The Glint's Terminal Terminus
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"The Glint"
Date: 2010/08/23 10:44 By: otto Status: Admin
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[Otto arrives in the shotgun seat of a '09 Jag XJ-6. He hauls his big self out, rocking the car on its way-overtaxed shocks. He walks around to the trunk, pops it, and begins shuffling through mounds of paper.]
Okay... no. Okay... no. Okay... no, wait a second. No. Here it is.
Okay. Being like new here, hello to youse. Meetcha. Now, allow me to digress upon the subject of a certain cap that has fallen into my possession which would be The Glint.
[Holds up sheaf of paper.]
First off, I like stories with character-shifting POVs. I'd keep the structure. Second off, this cap is way too florid. And too many metaphors don't work at all. Seems to me some of the lines here are clever just for the sake of being clever. So I'm going to have to throw this cap in the trunk, drive it out to the meadowlands late tonight, and do what I got to do. Know what I'm saying?
The topic has been locked.
Re:"The Glint"
Date: 2010/08/23 22:16 By: Lalo Status: Admin
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Posts: 91
Not widdout one udda two of us agreein' witcha... right, Magz?
So, um... You need a hand widdat, Otto?
Sorry -- got carried away there. But seriously, folks: the good fellow is correct. Too florid by half, and I had to keep scrolling back to remind myself who was who. Too many J's: Jimmy, Jasmine, Jenine/Janine -- for some reason, the author can't call the daughter character by the same name throughout the piece.
The other trouble I have with this cap is: what or who is it about? Boy meets girl, boy boinks girl, boy marries girl, they have a baby girl... Boy meets other girls, boinks them too, divorces the first one... then Daughter whatever-her-name-is-this-paragraph turns 16 and boy gets ex-wife's sister.
And?
Nobody changes, nobody grows (the daughter gets older, but she's filler), nobody learns. Time passes, partners shuffle, The End.
Toss me the keys, Otto, and I'll open the trunk for you.
"The Glint"
Date: 2010/08/23 10:44 By: otto Status: Admin
Karma: 0
Admin
Posts: 10
[Otto arrives in the shotgun seat of a '09 Jag XJ-6. He hauls his big self out, rocking the car on its way-overtaxed shocks. He walks around to the trunk, pops it, and begins shuffling through mounds of paper.]
Okay... no. Okay... no. Okay... no, wait a second. No. Here it is.
Okay. Being like new here, hello to youse. Meetcha. Now, allow me to digress upon the subject of a certain cap that has fallen into my possession which would be The Glint.
[Holds up sheaf of paper.]
First off, I like stories with character-shifting POVs. I'd keep the structure. Second off, this cap is way too florid. And too many metaphors don't work at all. Seems to me some of the lines here are clever just for the sake of being clever. So I'm going to have to throw this cap in the trunk, drive it out to the meadowlands late tonight, and do what I got to do. Know what I'm saying?
The topic has been locked.
Re:"The Glint"
Date: 2010/08/23 22:16 By: Lalo Status: Admin
Karma: 0
Admin
Posts: 91
Not widdout one udda two of us agreein' witcha... right, Magz?
So, um... You need a hand widdat, Otto?
Sorry -- got carried away there. But seriously, folks: the good fellow is correct. Too florid by half, and I had to keep scrolling back to remind myself who was who. Too many J's: Jimmy, Jasmine, Jenine/Janine -- for some reason, the author can't call the daughter character by the same name throughout the piece.
The other trouble I have with this cap is: what or who is it about? Boy meets girl, boy boinks girl, boy marries girl, they have a baby girl... Boy meets other girls, boinks them too, divorces the first one... then Daughter whatever-her-name-is-this-paragraph turns 16 and boy gets ex-wife's sister.
And?
Nobody changes, nobody grows (the daughter gets older, but she's filler), nobody learns. Time passes, partners shuffle, The End.
Toss me the keys, Otto, and I'll open the trunk for you.
posted by Theodore Q. Rorschalk at
11:50 AM
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