Spring Issue (#2) Terminal Discussions/Results
1. The Attempted Rescue of Mr. Enigma
2. The Lecturer
3. Miss Daniella
4. MASS Attack
5. Staying Small
6. Between the Night People and the Day People by J.R. Colvin
7. The Travelling Scapegoat
8. Snowflies and Savages
9. DFdTech
10. Home by Nelson Stanley
11. Golas is Dead
12. Elders and ...
13. The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage by Peter Hagelslag
14. Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the Scrapbook of Infinite Possibilities
15. In the Black
16. Quick Vahjaii: The Last Interview
17. Dark Abyss by Ann Leckie
18. Between Iraq and a Hot Plac
19. A Tale for the Hanged Man
20. Sunrise in Coat City by Steven J Dines
bolded titles denote ventures that have been sent to the executive suite.
###
MR ENIGMA
THE LECTURER
Date: 2006/02/16 22:46 By: guevara Status: Admin
The Lecturer Aye yi yi. The weak of heart need not apply. The VC has crafted a tale of the utmost depravity borne in the soul of a monstrous man indelibly marked by his exploits as an Army Ranger in Vietnam. The writing is amicable enough, relentlessly marching toward its climax of misogynistic horror. The shock value herein is like a knockout punch seen by the unfortunate person about to be hit: slow motion destruction one is unable to avoid thought they can see it coming from what seems like a mile away. The venture itself is, as I have alluded, crafted quite competently, framing the action within a snapshot that gives the reader context for this Jacobean style nightmare grudge revenge vendetta that has subtext off the page both in the past and in the future. The larger question concerning The Lecturer is does it fall into the genre of literature or simply tales of true-crime and unspeakable torture? The torturous act that lies at the climax of this tale is, for the most part, kept off the page, though the objects of the torture are listed and their functions elaborated upon, but the twisted act is not shown, leaving the girl and her terrible fate to be created mostly within the investor’s imagination. Which would lean toward literature, albeit literature that would make the Marquis de Sade blush, but literature nonetheless. A practical concern for the magazine must be the backlash that publishing something so on-the-surface-of-it hateful and hurtful toward women would obviously bring. I cannot say that reading The Lecturer was an enjoyable in a self-affirming way, but can say that it was something I found hard to NOT read once the inevitable, unbelievably depraved conclusion was part way in sight.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/19 18:44 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
Lecturer Date: 2006/02/19 18:42 By: gaybrat Status: Admin IP: 72.155.172.62 Karma: 1 Admin Posts: 23 graphgraph The 'brat read this twisted little piece of capital last night. It is demented, dark, politically incorrect. To sum it up, the 'brat loved it. Yes, the subject matter is taboo, but I call it bold and daring. Yes, the main character is atrocious, but do all main characters have to be loveable? I think capital should also explore the darker parts of humanity as well as the light. Does that mean the VC who writes the capital is wicked, or those of us who enjoy the capital? No, it just means there is something darkly fascinating about the underbelly of human existence. And my main reason for praising this capital is the language. Here is a VC who owns the English language and knows how to use it to the best of his ability. In short, the 'brat loves it!
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/20 03:54 By: H3K Status: Admin
The Machine, on the other hand, gives a resounding "No." I was unable to finish reading it, once it turned from eroticism into blatant misogynist pornography. No -- I will be honest. I refused to finish reading it.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/20 04:11 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
Not for the faint of heart, I suppose. The 'brat endulges in a feeling of--perhaps misplaced--superiority that he can handle the darkness while others turn away. Oh well, each to his own, I love the story for its refusal to turn away from grisly subject matter and its mastery of language.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/20 22:39 By: guevara Status: Admin
I am proclaiming myself Switzerland in this fight. And so, another opinion will be needed to break the tie.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/21 01:35 By: lafloor Status: Admin
I'm open. Pass the puck. Lafloor likes it rough.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/21 15:33 By: tqr Status: Admin
I hit you right on the tape, and you're breaking in all alone on the goalie.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/21 18:40 By: lafloor Status: Admin
Le sigh.
This was a sad instance where, for me, the hype didn't live up. Certainly, this isn't a warm-fuzzies kind of story, but nor was I able to find it all that depraved, nor misogynistic. Perhaps because, for me, the building "eroticism" wasn't particularly, ahem, enticing. So without that build up, when the tables got turned, it also didn't play as gratuitous or sadistic either. I mean that as a compliment to the writer. The story didn't devolve into "shock-porn" for me because it never was porn, dig? The story itself is a nasty tale of revenge. Competently plotted with motivation and such. However, I found myself reading it, waiting to be shocked. And when that didn't happen, I felt let down. This disappointment, I fear, comes because the characters didn't ever make the transition from plot points to characters. We were given a couple of spare details of Elly, but other than her strange attraction to this guy, and her strong muscle, I never felt her as anything more than cardboard. This could be part of what could offend some people -- that she is dealt with as simply an object. And it's something I could get behind as a literary device, as this story comes from her tormentor's point of view. (it would make sense that he would see her as little more than an object. however, it would also add ample tension if the reader were given subtle ways to "connect" with her as other than such while he mentally negates that. or even more tension if he struggled against seeing her "character" so that he'd be able to fulfill his oath.) However, even more of a letdown is that The Lecturer himself never comes alive to sizzle or sparkle enough. I don't need my bad guys to all be dashing such as Hanibal Lecter, but then give me perhaps a whiff a humanity as conflict, or even a trace of personality to draw me in. I thought the plot of the story was there. However, there were some very distracting contradictions that moved beyond sloppy: Such as the narrator saying he "wasted" someone and in following sentences saying he didn't waste them, he murdered them. Then at the climax, timing differences in the punishment times that just simply confused me, because conflicting info was given. While I think the structure and idea is solid, I think it just doesn't go far enough, perhaps largely due to lack of characterization, which is perhaps what makes it offensive on the surface for some. It's like the difference between the movies "Sin City" and "8 MM". Both got blasted for gratuitous violence and their treatment of women. "Sin City", however, went ALL THE WAY (and did it SO RIGHT) and did it so extreme that those who were offended, I could understand why. But it also did enough to rise above so that others saw it as brilliant art. In contrast, the movie 8 MM was so half-assed that the *idea* was simply offensive, along with the poor execution. I had trouble understanding why anyone was offended over such ludicrous schlock, and no one sees it as art, just as a bad movie. Punch this story up and make these characters live and breathe more, and perhaps then it'll be truly shocking, and can transcend the offensive nature -- for some, while others can be truly grossed out.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear [VC],
I regret to inform you The Lecturer has been dropped from consideration for publication at TQR. It was a split decision between capital managers as to whether it should go on to the next level of vetting, then LaFloor came in and broke the tie. Rather than recapitulate his analysis, I'm simply going to paste it in here because he really did a nice job of getting into the piece.
Le sigh.
This was a sad instance where, for me, the hype didn't live up.
Certainly, this isn't a warm-fuzzies kind of story, but nor was I able to find it all that depraved, nor misogynistic. Perhaps because, for me, the building "eroticism" wasn't particularly, ahem, enticing. So without that build up, when the tables got turned, it also didn't play as gratuitous or sadistic either. I mean that as a compliment to the writer. The story didn't devolve into "shock-porn" for me because it never was porn, dig?
The story itself is a nasty tale of revenge. Competently plotted with motivation and such. However, I found myself reading it, waiting to be shocked. And when that didn't happen, I felt let down. This disappointment, I fear, comes because the characters didn't ever make the transition from plot points to characters. We were given a couple of spare details of Elly, but other than her strange attraction to this guy, and her strong muscle, I never felt her as anything more than cardboard. This could be part of what could offend some people -- that she is dealt with as simply an object. And it's something I could get behind as a literary device, as this story comes from her tormentor's point of view. (it would make sense that he would see her as little more than an object. however, it would also add ample tension if the reader were given subtle ways to "connect" with her as other than such while he mentally negates that. or even more tension if he struggled against seeing her "character" so that he'd be able to fulfill his oath.) However, even more of a letdown is that The Lecturer himself never comes alive to sizzle or sparkle enough. I don't need my bad guys to all be dashing such as Hanibal Lecter, but then give me perhaps a whiff a humanity as conflict, or even a trace of personality to draw me in.
I thought the plot of the story was there. However, there were some very distracting contradictions that moved beyond sloppy: Such as the narrator saying he "wasted" someone and in following sentences saying he didn't waste them, he murdered them. Then at the climax, timing differences in the punishment times that just simply confused me, because conflicting info was given.
While I think the structure and idea is solid, I think it just doesn't go far enough, perhaps largely due to lack of characterization, which is perhaps what makes it offensive on the surface for some. It's like the difference between the movies "Sin City" and "8 MM". Both got blasted for gratuitous violence and their treatment of women. "Sin City", however, went ALL THE WAY (and did it SO RIGHT) and did it so extreme that those who were offended, I could understand why. But it also did enough to rise above so that others saw it as brilliant art. In contrast, the movie 8 MM was so half-assed that the *idea* was simply offensive, along with the poor execution. I had trouble understanding why anyone was offended over such ludicrous schlock, and no one sees it as art, just as a bad movie.
Punch this story up and make these characters live and breathe more, and perhaps then it'll be truly shocking, and can transcend the offensive nature -- for some, while others can be truly grossed out.
Thank you for submitting to TQR, and we hope to see something from you in the quarters that follow.
Best, TQR
###
MISS DANIELLA
Guevara
Oh Deus ex machina! I have accidentally deleted Gaybrat's fine initial posting for this capital venture! I have contacted him with my regrets in this matter. Rest assured, I am no gay-bashing machismo-charged Latin thug. It was an honest click of the mouse that toppled this house of cards. It is my hope that the 'brat will understand and re-post his fine initial posting (didn't I just say that?). But here is my reply to that now-phanton post, in the hopes of seeing it once more! Memo to Brat: Alert me to your new posting of that old thread so that I may delete this post to allow your post its rightful pole position, and then I will paste my reply again properly in its wake. ### What I want to know is what did the unthinking Boryana do with the bit of ear flesh that she had roasted? It could not be worse than snake meat, I am sure! The thing I agree with the Brat about most is his assertion that this piece creates its own unique environment that simply becomes itself as you are reading, naturally, without any hint of info-dump or clumsy artifice. The setting has a very old-Iron Curtain feel to it. For you uneducated youngsters out there (and I know that you are legion) the Iron Curtain was what the Soviet Bloc of totalitarian states was nicknamed before the fall of the Pinkos and the Berlin Wall, signalling a new era and creating a vacuum for the new Bad Guy to fill. But I digress. The setting evoked by this piece is concretely subtle and sunk into the marrow of everything that is of it. It is the ox that pulls the cart. There is a fable-like quality about the whole enterprise here: Miss Daniella has 7 farmhands among four hills and one Magdalenesque hooker who keeps all of them fat and happy. There are Biblical undertones within the numbers and the language which I cannot quite put my finger on, but are nonetheless intriguing. There are sentences in here that are simply a delight to behold because of their idiosyncratic poetry: Boryana looked so pretty, although she carried an axe tied to her buttocks and she could slice the guy’s ear if he by chance he muttered under his breath she was a slut. This is not a VC floundering around to find her 'voice.' Mira! She has found it. However, I was disappointed by the climax, the thrust of it all. The bang for my buck, quotient wasn't quite there for this ancient Swashbuckler. I was never a fan of Chekov, either, who many revere as the ultimate short story bad ass. So... perhaps I am missing the point because it is too much hidden in plain sight for this old reader to see.Post edited by: guevara, at: 2006/02/16 07:33
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/17 15:44 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
I'm a little busy to recreate my original post, so I'll just respond to the response. Rereading this capital, I am so amazed by the VC's ability to create an environment that seems authentic and believable, even while being so completely different from that I am used to. And for me the ending did not disappoint. There was a loneliness and sadness to the ending that I found poignant and moving. I think this capital deserves a shot.
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/17 18:50 By: tqr Status: Admin
Looks like we've got our first need for a tie-breaking opinion ... H3K, mags? Give us a groove.
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/17 19:04 By: guevara Status: Admin
Si,si! A tie breaker ... or perhaps a kamikaze dash to the chessboard! I am spoiling for a fight!
Re: Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/20 03:20 By: H3K Status: Admin
Enthusiasts for this piece will not be pleased at how I intend to break this tie... It does have a marvelous voice. I am reminded simultaneously of Ray Bradbury's "The Wonderful Ice-Cream Suit", any number of translations of the South American fabulists, such as Borges, and even a little of Yiddish literature of a hundred years ago or so (some of Sholom Aleichem's stories that are *not* about Tevye, for instance). I agree that this story cries for a larger audience. However, it needs serious editing to resolve minor points of grammar, and major instances of redundancy. Such a task would entail working with the VC to polish the piece before I'd recommend sending it up. As willing as I am to engage in that sort of work, and as much as this offering deserves it, I no longer have the time. I sincerely hope someone does.Post edited by: H3K, at: 2006/02/20 03:22
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/20 04:09 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
The 'brat does not have ample time, but I would be willing to work with the author if need be. I feel the piece deserves it.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear Ms [VC],
I regret to inform you Miss Daniella has been rejected for publication in TQR's Spring Issue. The capital managers who commented upon it inside the Terminal were all impressed by its setting's ability to evoke a sense of foreignness and, yet, familiarity.
A few, however, mentioned redundancies and grammatical errors that would have to be fixed in order that it could be passed up to the Executive Suite. Guevara said the ending was too Chekhovian for his tastes, meaning too subtle and not with any discernable climactic bang. Not that all ventures need such pyrotechnics, to be sure. But this climactic over-understatement combined with the comments made by Gaybrat and H3K about the redundancy problems have led me to conclude your venture didn't quite have what is needed to make it to the next level.
Judging from the positive comments and your impressive publishing record, you definitely have what it takes to get to that next level, though. Chalk this rejection up to the fact that you can't hit a homerun each time you step up to the plate, as they say. And I hope this rejection does not discourage you from submitting another piece for our consideration. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Sincerely, Ted Rorschalk
###
MASS Attack
Date: 2006/02/18 21:03 By: lafloor Status: Admin
What I like about this piece is that it throws me into the alternaverse without too much prefacing or explanation. Things unfold and become understandable as a very organic part of the story, interwoven with the action without stops for exposition. Plus, the characters unfold in the same way. No long expository backgrounds for development, their actions define them. As such, there are some very satisfactory arcs for both Skeen and Buddha which gives this a layer beyond the heavy action. This definitely owes its roots to some "buddy stories" which I don't see much of these days offscreen. I like how the distinct personalities of Skeen, Buddha and MD are forced into a situation where they have to act as their own "unit" beyond their usual duties, and the way they're able to push each other beyond what we'd have expected from them. This is completely self-contained as a short story, and yet I can't help picturing it as part of a larger whole for some reason. Almost as though this could be one pivotal piece of a novel in progress. And though the action is well rendered and the characters satisfying, it felt a bit "deja vu" to me, perhaps because the buddy scenario is a well-worn genre. I'm not quite sure that it had enough pop and freshness to really set it off in that capacity.
Re:MASS Attack
Date: 2006/02/20 22:35 By: guevara Status: Admin
The VC has a future in Sci-Fi, to be sure. MASS Attack is not it, however. To me the characters did not seem 3 dimensional. Granted, a genre work is more about plot, but still, to be viable for publication, the capital has got to have a wizbang plot and believable characters. Buddha was too supine, even for a military janitor. Skeen was too much the stereotypical tough, loner-misfit. MD's recurring speech patterns became dsitracting instead of endearing. And, too, this does seem incomplete, as if a piece torn from a larger puzzle. And so the satisfied feeling a good capital venture leaves you with is suspended here, indefinitely. Another thing I noticed was a preponderance of similes, both 'as if' and 'like' in form. It, like MD's redundant speech pattern, became distracting. I found myself anticipating the next 'as if' and/or 'like' like a major league hitter sitting on a fast ball. I hope the VC takes this terse critique not as an indictment of his writing, but as an encouragement to keep plugging because the potential is there and all it needs is indomitable will in the face of rejection to sharpen and hone it to a keen edge. The crucible all writers need survive in order to become.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear Mr. [VC],
I regret to inform you MASS Attack has been turned down for further vetting at TQR. This should not be discouraging since less than 30 percent of the ventures make it from the Floor to the Terminal, as yours did. Making it to the Terminal means all the rudiments of craft were in place (or nearly in place) and that, with further writing, your ventures will encompass the elements that the capital managers in the Terminal found lacking. Thank you for your venture, and we look forward to working with you again.
Best, TQR
###
STAYING SMALL
Date: 2006/02/18 21:13
By: La Floor
Very interesting piece, definitely. As a fan of the departed "Carnivale" on HBO, this piece brought forth some of the macabre humanity of that show, the struggling life of the dying traveling circus. Young Coby is one of the circus folk, a dwarf who dreams of being a clown when he grows up. Therefore, he looks to current head clown Jingo to try and capture some of his secrets. But his world gets shaken when he spies on Jingo one night and finds out much more than he bargained for, and instead of answering questions, it only intensifies his curiosity and longing. This is a coming-of-age story, though done with a very different twist and flavor. I, much like Coby, was hooked at the seemingly magical goings on with Jingo and his mom. And I think Coby is portrayed perfectly here -- curious and yet cautious. He's on the cusp of *something* here, so that mixture of anticipation and aggravation works very well. Also, I think the flavor of the circus was captured very well in a plethora of telling details. The climax makes perfect sense in a figurative and symbolic way, however, I couldn't help feeling it went a bit over-the-top. Although supernatural things were certainly at work throughout, it got both a bit monstrous and was a bit unresolved in a more literal sense, if you know what I mean. -->
Re:Staying Small
Date: 2006/02/20 21:31
By: guevara
I am afraid this sentence made me think of a particularly nasty sex act(or perhaps my mind is too much in the gutter?): Peering in, he was just in time to see Jingo standing over his mother, her pale face gazing up at him from the waterfall of golden ripples. Later, when the same transformative sequence is portrayed, it is clear there is no Golden Showering going on ... but that is one heck of a misunderstanding while it lasted! Like LaFloor, I enjoyed the evocation of those Carnies and Circus folk to whom the world around them is inhabited by rubes and marks. I particularly enjoyed the Captain whose indirect presence hovered like the Law of Moses on the periphery of the proceedings. But, alas, the monstrous ending only confused me. I did not 'get it' as they say, and so it simply left me flat. Then the fairy tale denuoument didn't really resonate with me either, although writing this I realize that the point of the piece is tied in with magic and fairy-tale-like goings on, and so it stands to reason the ultimate paragraph would have a fairy tale feel to it. So... but, I must say, it still did not transport me to that happy land of fictive dream. It appears we need a third opinion here to break the tie. -->
Re:Staying Small
Date: 2006/02/22 01:09
By: H3K Status: Admin
Five parts coming of age, suitably written for the Young Adult market niche (also a library classification)... and one part H.P. Lovecraft. Or, to characterize it more simplistically, a "Goosebumps (TM)" story which isn't long enough to fill one of their slim, garishly-covered paperbacks. My problem is... I liked it! Right on up through the second transformation scene, as a matter of fact. Only after that was I disappointed: First, by a lack of any explanation, even a supernatural one, for the climactic event (as in, "Who were they, really?"); second, by the final paragraph, which lurches inappropraitely back to the "YA" mode, and dumps a moral in our collective laps, no less! Coby is a great character, and (though my exposure to carny is just as vicarious as anyone else's here) the atmosphere feels authentic. My suggestion to the VC is: take out the supernatural, find another way for Coby to learn his life lesson without hitting us over the head with it, and send it to the YA markets. You'll sell it, I'm sure.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Staying Small got close, but, ultimately, did not touch the Monkey. The capital managers that commented upon it praised the evocation of the Carnival/Circus denizens and their surroundings.
Where the problem came was at the ending, when the boy's mother turns into a monster and eats the head clown. Guevara commented to the effect that it left him scratching his head.
H3K commented last and perhaps most helpfully, suggesting an alternative market for this piece:
Five parts coming of age, suitably written for the Young Adult market niche (also a library classification)... and one part H.P. Lovecraft. Or, to characterize it more simplistically, a "Goosebumps (TM)" story which isn't long enough to fill one of their slim, garishly-covered paperbacks. My problem is... I liked it! Right on up through the second transformation scene, as a matter of fact. Only after that was I disappointed: First, by a lack of any explanation, even a supernatural one, for the climactic event (as in, "Who were they, really?"); second, by the final paragraph, which lurches inappropraitely back to the "YA" mode, and dumps a moral in our collective laps, no less! Coby is a great character, and (though my exposure to carny is just as vicarious as anyone else's here) the atmosphere feels authentic. My suggestion to the VC is: take out the supernatural, find another way for Coby to learn his life lesson without hitting us over the head with it, and send it to the YA markets. You'll sell it, I'm sure.
So. Best of luck with it and please submit another piece in the quarters that will follow.
Sincerely, TQR
###
BETWEEN THE NIGHT AND THE DAY PEOPLE
LaFloor
Mon dieu! What an offering we have here. Character, pacing, language, this has it all. It's intriguing and a bit off-center without ever slipping beyond the tickling of the fringes of strange and devolving into unneccessary weirdness. Portus is a man who understands these fringes and sees and understands beyond them, giving him a keen insight and yet also relegating him to be fairly looked over by society at large. I love how this story takes a "person" that we're all familiar with but whom most of us never bother to ascribe a story or life to. They're just sort of *there*, and yet this story does so much more than bring him to life. It opens up an entire new twilightish world into other things most of us never see beyond our periphery, and yet they're clear as crystal to Portus. There are a few very minor typos that could be cleaned up in here, but on the whole I'm deeply impressed by this story and find it still popping into my thoughts days after reading it. -->
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/20 13:34
By: mags
Don't delete this capital yet, Oh Grand Poobah! I'm still waiting for it, and the title alone has me intrigued...Post edited by: mags, at: 2006/02/20 13:35
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/21 19:08
By: tqr
I am a businessman. The capital should be in your in-box by yesterday.
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/22 14:45
By: H3K
Status: Admin
This one bears a special resonance for me (besides the humming in Kokomo, that is)... It has been my fate in times past to work graveyard shifts, and to be one of the first of the day people to stop in a store such as this, on my way home as the sun was rising. Portus is a wonderful character, and this venture is a winner. Send it up!
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/22 15:10
By: tqr
The Machine has spoken. So let it be done.
###
THE TRAVELLING SCAPEGOAT
Date: 2006/02/21 18:23
By: lafloor
This story is weird. I like it! It starts off in a way to remind me of an old-fashioned fairy tale, or even morality play, but it changes from that into...something different. My one hesitance is that the ending seems a bit too drawn out. In fact, there's plenty of bright (and gritty) detail throughout, but at times it seemed like maybe just a touch too much, where it was slowing the pace unneccessarily. Perhaps some pruning all through, and especially at the end, where I think we're caught just a bit too long inside the decision-making process. But overall, The Scapegoat had my attention and the unexpected twists with the boy were -- unexpected.
Re:The Travelling Scapegoat
Date: 2006/02/22 01:50
By: H3K
Whereas I anticipated the very ending that was delivered... not in detail, mind you, but enough to not be surprised. Perhaps it was the continual use of the word "kid", with its secondary meaning. (Though I suspect kid for "young person" is derived from kid for "young goat".) All in all, I enjoyed reading this. It is, you say, a fable, and is told in the right sort of language for such. It could do with a bit of cutting, but not to a large extent. If the Executive Suite is up for such a task, I recommend sending this to them.
###
SNOWFLIES AND SAVAGES
"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/25 03:37
By: H3K
Submitted for our approval... a Twilight-Zonish tale of an isolated mountain town in Colorado, full of half-realized, self-centered characters who, when confronted with what should be a staggering emotional crisis, come to pieces in unexpected ways. It is unfortunate that we do not see any of them before the crisis. Then we might be able to better assess their self-deconstruction, as it were. It is also unfortunate that the VC's virtual camera pulls away from the resolution of the crisis too soon to witness the restoration of the characters' "normal" selves (assuming thay have any) from the depths of their divers regressions. In short, not one of them has enough solidity to carry this odd jaunt through the Twilight Zone to a satisfying conclusion. We may well shake our heads at their shallowness, but we may also wonder if, in his effort to make that shallowness his point, the VC may have neglected to make any of them more than charicatures.
Re:"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/27 18:52
By: mags
Posts: 14
I'm with you Hal. The premise is a good one, particularly when our witness of a possible tragedy may be distorted through the lens of a voyeuristic vidcam. What we get in this capital is a kind of Lord of the Flies with the adults taking the place of the marooned boys. We get the same polarization of "good" vs "evil", the same religious fervour... we even get a sacrificed pig! BUT... this piece is too long for my taste and, paradoxically, it ends far too suddenly. We never get to see what was on that film or how it was edited. We never find out what happened to the kids or how they survived. We never get to witness the individual parental/child relationships that, presumably, form the bases of the post-tragedy responses. I'm not saying that all capital needs to wind up with all the loose ends resolved (how boring would that be?!), but in this case the denouement, or lack of it, was not enough for me.
Re:"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/27 23:14
By: guevara
I found myself longing for a central character to focus upon, or a central theme or plot point, even. And I could not. As with all Terminaled caps, the writing is competent enough, true, but the venture as a whole is more of an outline or a treatment for some more intensive work. Its narrative drift left me wandering and disengaged. I had to re-read the scene where they discover Stan's hanged body a few times before I caught its drift, and even then I didn't feel for the hanged man one centavo, or really know why I should. Although, the scene where his dead wife talks to him did give me a twinge of sadness and wonder. It is too bad the one character I may have come to know best is killed off so early.
Re:"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/28 03:55
By: H3K
Posts: 57
Good call on Lord of the Flies, Mags... I missed the sacrificed pig.
###
DFdT
Date: 2006/02/17 22:36
By: guevara
Status: Admin
English translation: The Joy of Technology, which naturally leads one to think of that other famous title of a longstanding bestseller The Joy of Sex, which is quite obviously the VCs intention in order to make some link twixt how technology is/will soon make the need for male/female intimacy, and actually discourage it by giving the populace an unrealistic expectation of how their partner should look, act and feel. (Which the advertising campaigns of beer and car manufacturers and everything in between already does). Like The Lecturer, this piece uses graphic sex/sexual situations, to try and illustrate some greater underlying truth; unlike The Lecturer the sex is not the sadistic revenge kind, but rather a very scripted and aloof kind that owes its friction to a kind of wank box that molds itself to the man's penis and transmits the various stimulations performed upon it by the human doll scantily clad on the stage before them. The question for me is: Is this cautionary tale not guilty of glorifying the deadening effects of technology upon our libidoes that it is purportedly warning us against? A narrative pot calling the kettle black, so to speak. What with its pages of graphic and plasticine sex acts, it became an exercise in joylessness -- sexual, technological or otherwise.Post edited by: guevara, at: 2006/02/17 22:39 -->
Date: 2006/02/18 21:29
By: mags
Status: Admin
IP: 24.235.143.241
Karma: 3
Admin
Posts: 14
My, my, my, my, MY! Isn't this a hot little piece of capital? I had to loosen a button or two before I finally came to the climax. GOD, it's so hard to avoid puns. Damn, I did it again! OK, down to nitty gritty stuff... The idea of leaving the familiar to places more foreign and strange plays a big role in this piece of capital, but I had difficulty assertaining the characters' nationalities. For example, the contractions used to imply accents('er and 'ave) were not supported by more realistic use of the vernacular. I liked Dennis and his parents and thought they were effectively drawn. The relationships there felt real and warm and necessarily complex. I felt that some of the descriptive passages, particularly related to the travel scenes, could have been trimmed back a wee bit. The sex show was marvelously drawn, very aloof, tense and sexy/cold at the same time. I thought the technology to be believable and I was intrigued by the idea of technology enabling intimacy through distance. What a sad paradox! What I didn't buy, though, was Dennis' radical and immediate change from good kid to sexual predator. Could one sex show, albeit a life-altering one, really change him so dramatically? Perhaps the VC should either lay down some clues about his dual nature at the beginning, or make him a little less cruel at the end. Verdict: a unique, sexy and nicely tempoed piece of capital that, with a bit of tweaking and pruning, could be quite good. MagzPost edited by: mags, at: 2006/02/18 21:33 -->
Date: 2006/02/22 00:36
By: H3K
Status: Admin
IP: 71.96.107.31
Karma: 4 Posts: 57
I know whereof you speak, Mags... but all the verbiage was a warmup to the denouement between Dennis and the red-haired Helen. Quite simply, the premise is that feminists are correct: pornography spoils men's desire for real women -- and the final paragraph intimates further insidious manipulation of the male psyche along the same line. That being said... this venture is much longer than it needs to be. Out of 12,000 words, I believe the story could be told equally well using only 8000 to 9000. I discovered myself scrolling through entire pages, and yet I didn't miss the point at the end (so to speak). I also concur regarding the attempts at "accent", which could be dropped entirely. Notes to VC: (1) Words and phrases in a foreign language should be italicized; (2) German uses commas in much the same way English does, thus: Vielen Dank, Inga. In its favor -- I enjoyed how this venture harkened back 80 years to the Berlin of Cabaret. Also, much of the football madness... which, I find, nearly identical to the frenzy surrounding what Americans mistakenly call "football". -->
Date: 2006/02/23 16:24
By: architext
Status: Admin
Speaking as an authority on everything: not all feminists are anti-porn. -->
Date: 2006/02/23 17:07
By: tqr
Status: Admin
IP: 216.85.20.2
Karma: -1999996
Admin
Posts: 347
The Holy Trinity of Feminism: Bella Abzug, Gloria Steinam and Seka
TQR's REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr VC,
I regret to inform you DFdT did not make it to the next level of vetting at TQR. Two of the Terminal cap managers thought it could use some cutting and still tell the same tale. The bigger issue was the transformation of the protagonist from shy adolsecent to crass chauvinist pig because of his experiencing that one prap show. The prap show was exceedingly well drawn and at once tittilated and numbed the participant/reader. But it, in most of our opinions, did not justify the total conversion of the protagonist at the end. I hope this explanation of our rejection of DFdT does not turn you off to the extent that you will no longer submit your work to TQR. Seeing as how it made it to the second round of vetting, there is no reason to think that you can not make it further in the quarters to come.
Sincerely, TQR
###
HOME
Date: 2006/02/25 02:29 By: H3K
As last quarter seemed to be our time for SF, so this quarter appears to be our time for fables and fabulists. This offering bears within it more than a mere nod to Poe (watch for a bust of Pallas). It also tends to wander, rather in keeping with the memories of the old man who narrates it (in first person). It is, in fact, not so much a story as a lovingly-crafted character sketch.
However, I would not dare to suggest elision or change... such might spoil the effect. Doomey was uncharacteristically enthusiastic about sending this particular venture proposal up to me... and I can see why. Its language and tone -- its voice -- is nothing short of lyrical, in a gloomy way. If it were to be illustrated, I'd suggest Edward Gorey.
Doomey offered a piece of advice, which I echo: read it at least twice before commenting. As for me, I say it should rise.
Re:"Home"
Date: 2006/02/27 18:00 By: gaybrat
I feel in love with this VC's mastery of language. The word H3K used, "lyrical," is one hundred percent correct. The tone and language is very old school, which I feel fits this capital perfectly. It left me with a feeling of sadness, which means that the piece actually moved me, which is what all capital should aim to do. I am very enthusiastic about this piece.
Re:"Home"
Date: 2006/02/27 19:13 By: mags
Send it up, Sirs!!! This was a beautifully crafted piece of capital. I know that the purists out there will say that not much happens, plot-wise, but what ever really happens in a typical Alice Munro story? Its value lies in the VC's perfect rendering of moments and the artfulness with which he links those moments together.
I loved, loved LOVED the main character and his fanciful interludes. I loved the gorgeous prose (shades of Poe indeed!), I loved the shifts between yesterday, today, and tomorrow, between reality and fantasy.
Send it up, I say.
Mags
Re:"Home"
Date: 2006/02/27 20:11 By: tqr
Looks like we've got a live one here!
I am going to put a Send It the &$#@ UP tag on this discussion, but will keep this particular thread live so that the author may admire the reflected splendor of his own device. Or something thereabouts.
SEND IT THE &$#@ UP
###
GOLAS IS DEAD
Golas is Dead
Date: 2006/02/28 07:02 By: architext
One thing I’ve noticed about TQR is that the submissions are unpredictable. I used to read at a literary magazine where every story fell into the “literary” genre, always about Real People doing Real Things, and they were all Really Dull. So as I embark on my second review at TQR I’m pleased to say that I can continue reading without becoming immediately jaded by the fear that each new work will be fundamentally identical.
Golas is Dead is very specifically tied to the crime/thriller/mafia genre. Let me say up front I appreciate genre mostly when it deviates from established convention. The reason I start with these preludes, is that in this particular piece, something very unusual happens right off the bat. In the opening page we discover that the enemies, a quasi-religious quasi-mafia organization are named the Gandalfinis.
I, the Architext, grew up on the underside of a barnacle on a transport vessel which frequented mostly the murky waters south of Marseilles. But I can’t claim I don’t know that there is a show called the Sopranos, in which the lead is played by James Gandolfini (with an “o”). Nor could I claim ignorance of wise Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. It struck me as very audacious– unless the author lives under an even smaller barnacle than the one I grew up under– to use this particular name (or combination of names) for the mafia/cult organization. What I expected was a genre-transgressing work involving meta-televisual shenanigans: characters popping out of televisions and legions of slavish followers dressing up like Silvo Dante – that sort of thing. I would have nominated this story for a Nobel Prize if the evil cult had been the E Street Band.
Alas, Golas is Dead failed to dance the postmodern rhumba, and without that potential avenue of weirdness, the story didn’t have a lot of surprises. The heroine alternates between self-confidence and fright even though everything pretty much goes exactly according to plan. Her plans are pretty inventive, providing the only real window upon her inner workings.
The story in a nutshell: boy (Golas) heroically risks life for girl because he works for “the agency.” He gets captured a few lines later by the Gandalfini leader, who has a remarkable patience for anagrams and has made just about every possible reorganization of the letters in GOLAS IS DEAD for the heroine’s answering machine. She goes to rescue Golas by hanging a rug with “Keep Golas Alive” on it from a highway overpass in New Jersey. She then rents two adjacent hotel rooms and captures a vaguely sympathetic hit-man, the story’s most interesting character, who takes her to the Gandalfini headquarters. The friendly hit man actively helps her dispense of one guard, and they get to the scene of the ritual execution. There the heroine inadvertently uses the friendly hit man as a human shield, but manages to kill three more guards, and then she and Golas blow away the leader of the organization. The end, and, as a final fuck you to the Gandalfinis: Golas isn't dead.
Well, it’s kind of far-fetched, but I think that’s actually it’s strength. Increasing the far-fetchedness of the whole thing to a more insane degree might further improve it. Another strength is that it has no burdensome backstory to explain what the hell is going on– such a story would only interfere with the action.
The grammatical details are good– no real language problems here. Some of the lines show a lot of character (i.e. “Golas blew a pathetic little bubble with his nicotine gum,” although I don’t know who’s making that judgment).
Some aspects rather annoyed me, frankly, nitpicky though they may be: e.g. the “affluent, Lloyd Wrightian slab of spotless white” (you’re thinking of Le Corbusier, not Frank Lloyd Wright – I care because I hate Le Corbusier and love Wright, and there’s a huge difference). I did like “narrow Chemlawn yard.”
It’s also gotta be evident to almost any reader that the anagram is going to spell “Golas is Dead” since that’s the title of the story. The three pages it takes the heroine to figure this out are trying to a reader’s patience.
The two weakest points, though, are the main characters– for whom it is difficult to care. I think we can forgive the plot’s unlikeliness, if we like the characters enough. But we’re given only superficial details about the protagonists, and their actions take the standard “action” route. They magically become superheroes who can march in and defeat organized mafia cultists. We don’t even know what Wen does for a living, but behaviorally, she doesn’t come across as Rambo or Einstein, so something here is amiss. As for my other advice (about making the story more insane, etc.) you can take it or leave it, but giving the characters a soul is important.
Plus one point for having the chutzpah to whack the human shield without remorse. But I think we’re a long way from the Monkey on this one.
Re:Golas is Dead
Date: 2006/03/04 06:58 By: guevara
Certainly, the decoding of the anagrams (especially since the title of the piece is no-brainer tip off) takes much too much space and time. A woman of Wen's apparent facility with a weapon has got to be quicker on the pickup, if just to alleviate the boredom of what the half-awake reader (again, thanks to the venture's title) must already know.
I am a soft touch for hard-boiled dialogue and turns of phrase, of which this piece has no shortage.
The spectacle stirred equal portions of fascination, horror, and pity in her psyche's decanter. She considered going back and shooting him between the eyes, but fear compelled her on and she was soon speeding away.
This kind of writing, I like.
However, I must acquiesce to the wisdom of the Architext, and how the piece needs more outlandish plot turns to do justice to the myriad pop culture connotations conjured by the name of the mafia cult in question here, the Gandalfinis.
Sure, there are subtle references to the Lord of the Rings -- the hit man Sam's references to 'the gaffer'; the other hit man Theo's dialogue "Hello Precious"; the GANDALFinis; etc -- and probably to the Sopranos as well although I am not a fan of that particular program, and so cannot pick out the references. But all the references in the world will not a monkey toucher make if they do not enrich the work they are a part of in some intrinsic manner rather than coming across as a kind of name dropping for its own sake.
Again, the potential is here for a fine capital venture, but the author has not let his wild horses run free, holding them in check with a tight rein and an untrusting whip hand.
To this, I must respectfully cry, "Undale!"
TQR's Rejection Notice
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Golas is Dead did not make it out of the Terminal. I have read your gmail response to the Architext's original post concerning your work, and so will not spend any time justifying what he said, except to reiterate the fact that the plot does not have too many surprises. Don't get me wrong, it is a very entertaining work, full of some very cagey, hardboiled dialogue. The comment by guevara about the LotR references seeming gratuitous and unimportant to the plot or tone is also one reason why Golas is Dead did not quite Touch the Monkey. Please do not take this rejection as a disavowal of your talent because I would very much like to see your byline gracing a venture or three in the quarters to come.
Sincerely, TQR
###
Capital discussions for this piece have been deleted due to outside concerns.
###
THE STORY MINER IN THE MONKEY CAGE
The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 17:13 By: architext
And so it has happened: a story has drifted from TQR's inbox, gliding through the air currents of the ventilation shaft into my undisclosed, subterranean lair. This is my first review here, although I am the real creator of all this mayhem. What is it about the Monkey Cage that makes it so... captivating? [PUN INTENDED! - The Architext is a silly man.]
This entry from The Netherlands merges modern-day advertising copy with the brief tale (not tail) of Charley the scrap-collector's journey into monkeyhood. There's a touch of Starship Troopers/Robocop parody in the advertising part (and those movies were also directed by a Dutch national, Paul Verhoeven-- coincidence? Or is it a movement?). But this isn't a Verhoeven-style parody, it's more a merger of Borgesian non-story speculation (e.g. the Library of Babel) and Chekhovian character-based storytelling (in the end we are suddenly privy to Charley's simian dreams). But this mixture is not a homogenous one: rather, the story alternates between one form and the other, along the lines, perhaps, of a Vonnegut tale (e.g. Breakfast of Champions) or the same author's stories-within-a-story by Kilgore Trout. Of course, that's all "literary" stuff, and we may be better served by looking back to 50s/60s sci-fi which was far more mind-altering than anything on the shelves today. But I'm no expert in that department, having limited my perusal to the Asimovs, Heinleins, and rare others-- so let's move on.
I bring up Borges' Library of Babel because it should be noted that there's a central premise about having an infinite quantity of text in both stories. The librarians in the Borges tale search for meaning and rarely find it, because the Library includes all possible texts (and for every meaningful texts there is a direct refutation of it's principles in another meaningful text, somewhere). That's very analogous to Charley's situation here *except* that in our cosmic monkeyworld it's already pretty much assumed that the monkeys will never write anything coherent, so the overlords/Charley intervene to produce their own meaning. SO, while Borges' story is really about the futility of all writing, this one is about who gets to control meaning. (Shades of an ape Orwell!)
Now that we've looked at the historical antecedents, and wasted everyone's time, let me say I generally appreciate a speculative-style story more than an emotionally oriented one, and this one does deliver on that personal need with only the barest slap of emotion in the end. This one is a case, though, where the cleverness of the premise is actually doing a disservice to the story's potential. The story opens with a discussion of the solar system which in retrospect seemed overblown and not entirely necessary, and could have been trimmed or cut. (It's actually a stronger opening even if you just cut the product slogans-- "we pay peanuts", etc. Trust the uniqueness of the premise more than the jokes.)
There is always a question of where to start in a story like this: action or exposition. The answer, in this day and age, like it or not, is with the action, not the description. In this case, we don't get to the story element until several pages into the text. I think a less jarring transition between the story's facets might make for a better read. The author needs to find a way to cram all that information about the ape-world into the tale instead of alternating between the two poles. Should be noted: the "oracular monks of the Monkey Cult" are described very efficiently, and when we are privy to their office debates, we know them right away. Can't this be true for the whole system? Yes, it means reducing the quantity of cleverness, but it also sharpens the blade on the cleverness that remains... In fact, the author should try a draft with NONE of the exposition, and see how coherent it is, then selectively add back information as necessary.
The most satirical element here: when it becomes clear to the masters that Charley's faking his material, they don't really bat an eyelash; although they punish him demonstrably, it's also obvious they have no real faith in the system they control, and are only using it to smoke cigars and eat beluga (or whatever). A society built on meaninglessness is not too far removed from a society built on advertising-- and the target in the sights here is a modern-day mixture of advertising, religion, and plutocracy.
So the revision question-- and I do think this story needs a little more time in the mixer-- is whether the satire is better served by a more direct integration of the now alternating "intellectual" and "action" elements. I believe it would be. As testament: there is no denying an emotional resonance in the final section, even though we know only a few meager details about Charley. The final section's pitiable sense of loss, helplessness, and imprisonment, is more powerful than all the cleverness in the intellectual bits put together. Without sacrificing the absurdity of the whole premise, I think this story could be forged into a gem.
A final potshot before I go: I think a few lines could also use some closer editing. There was something distinctively off about the voice, which I would have attributed to English-as-a-Second-Language if I hadn't been to the Netherlands, and taught English in America, both of which make clear that Dutch people speak English a hell of a lot better than anyone on this side of the pond. (Of course, the author is not necessarily Dutch.) In any case, some of the sentences had an awkward rhythm and could have used a little more poetic touch. NOT the last sentence, though, which is, I think, flawless.
One last thing, what's with all the monkeys these days? Did my Gibraltar monkey photo start a whole movement??
I will close with a link to the greatest porn-star name of all time: Hieronymus Cock, a Flemish artist of the 16th century. Yes, that was purely gratuitous.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 19:52 By: tqr
Splendid post, your eminence. But does it play in Peoria (or, for our purpose, does The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage touch the Monkey)? Shall we engage the author in a round of revision based upon your detailed analysis? Regardless, your splendid report upon't has whet my appetite for this venture!
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 23:09 By: architext
I'd say that's exactly what to do -- elicit the author's agreement to a few revisions and thence make our final decision. I suppose it is never wise to say "we'll definitely publish it if you revise it" since such revisions may lead to lazy results. So I'd say we request a resubmission down the line and take a pass until a new draft comes.
Did anybody else read it? I think someone else's opinions are definitely required here!
Post edited by: architext, at: 2006/02/23 23:10
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 23:23 By: tqr
Yes. Another opinion. Your grace, that is the status quo modus operandi quid pro quo SOP around here anyway. So, although you are not 'up' on them altogether, your instincts are good.
Which insolent Terminali shall cross swords with the Architext?!
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/24 05:18 By: H3K
"'Repent, Harlequin!' cried the Ticktockman"
One of Harlan Ellison's best-known stories by readers outside SF genre fandom ... So much so that it was ubiquitous in the mid-to-late '70s among the extremely limited (but well-known to me) crowd of people who read others' work aloud to an audience, in an intercollegiate competition called "Oral Interpretation of Literature".
I am reminded, in a sideways wort of way, of that story by reading this one.
Yes, there is some awkward phrasing thinly scattered throughout this piece. Yes, perhaps a closer look at the sections that intersperse meta-comment between bits of narration is in order. Nevertheless... if you can find someone available to do the scut work with the VC, this capital has the potential of rising all the way up.
And, by definition, it Touches the Monkey... how could it not?
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/26 19:38 By: architext Procedurally speaking I'd give it a thumbs-up if it took a vigorous edit to speed up some of the slow parts, and de-clunked a few of the sentences-- do we have a volunteer?
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/27 16:59 By: tqr
Send me some notes on it and I'll get with the VC. Meanwhile, let's send it up to the Execuitve Suite.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/27 19:02 By: magsAhem. Sorry to disrupt the love-in, gentlemen, but I have some reservations about this piece of capital.
The first section completely overwhelmed me because it was far too LOADED with sci-fi lingo, futuristic techno stuff and wild impossible-to-visualize descriptions. I had no context in which I could absorb it all. I reread that first section about four times before I conceded and moved on. The second section, still an advert, was not quite so jarring. I believe that the VC should start out with a bit about Charley and what he does BEFORE it throws us into the satirical ad campaign. Then that first section makes much more sense to a non-sci-fi reader like myself. Failing that, how about reversing the order of the first two sections?
Now, having said that, after that first section, I "got" it. It's irreverent, satirical and a bit scary. Charley is a likeable character and quite comic-tragic in the end.
Mags
Post edited by: mags, at: 2006/02/27 19:05
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/27 19:13 By: tqr
Very good points, Mags. Hopefully, the VC is amenable to a bit of revision or paragraph switcheroo'ing in order to make this venture sing. I will look into it.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 04:37 By: H3K
Perhaps both Archi and I have read John Brunner's seminal work from 1968, Stand on Zanzibar, which (to my knowledge) was the first major SF work to intersperse bites of pop-culture, from the future time in question, with the narrative.
In other words, Mags, you are again correct. Those coming to this capital from outside its genre niche may not be accustomed to the manner in which it is presented.
Post edited by: H3K, at: 2006/02/28 04:39
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 05:24 By: tqr
For Mags (and the rest of the Terminali)'s information, here is the text of the gmail I have sent to Mssr Hagelslag.
Dear Mr. Hagelslag,
The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage has drawn rave reviews from H3K and grudging admiration from the Architext. I have not yet read the piece myself, but was wondering if this bit of criticism from Maggie Murdock (you can reference all the discussion concerning your work by clicking on the site menu item 'Free Market' then going into 'The Terminal') has any validity for you.
Ahem. Sorry to disrupt the love-in, gentlemen, but I have some reservations about this piece of capital.
The first section completely overwhelmed me because it was far too LOADED with sci-fi lingo, futuristic techno stuff and wild impossible-to-visualize descriptions. I had no context in which I could absorb it all. I reread that first section about four times before I conceded and moved on. The second section, still an advert, was not quite so jarring. I believe that the VC should start out with a bit about Charley and what he does BEFORE it throws us into the satirical ad campaign. Then that first section makes much more sense to a non-sci-fi reader like myself. Failing that, how about reversing the order of the first two sections?
Now, having said that, after that first section, I "got" it. It's irreverent, satirical and a bit scary. Charley is a likeable character and quite comic-tragic in the end.
The piece will likely go onto the next level of vetting regardless, but I was just wondering if her concerns may have an easy fix which you could institute by changing a paragraph here or there. It is by no means a mandate that you must change the story to accommodate Ms Murdock's concerns, I just thought that maybe her concerns would set off one of those lightbulbs in a cartoon balloon above your head. If not, I apologize for my effrontery. The piece sounds very good 'as is.'
Sincerely, TQR
Hopefully, something positive will come of it.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 05:42 By: architext
I probably re-read the opening four times too, but for slightly different reasons-- not a problem of visualization so much as a problem of orienting myself into an inherently disorienting story. Actually, disorientation is in my opinion a good thing, and I doubt I could have written the original tome about the Story Miner story if I hadn't found it to be provocative.
Let me rephrase that positively: in retrospect, for all my niggling above, this story has value in its message, and it is artistically interesting. My apprehensions are solely based on a hypothetical reader's point of view: it has an interesting message, and is interestingly told. But the interesting telling is a different sort of interestingness than the interestingness of the message. I'm afraid the "telling" is interfering with the artist's own aims. If that is all just overwhelmingly abstract, refer to my comments above. I'm still in favor of trimming the "clever" future-pop-culture ad-gags, thus highlighting the story story, which is genuinely unique.
One other thing (and I'll put it more simply): it's also top-heavy, that is, it takes an awfully long time to get to "the beginning" (of the action narrative), while the ending happens rather quickly. My aesthetic standpoint here is solely a matter of taste but I think most readers would agree that there's some value in balancing one's acts. Set up the tension early (Charley's relationship with the bosses), and have the resolution be fulfilling, like Hieronymus Cock.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 05:47 By: architext Sidenote to H3K: didn't read that one (the Zanzibar one), but I did used to read a lot of MAD Magazine...
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 17:10 By: mags
You are such a statesman, Teddy.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/02 03:05 By: tqr
I have received a reply from Mr Hagelslag which is quite diplomatic and yet adamant about his piece's raison d'etre. With his permission, I plan to paste it here and let the discussion begin anew from there.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/02 15:39 By: architext
Do tell, Mssr. Hagelslag!
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/03 15:17 By: tqr
Here is Mr Hagelslag's defense:
Dear Mr. Rorschalk,
I wasn't aware that my story was under discussion until I received your gmail! Quite mistakingly, I assumed that I would be notified. Sorry about that!
Also, when I checked the TQR website today, I was completely baffled by the amount of discussion the story is generating. Incredible!
I work for an offhsore company in the Black Sea, and this means that I am away from home (and from internet access) for a week, or longer. Then I'm working offshore. Also, internet access is slow, with my very old laptop and dial-up connection, and also a bit erratic in this part of the world. So I was caught quite unaware by this deluge!
Therefore, Mr. Rorschalk, I am downloading all comments (which are quite a lot), and taking them in. Please give me some time to absorb them all, and then I will try my damnedest to reply to them, or at least try to explain what I had in mind with this story.
As to Maggie Murdock's comments in your email: well, this story is *very* unashamedly SF. The opening section is *meant* to overwhelm, to bombard the unsuspecting reader with eyeball kicks and advertising lingo, evoking both a sense of wonder and a sense of dread (or a mixture thereof). It is supposed to hit the ground running, speed up, and drag the reader along in its slipstream.
A bit in the way that giants of the field like Alfred Bester, Harlan Ellison, Robert Sheckley and R.A. Lafferty used to open their most powerful short stories: hitting you like a tornado, lifting you off your feet. (Not that I'm in any way in their class: far from it. But I can try, right?)
Also, the first section isn't really meant to have much deeper meaning: it's meant to set the tone, and draw a new reader -- especially a young one who is *used* to sensory overload through advertising -- into the story. The first part is mostly meant to enjoy the (roller coaster) ride, sweeping the unsuspecting reader along to the later parts, where meaning (hopefully) *does* come into play, and where the pace is let up.
I'll gladly admit that the first section is very much overblown -- exactly like your average advertisment for a new car, or the trailer of a new James Bond movie (the difference between the two is minimal) -- mimicking and thus satirising its source material.
I can understand that people with a literature background will find this too much. Certainly. But this is not aimed at them: it's unashamedly SF. SF and proud of it, the same way that people like Bester, Ellison, Sheckley and Lafferty were proud of it. I can't please all of the people all of the time, and I'm also just a beginning writer. So I first do what I know best, and write SF for SF fans (like myself).
Hopefully, when I get better, I might write a science fiction story that is also pleasing for literature readers like Maggie Murdock. But this is not that story.
Of course, if you insist, I could start the story with Charley. And I am surely open to rewrite suggestion and anything else you and your people have to say. But I just think that opening in a more easy-going manner will simply kill the momentum and pace of this story. It's meant to be dazzling, vibrant, energetic, vigorous. It's probably quite rough around the edges, but that same roughness also gives it its youthful vigour (I hope).
I'll happily work on polishing the story up: it's mostly first draft written in a haze of madness anyway. Images from the crazy brain written down in a word document with almost no filter in between. And therefore I think that starting slowly may very kill this story's sensibility.
Please do keep in mind that I will gladly work on this story, and see of we can improve it. I'll think about changing the beginning, although my gut feeling remains that taking the kick-start out of this piece might very well destroy it's very soul.
Now I will start reading all the comments, and will get back to you about them. But please keep in mind that I am very happy to have passed the first level (was that the floor?), and that I will read all comments with an open mind.
Best,
Peter
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/03 16:32 By: architext
The cat's got claws. I'm happy to see an energetic writer, and/or a writer who grasps the importance of an energetic story. Lookin' forward to wrestling with this one.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/06 04:53 By: H3K
architext wrote:
Sidenote to H3K: didn't read that one (the Zanzibar one), but I did used to read a lot of MAD Magazine...
The Hugo it won in its eligibility year should be recommendation enough... but it was seminal. (Also: Brunner's best novel of the four or five I've read, though I retain a lot of respect for The Sheep Look Up, as well)
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/06 20:24 By: tqr
It appears the verdict on this particular piece is a thumbs up, regardless of the reservations voiced by Mags and Archi. If either of these esteemed colleagues of mine would like to volunteer to work with the VC on improving The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage, I am open to this (as is Mr. Hagelslap, judging from his gmail) and welcome it. If, however, they are not, I am of the mind to send this piece up to the Executive Suite.
Speak now or hold your peace (piece?). This thread will not stay up very much longer if nobody is willing to undertake the action I have just proposed.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/09 20:36 By: tqr
So, this thread has pretty much run its course. Let's stop the hand wringing and send it up. I'll make sure Rokky is aware of the re-write requests, and we'll see what he makes of them.
###
MULTIPLE PAGES ON A MONDAY MORNING, FROM THE SCRAPBOOK OF INFINITE POSSIBILITIES
Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the ...
Date: 2006/03/03 19:38 By: guevara
...Scrapbook of Infinite Possibilities.
Ay caramba! Now that is a title!
It is so long that it would not fit into the headline application thingie. So, here it is, take a deep breath and:
Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the Scrapbook of Infinite Possibilities
OK. Enough on the excessive length of the title. It is excessive, but the title is not the capital venture itself now, is it?
The venture itself is concerned with reminiscences and past regrets. The device for revisiting pivotal moments for the protagonist, one Reggie Whytsel(wistful?), is his high school scrapbook. The metaphor leaned heavily upon to convey his 'infinite possiblities' is the option play, which he engineered as the quarterback of his high school football team way back when.
Reggie is a likable enough fellow, middle-aged, paunchy, trying to understand his adolescent, star-quarterback son. The opening paragraph creates a wistful, poignant emotional base we all can relate to, and sets up the conceit with the old yearbook and the spooling out of alternate futures brought about by alternate decisions made by Reggie at pivotal moments in his past.
One future holds a happy marriage without children, another a failed marriage with a son. There's a fatal mugging in New York in the mix, as well as a major falling out with his son that estranges them forever. There's some nice action with a young Reggie running down the line of scrimmage, split second planning when/if to pitch the ball to the halfback and/or turn it up field and run.
It all comes down to one game, an attitude of duty or of fun, and the willingness to take the pain.
It gets fairly complex, but a lot of the turning points felt cliche and undeserved. The falling out with his son that leads to their estrangement didn't seem at all to me to warrant such a radical reaction, thus it seemed undeserved to me. The fatal mugging in New York ... are muggings fatal very often? Doesn't seem so, and though it's true most probably happen there, it's still stilted to have it in New York.
I give the VC credit for having a happy ending. I like happy endings because these days they have gone so out of vogue. But the whole spinning out of alternate realities that come before it become overly repetitive and almost too familiar.
Perhaps I am jaded.
Re:Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the ...
Date: 2006/03/07 16:32 By: lafloor
I must say I was drawn to the character of Reggie. Very much an "everyman" kind of guy. He's not bad, not outstanding, but the small little choices had huge (different) impacts on his life here. What struck me is that he seemed sort of ill-fated no matter WHAT he chose. He played hard -- he got fucked. He played for fun -- he got fucked. So there was a bit of cruel fate lurking for him no matter what he did. So that sort of undermined the "free will" aspect of the story. What does it matter how we can build our own fates if either choice leads to heartbreak, you know? Thing is, I'm sure that's not the intent of the writer here. And, that is rectified by the ending, which I greatly enjoyed, because I can appreciate a happy ending. Again though, it wasn't really by Reggie's "choices" that he ended up with his happy ending, but sort of more like as a by-product of his long years of suffering.
Some believe in (the corrupted, Amercanized version of) karma. I do not. I do believe in free will. However, this story seems to be about free will, and yet it undermines that at specific parts. That's irony, and I like and believe in irony.
Overall, it's *extremely* well written, and I was completely engaged throughout. Definitely capital of the highest caliber. i wouldn't rec any changes, either. But, alas, it just didn't touch the monkey for me.
###
TQR'S REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr [VC],
Owing to the fact no other comments had been tendered concerning your piece in the Terminal, I have decided to stick a fork in it and call it 'done.' I regret to inform you it did not impress the managers enough to warrant further vetting. It was acknowledged to be well written and uniquely structured, but ultimately not quite able to make it over the wall. I hope some of the comments made there were helpful in understanding the reasons for this rejection. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
###
IN THE BLACK
In the Black
Date: 2006/03/09 04:50 By: H3K
First, let me say once again how enthused I am about reading so many SF-type capital ventures for possible acceptance.
Second, this one is obviously extracted from something quite a bit longer. As such, it suffers from being incomplete as a stand-alone.
Third, the VC appears to have invested a lot of time in world-building -- always admirable. And she presents it in the proper way: not in tedious "info-dump" (as it has been phrased elsewhere), but gradually, as an integral part of the background. This may be only a matter of personal preference, but I rather enjoy writing more when it challenges me to learn its background from context -- thus, I endeavor to write that way as well. However... because this venture cannot stand alone, the reader's learning curve is interrupted, leaving too many unfilled gaps in comprehension.
I wish to encourage the VC to continue this work, as I believe she may have important things to say through its medium... and I wish her success in submitting it for review to a more appropriate venue -- which may well be TQR, since our word limit is 12,000.
Re:In the Black
Date: 2006/03/10 03:32 By: lafloor
Hal! Bonjour!
How I have missed you, Hal! Like taking a hard hit against the boards, our verbal spars were enough to make me grind what's left of my teeth and revel in the brutal glory.
I cam back here, Hal, hoping to steal the puck and skate to victory (again) over you.
It is with deepest regret and utmost pain I have to utter these words:
I agree with you, Hal.
This is a an excellent piece. Well written, edgy characters, and a world that comes together piece by piece. I was riveted and intrigued.
But, ultimately, I too felt it was part of a longer piece, or that it could use more expansion. Sci-Fi with erotica, that's all good. Not to mention a pique-ing plot. (Pique-ing -- is that a word? I think not. But I'm an ESL remember, so accept the sentiment.)
Re:In the Black
Date: 2006/03/10 04:57 By: H3K
Ah, M'sieu LaFloor -- good to see you, too... and to be reminded that the only thing better than a worthy opponent is a worthy teammate. I would not sneer at the chance to provide an assist to any goal you scored.
Yet, have no fear: I'm certain we will find other capital upon which to heartily disagree!
Re:In the Black
Date: 2006/03/10 15:46 By: tqr
Send me to the box if you must, but this tender reunion has touched my heart. Je t'aime. Oh, and by the by, a little birdie told me you two's next big dust up may come at the behest of the piece Quick Vahjaii?
###
QUICK VAHJAII: THE LAST INTERVIEW
Quick Vahjaii
Date: 2006/03/11 05:14 By: H3K I believe it's a contradiction in terms for a person to say that they understand Dada. I also believe that one either "gets it," or one doesn't.
I don't get this venture.
It is presented as the transcript of an interview with a notorious artist (about whom I would be extremely surprised to hear that he wasn't initially modeled on Dali). Unfortunately, the most interesting part of it is the 2 1/2 page introduction from whichever publication printed the interview.
I am not one who insists that all works of fiction must have a plot, or a "story arc", or the rest of that jazz. I do, however, expect to be able to divine a reason for a capital venture's existence, some point its originator is trying to make. There are, granted, some offhand comments about the current state of the world, and religion's role in fomenting it... but nothing we haven't heard before (and certainly nothing we haven't agreed with).
Judging from the biographical information at the end of this venture proposal, this VC has met with some success in the past, and I welcome him to take another shot. This one touches no monkeys.
Re:Quick Vahjaii
Date: 2006/03/12 00:00 By: guevara
But you are a machine! How can you even imagine what it is to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? You're bolted to the floor, and I'm not talking the Haunted Disco...
What struck me hard as Castillian steel about this venture is this:
Because all we're ever really doing in life is dodging death, making money and then solving problems. The minute you haven't a problem to solve, you're just making it easier for death to catch up with you.
And it's really easy to create problems. Chase money enough, chase sex enough and you're bound to have loads of problems from enemies trying to kill you to AIDS also trying to kill you. In the end one or the other is going to get you and you die. If I could write it up in a fancy way and publish a book, I know it'll get popular.
Sage words that cut to the bone, the cuticle, the grain of sand wherein abides the universe. Were it that this Prick Vahjaii had more scene to him than sweet sentence! Somewhere in the interview, Slick Vahjaii himself grouses about how if he knew how he'd cobble all his wisdom into a narrative, a story or some kind of novel and make millions with it. Which, I believe is true. But, painful as it is, I must finally bow to H3K's binary logic, bitter as it is, and agree that no monkeys have here been touched. Although it could and should and would have been were even a little bit of the alluded to madness twixt Dick Vahjaii and his Woman were ever allowed to splash its way fully onto the screen.
Re:Quick Vahjaii
Date: 2006/03/12 01:14 By: lafloor
le sigh
Once again, I am deprived. As Hal was once the ice beneath my skates, my bitter, respected foe, it is most unfortunate that this quarter I find myself in unusual agreement with him. Guevara -- you, too. Ay carumba! That, too, is a pain that's deep. We're all skating for the same team on this piece of VC.
While the language itself was at times inspiring and jolting enough to keep me reading, and while I was fixed upon the deepening accusations regarding his wife's death, ultimately, it didn't culminate into enough of a thunder for me. I did like the different "interview" format of this piece, too. I think this is an area where the VC could experiment again.
Until next quarter -- with hopes for better jousting and confrontation, bon amis! For now, I bid you adieu!
TQR's REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Quick Vahjaii: The Last Interview did not make it out of the Terminal at TQR. The capital managers who looked at it agreed there needed to be more of a point to it, and the fact it was not a traditional 'scene' oriented narrative did not help its cause either. This is not to say QV has no redeeming qualities. Guevara enjoyed it very much, but had to grudgingly agree with H3K about there not being enough 'there' there, if you get what I'm saying. I hope to see more of your work in the quarters to come.
Sincerely, TQR
###
DARK ABYSS
guevara
First, this piece begs for a more accurate (inaccurate?) title. Dark Abyss, well, it's so pedestrian, and its connotations so general and patently boring. Nor does this vanilla title prepare you for the bizarro reality you are about to enter upon reading the piece.
It would tax me to no end to list each contradiction and/or reconciliation of opposites that pile up paragraph after paragraph the deeper you go into this venture. And the setting, the event horizon of a black hole, is a perfect metaphor for just such goings on: at the cusp of crossing that line where the laws of physics and gravity and whatall breakdown and become moot.
There is very little to the plot itself: A boy stranded on a space station wishes to reclaim the money stolen from him the day before so he can get off the station before it tumbles into the singularity and oblivion.
This exemplary bit of dialogue strikes with the profound nonsensicality of a koan and reminds me of the nonsequitur seeming but perfect last line of Chinatown, "Forget about it, Jake. It's Chinatown."
"It's Management. Let me give you some advice, friend."
"I'm not your friend."
"All the same. Next time, hide your money where Management can see it."
The beauty of this story is in finding all the painstakingly placed switchbacks and contradictions, and yet, too, there is somehow built-in commiseration with the protagonist, who's decision Not to steal the white chits from lady Grandfather is genuinely fraught with tension.
I must admit this venture is a bit confounding for me because even though it 'feels' right in its nonsense approach, it still doesn't consciously make very much sense. Which may be its strength, strangely enough. It seems a piece
the investors may have or even want to read more than the customary single time in order to glean all the jewels therein.
I am down with it, I think, and my vote is up on this peculiar beast.
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/07 12:23 By: doomey
well, look at me, up in the Terminal and shit. ted lowered a rope through the rafters, a super secret rip in the fabric of reality, a trap door, a Way Up. i am not feeling right about this, the smells alone alienate me (is there a turkey in the oven?), but i've a job to do. so i'll do it. luckily, all the Terminali are out, or perhaps they're asleep under their desks. although i don't see any desks. this be a strange place. steril, white. anywhat, the reason i was yanked up here was to vote on this here piece of capital. so...
sounds good to me, ted, though i haven't examined it in detail. very escheresque, i dig it. i like a simple plot at times, plenty of action, twists and turns. i say send it up to the Exec Suite.
there. i did what was asked of me. i feel dirty. this place gives me the creeps. i am out of here, climbing back down the rope to the haunted disco where i can breathe air untainted by dread and Lysol. to think, i so wanted to crash this palace earlier. tis weird, sister. TTFN
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/07 15:28 By: guevara
Rorschalk!
Who let this common cur in to sully our polished flooring and slaver all over our roast beefs? I will not work under such barbarous conditions! Do you hear me? I demand satisfaction!
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/07 15:30 By: tqr
Calm your Latin blood, there, Skippy. There are other revolutions to engender. I'll have you know I am expert with an epee and am not afraid to use it.
Boligard!
Dive! Dive! Dive!
Now. Both of you ... hit the bricks!
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/11 05:35 By: H3K
Yes, it desperately needs a new title.
Yes, it is very strange, in a way I find enjoyable -- and compelling enough to read twice, though I have yet to do that.
Yes, it should be kicked upstairs... and we should have The Monkey fitted for a spacesuit.
--------
PS: I recommend to the VC, and all other who read this, the works of Michael Swanwick.
###
BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HOT PLACE
Between Iraq and a Hot Place
Date: 2006/03/13 07:00 By: guevara
A wonderful character, this Nick Mammon, who's namesake may be a synonym for the arch devil Beelzebub, according to some scholars of the Middle Ages. Regardless, I like the allusion. And the set up, a game show that makes Jerry Springer look like a saccharin version of the Teletubbies. I found myself laughing out loud (not lolling, you fools, which to me is anomatopia for 'Choking on ones tongue') in quite a few places. The best parts come before the actual game show titled The Hell You Say goes on the air, when Mammon and his androgyne assistant producer are bantering about the scheduling of guests:
"When was the last time you got me a contentious psychopath or a hardcore religious fanatic? Huh? Or even a habitual peeping tom? I can't remember the last time I was able to goad so much as a sincere obsessive-compulsive shopaholic. Let’s face it, Dweezil, you’ve been shooting blanks."
It is good dialogue, no?
However, once the game show is begins, the venture stops working (for me, at least). Seeing as how the title of this particular tale is dominated by the loaded 'Iraq' one would think there would be some topical commentary, characters etc involved in this contentious conflict being mentioned here (Donald Rumsfeld has a leg blown off by an IED and is then forced to attend a butt kicking contest, perhaps?), but there is not, and the proceedings go on with some subplot about a busty blonde network censor busting Mammon's balls, until the finis, where Mammon's show is mercifully cancelled.
The VC gets high marks for characterization and snappy, funny dialogue, but the venture as a whole has failed to touch my monkey due to lack of surprise and/or anything/anybody recognizable with which to justify the loaded connotations in the title itself. This, much like the current month we're in (or is it its antithesis?) comes in like a lion, but goes out like a lamb.
Re:Between Iraq and a Hot Place
Date: 2006/03/14 05:15 By: H3K
I must agree, Señor Guevara. There is much to like about the venture -- the setup, the show's host, and even the angelic censor -- but there's no Big Pay-Off. And the title is merely a long reach for a weak pun, with no relevance to the rest (except that the Big Guy is in Baghdad).
I was serendipitously treated, the other evening, to a "Fresh Air" interview with Sidney Lumet -- a re-broadcast on the occasion of the release, on expanded DVD, of his two seminal films, "Dog Day Afternoon" and "Network". The latter was decades ahead of its time, and remains the best commentary on the long declining spiral of television and the society it reflects. The venture at hand even alludes to it.
As I say, there is much to like within this venture, and with a more "boffo" ending it might do well... but Paddy Chayefsky's seat at the top is safe.
TQR'S REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Between Iraq and a Hot Place did not make it out of the Terminal alive. All capital managers agreed Mammon is a great character surrounded by a good supporting cast, but that what the title promised as a scathing satire of current events did nothing of the sort, so that it did not meet the expectations set up by the loaded title. Their was also agreement that the pre-The Hell You Say part of the piece was more enjoyable than the actual game show itself, thus nullifying almost half the narrative. The fact you were almost 400 words below our minimum word count standards also counted against you, making it necessary that the piece be that much extra special in order to continue up the vetting ladder. I hope this rejection does not discourage you from submitting to us in the quarters to come. We all, for the most part, enjoyed your work and see in it great potential.
Sincerely, TQR
###
A TALE FOR THE HANGED MAN
A Tale for the Hanged Man mags
This VC can write, to state the obvious. I imagine him in endless editing mode, polishing his metaphors and similes until they are as smooth as glass. His expository passages are excrutiatingly detailed and evoke everything he wants in his reader's head, and ONLY want he wants in his reader's head. He leaves nothing to chance, there's no work for the reader at all, in fact. We may as well be watching a film. And if it were a film, I can't help but hear Bogie as the voice-over, because there is something quite pulpy about the scenes he paints and the language he employs. I kept expecting to hear dame or broad or paluka pop up somewhere. Am I off base? Probably.
As poignant as this story is, and although there are some dazzlingly beautiful phrases turned, I'm afraid that in the end I found it to be too weighed down by metaphor and description, and too light on action. I mean, not much happens, does it, but it doesn't happen in a technically beautifully written way. Know what I mean?
I would definitely like to see some more capital from this VC in the future tho. AND if any of the Terminali think I'm full of shit... well I'd love to hear from them too. (just remember who processes your expense cheques tho luvvies).
Mags
Re:A Tale for the Hanged Man
Date: 2006/03/20 00:32 By: H3K
Three days late, and as many megabytes short... nevertheless, I am finally here to comment.
Let no one think I have been swayed by the vieled threat to my expenses, trivial as they may be (though electricity is not free). Nevertheless, I agree with dear Ms. Murdock... except that I was reminded more of Hesse than of Chandler, more of Steppenwolf than The Big Sleep; i.e., dark and full of dreams, but not noir.
I also echo her sentiment regarding something different from this VC -- something with a bit more plot, or an evolution within its protagonist.
###
SUNRISE IN COAT CITY
Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/13 19:28 By: guevara
This VC certainly has a flare for following through on his similes and metaphors. The writing is succinct and poetic, too. How does he do that? Hard work and talent melded together have been proven out in the person of this VC and what I am calling a thoroughly successful capital venture.
Just when I thought to myself "Aye yi yi, this piece is devolving into a maudlin tale of HIV infection" there is a WHAM BAM SLAM down-and-dirty death struggle that is neither stylized or petty but something to keep you riveted and sympathetic to both characters involved. Chandler's Marlowe is evoked and, judging from what I know of Raymond Chandler, not speciously. The dialogue twixt combatants at the terminus of their struggle is heart wrenching and real.
Back at the scene of our protags lost love the reminder of her last invocation is turned on its head. “Come back here when it’s done and show me the same mercy you show him.”What she said seemed at first a plea for a swift death at her once(and future?)-upon-a-time lover's hand. When, in actuality, it was a small voice crying in the desert for a kind of reconcilliation. And out of desolation hope has bloomed, ushering in a kind of rebirth where death only seemed to roost the night before.
If this does not matriculate to the Executive Suite, I will eat my shoe.
Re:Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/15 07:24 By: tqr
Mademoiselle Gabrielle ... Guevara is off ravishing some young buxom capital manager groupie type, the kind Boligard can only fantasize about during his avid bouts of self abuse, you know, the little sluts who hang out wearing bustiers and halters street level on the corner twixt these very Terminal offices and the confounded ubiquity that is Starbucks in every city. So... you have a window of opportunity. I will stand over here with a cudgel in one hand and my saber in t'other as insurance against any unexpected comeuppance. Now, yes ... tis the time and the place to rally round the family with a pocketful of shells!
Re:Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/15 15:45 By: guevara
Senor Rorschalk,
You impugn my reputation at your own peril... I am a married man! How dare you. I seeth with vengeful dreams, but not for the wonderful Gabrielle. It will be an honor to have her 2nd opinion complementing my own concerning this VC's work. But you, you I shall deal with later.
Re:Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/20 00:54 By: H3K
I am afraid you will have to settle for me, Señor...
But fear not -- I come to agree with you. This capital deserves to rise.
Interesting that both of the remaining proposals have evoked thoughts of Chandler from its readers -- yet the one that does so unabashedly, by directly stated reference, does so with a conscience and without pretense.
And even I, a machine, was touched by the redemption contained in its ending.
2. The Lecturer
3. Miss Daniella
4. MASS Attack
5. Staying Small
6. Between the Night People and the Day People by J.R. Colvin
7. The Travelling Scapegoat
8. Snowflies and Savages
9. DFdTech
10. Home by Nelson Stanley
11. Golas is Dead
12. Elders and ...
13. The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage by Peter Hagelslag
14. Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the Scrapbook of Infinite Possibilities
15. In the Black
16. Quick Vahjaii: The Last Interview
17. Dark Abyss by Ann Leckie
18. Between Iraq and a Hot Plac
19. A Tale for the Hanged Man
20. Sunrise in Coat City by Steven J Dines
bolded titles denote ventures that have been sent to the executive suite.
###
MR ENIGMA
Terminal discussion concerning this cap were accidentally deleted before they could be archived..
###THE LECTURER
Date: 2006/02/16 22:46 By: guevara Status: Admin
The Lecturer Aye yi yi. The weak of heart need not apply. The VC has crafted a tale of the utmost depravity borne in the soul of a monstrous man indelibly marked by his exploits as an Army Ranger in Vietnam. The writing is amicable enough, relentlessly marching toward its climax of misogynistic horror. The shock value herein is like a knockout punch seen by the unfortunate person about to be hit: slow motion destruction one is unable to avoid thought they can see it coming from what seems like a mile away. The venture itself is, as I have alluded, crafted quite competently, framing the action within a snapshot that gives the reader context for this Jacobean style nightmare grudge revenge vendetta that has subtext off the page both in the past and in the future. The larger question concerning The Lecturer is does it fall into the genre of literature or simply tales of true-crime and unspeakable torture? The torturous act that lies at the climax of this tale is, for the most part, kept off the page, though the objects of the torture are listed and their functions elaborated upon, but the twisted act is not shown, leaving the girl and her terrible fate to be created mostly within the investor’s imagination. Which would lean toward literature, albeit literature that would make the Marquis de Sade blush, but literature nonetheless. A practical concern for the magazine must be the backlash that publishing something so on-the-surface-of-it hateful and hurtful toward women would obviously bring. I cannot say that reading The Lecturer was an enjoyable in a self-affirming way, but can say that it was something I found hard to NOT read once the inevitable, unbelievably depraved conclusion was part way in sight.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/19 18:44 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
Lecturer Date: 2006/02/19 18:42 By: gaybrat Status: Admin IP: 72.155.172.62 Karma: 1 Admin Posts: 23 graphgraph The 'brat read this twisted little piece of capital last night. It is demented, dark, politically incorrect. To sum it up, the 'brat loved it. Yes, the subject matter is taboo, but I call it bold and daring. Yes, the main character is atrocious, but do all main characters have to be loveable? I think capital should also explore the darker parts of humanity as well as the light. Does that mean the VC who writes the capital is wicked, or those of us who enjoy the capital? No, it just means there is something darkly fascinating about the underbelly of human existence. And my main reason for praising this capital is the language. Here is a VC who owns the English language and knows how to use it to the best of his ability. In short, the 'brat loves it!
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/20 03:54 By: H3K Status: Admin
The Machine, on the other hand, gives a resounding "No." I was unable to finish reading it, once it turned from eroticism into blatant misogynist pornography. No -- I will be honest. I refused to finish reading it.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/20 04:11 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
Not for the faint of heart, I suppose. The 'brat endulges in a feeling of--perhaps misplaced--superiority that he can handle the darkness while others turn away. Oh well, each to his own, I love the story for its refusal to turn away from grisly subject matter and its mastery of language.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/20 22:39 By: guevara Status: Admin
I am proclaiming myself Switzerland in this fight. And so, another opinion will be needed to break the tie.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/21 01:35 By: lafloor Status: Admin
I'm open. Pass the puck. Lafloor likes it rough.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/21 15:33 By: tqr Status: Admin
I hit you right on the tape, and you're breaking in all alone on the goalie.
Re:The Lecturer
Date: 2006/02/21 18:40 By: lafloor Status: Admin
Le sigh.
This was a sad instance where, for me, the hype didn't live up. Certainly, this isn't a warm-fuzzies kind of story, but nor was I able to find it all that depraved, nor misogynistic. Perhaps because, for me, the building "eroticism" wasn't particularly, ahem, enticing. So without that build up, when the tables got turned, it also didn't play as gratuitous or sadistic either. I mean that as a compliment to the writer. The story didn't devolve into "shock-porn" for me because it never was porn, dig? The story itself is a nasty tale of revenge. Competently plotted with motivation and such. However, I found myself reading it, waiting to be shocked. And when that didn't happen, I felt let down. This disappointment, I fear, comes because the characters didn't ever make the transition from plot points to characters. We were given a couple of spare details of Elly, but other than her strange attraction to this guy, and her strong muscle, I never felt her as anything more than cardboard. This could be part of what could offend some people -- that she is dealt with as simply an object. And it's something I could get behind as a literary device, as this story comes from her tormentor's point of view. (it would make sense that he would see her as little more than an object. however, it would also add ample tension if the reader were given subtle ways to "connect" with her as other than such while he mentally negates that. or even more tension if he struggled against seeing her "character" so that he'd be able to fulfill his oath.) However, even more of a letdown is that The Lecturer himself never comes alive to sizzle or sparkle enough. I don't need my bad guys to all be dashing such as Hanibal Lecter, but then give me perhaps a whiff a humanity as conflict, or even a trace of personality to draw me in. I thought the plot of the story was there. However, there were some very distracting contradictions that moved beyond sloppy: Such as the narrator saying he "wasted" someone and in following sentences saying he didn't waste them, he murdered them. Then at the climax, timing differences in the punishment times that just simply confused me, because conflicting info was given. While I think the structure and idea is solid, I think it just doesn't go far enough, perhaps largely due to lack of characterization, which is perhaps what makes it offensive on the surface for some. It's like the difference between the movies "Sin City" and "8 MM". Both got blasted for gratuitous violence and their treatment of women. "Sin City", however, went ALL THE WAY (and did it SO RIGHT) and did it so extreme that those who were offended, I could understand why. But it also did enough to rise above so that others saw it as brilliant art. In contrast, the movie 8 MM was so half-assed that the *idea* was simply offensive, along with the poor execution. I had trouble understanding why anyone was offended over such ludicrous schlock, and no one sees it as art, just as a bad movie. Punch this story up and make these characters live and breathe more, and perhaps then it'll be truly shocking, and can transcend the offensive nature -- for some, while others can be truly grossed out.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear [VC],
I regret to inform you The Lecturer has been dropped from consideration for publication at TQR. It was a split decision between capital managers as to whether it should go on to the next level of vetting, then LaFloor came in and broke the tie. Rather than recapitulate his analysis, I'm simply going to paste it in here because he really did a nice job of getting into the piece.
Le sigh.
This was a sad instance where, for me, the hype didn't live up.
Certainly, this isn't a warm-fuzzies kind of story, but nor was I able to find it all that depraved, nor misogynistic. Perhaps because, for me, the building "eroticism" wasn't particularly, ahem, enticing. So without that build up, when the tables got turned, it also didn't play as gratuitous or sadistic either. I mean that as a compliment to the writer. The story didn't devolve into "shock-porn" for me because it never was porn, dig?
The story itself is a nasty tale of revenge. Competently plotted with motivation and such. However, I found myself reading it, waiting to be shocked. And when that didn't happen, I felt let down. This disappointment, I fear, comes because the characters didn't ever make the transition from plot points to characters. We were given a couple of spare details of Elly, but other than her strange attraction to this guy, and her strong muscle, I never felt her as anything more than cardboard. This could be part of what could offend some people -- that she is dealt with as simply an object. And it's something I could get behind as a literary device, as this story comes from her tormentor's point of view. (it would make sense that he would see her as little more than an object. however, it would also add ample tension if the reader were given subtle ways to "connect" with her as other than such while he mentally negates that. or even more tension if he struggled against seeing her "character" so that he'd be able to fulfill his oath.) However, even more of a letdown is that The Lecturer himself never comes alive to sizzle or sparkle enough. I don't need my bad guys to all be dashing such as Hanibal Lecter, but then give me perhaps a whiff a humanity as conflict, or even a trace of personality to draw me in.
I thought the plot of the story was there. However, there were some very distracting contradictions that moved beyond sloppy: Such as the narrator saying he "wasted" someone and in following sentences saying he didn't waste them, he murdered them. Then at the climax, timing differences in the punishment times that just simply confused me, because conflicting info was given.
While I think the structure and idea is solid, I think it just doesn't go far enough, perhaps largely due to lack of characterization, which is perhaps what makes it offensive on the surface for some. It's like the difference between the movies "Sin City" and "8 MM". Both got blasted for gratuitous violence and their treatment of women. "Sin City", however, went ALL THE WAY (and did it SO RIGHT) and did it so extreme that those who were offended, I could understand why. But it also did enough to rise above so that others saw it as brilliant art. In contrast, the movie 8 MM was so half-assed that the *idea* was simply offensive, along with the poor execution. I had trouble understanding why anyone was offended over such ludicrous schlock, and no one sees it as art, just as a bad movie.
Punch this story up and make these characters live and breathe more, and perhaps then it'll be truly shocking, and can transcend the offensive nature -- for some, while others can be truly grossed out.
Thank you for submitting to TQR, and we hope to see something from you in the quarters that follow.
Best, TQR
###
MISS DANIELLA
Guevara
Oh Deus ex machina! I have accidentally deleted Gaybrat's fine initial posting for this capital venture! I have contacted him with my regrets in this matter. Rest assured, I am no gay-bashing machismo-charged Latin thug. It was an honest click of the mouse that toppled this house of cards. It is my hope that the 'brat will understand and re-post his fine initial posting (didn't I just say that?). But here is my reply to that now-phanton post, in the hopes of seeing it once more! Memo to Brat: Alert me to your new posting of that old thread so that I may delete this post to allow your post its rightful pole position, and then I will paste my reply again properly in its wake. ### What I want to know is what did the unthinking Boryana do with the bit of ear flesh that she had roasted? It could not be worse than snake meat, I am sure! The thing I agree with the Brat about most is his assertion that this piece creates its own unique environment that simply becomes itself as you are reading, naturally, without any hint of info-dump or clumsy artifice. The setting has a very old-Iron Curtain feel to it. For you uneducated youngsters out there (and I know that you are legion) the Iron Curtain was what the Soviet Bloc of totalitarian states was nicknamed before the fall of the Pinkos and the Berlin Wall, signalling a new era and creating a vacuum for the new Bad Guy to fill. But I digress. The setting evoked by this piece is concretely subtle and sunk into the marrow of everything that is of it. It is the ox that pulls the cart. There is a fable-like quality about the whole enterprise here: Miss Daniella has 7 farmhands among four hills and one Magdalenesque hooker who keeps all of them fat and happy. There are Biblical undertones within the numbers and the language which I cannot quite put my finger on, but are nonetheless intriguing. There are sentences in here that are simply a delight to behold because of their idiosyncratic poetry: Boryana looked so pretty, although she carried an axe tied to her buttocks and she could slice the guy’s ear if he by chance he muttered under his breath she was a slut. This is not a VC floundering around to find her 'voice.' Mira! She has found it. However, I was disappointed by the climax, the thrust of it all. The bang for my buck, quotient wasn't quite there for this ancient Swashbuckler. I was never a fan of Chekov, either, who many revere as the ultimate short story bad ass. So... perhaps I am missing the point because it is too much hidden in plain sight for this old reader to see.Post edited by: guevara, at: 2006/02/16 07:33
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/17 15:44 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
I'm a little busy to recreate my original post, so I'll just respond to the response. Rereading this capital, I am so amazed by the VC's ability to create an environment that seems authentic and believable, even while being so completely different from that I am used to. And for me the ending did not disappoint. There was a loneliness and sadness to the ending that I found poignant and moving. I think this capital deserves a shot.
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/17 18:50 By: tqr Status: Admin
Looks like we've got our first need for a tie-breaking opinion ... H3K, mags? Give us a groove.
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/17 19:04 By: guevara Status: Admin
Si,si! A tie breaker ... or perhaps a kamikaze dash to the chessboard! I am spoiling for a fight!
Re: Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/20 03:20 By: H3K Status: Admin
Enthusiasts for this piece will not be pleased at how I intend to break this tie... It does have a marvelous voice. I am reminded simultaneously of Ray Bradbury's "The Wonderful Ice-Cream Suit", any number of translations of the South American fabulists, such as Borges, and even a little of Yiddish literature of a hundred years ago or so (some of Sholom Aleichem's stories that are *not* about Tevye, for instance). I agree that this story cries for a larger audience. However, it needs serious editing to resolve minor points of grammar, and major instances of redundancy. Such a task would entail working with the VC to polish the piece before I'd recommend sending it up. As willing as I am to engage in that sort of work, and as much as this offering deserves it, I no longer have the time. I sincerely hope someone does.Post edited by: H3K, at: 2006/02/20 03:22
Re:Miss Daniella
Date: 2006/02/20 04:09 By: gaybrat Status: Admin
The 'brat does not have ample time, but I would be willing to work with the author if need be. I feel the piece deserves it.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear Ms [VC],
I regret to inform you Miss Daniella has been rejected for publication in TQR's Spring Issue. The capital managers who commented upon it inside the Terminal were all impressed by its setting's ability to evoke a sense of foreignness and, yet, familiarity.
A few, however, mentioned redundancies and grammatical errors that would have to be fixed in order that it could be passed up to the Executive Suite. Guevara said the ending was too Chekhovian for his tastes, meaning too subtle and not with any discernable climactic bang. Not that all ventures need such pyrotechnics, to be sure. But this climactic over-understatement combined with the comments made by Gaybrat and H3K about the redundancy problems have led me to conclude your venture didn't quite have what is needed to make it to the next level.
Judging from the positive comments and your impressive publishing record, you definitely have what it takes to get to that next level, though. Chalk this rejection up to the fact that you can't hit a homerun each time you step up to the plate, as they say. And I hope this rejection does not discourage you from submitting another piece for our consideration. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Sincerely, Ted Rorschalk
###
MASS Attack
Date: 2006/02/18 21:03 By: lafloor Status: Admin
What I like about this piece is that it throws me into the alternaverse without too much prefacing or explanation. Things unfold and become understandable as a very organic part of the story, interwoven with the action without stops for exposition. Plus, the characters unfold in the same way. No long expository backgrounds for development, their actions define them. As such, there are some very satisfactory arcs for both Skeen and Buddha which gives this a layer beyond the heavy action. This definitely owes its roots to some "buddy stories" which I don't see much of these days offscreen. I like how the distinct personalities of Skeen, Buddha and MD are forced into a situation where they have to act as their own "unit" beyond their usual duties, and the way they're able to push each other beyond what we'd have expected from them. This is completely self-contained as a short story, and yet I can't help picturing it as part of a larger whole for some reason. Almost as though this could be one pivotal piece of a novel in progress. And though the action is well rendered and the characters satisfying, it felt a bit "deja vu" to me, perhaps because the buddy scenario is a well-worn genre. I'm not quite sure that it had enough pop and freshness to really set it off in that capacity.
Re:MASS Attack
Date: 2006/02/20 22:35 By: guevara Status: Admin
The VC has a future in Sci-Fi, to be sure. MASS Attack is not it, however. To me the characters did not seem 3 dimensional. Granted, a genre work is more about plot, but still, to be viable for publication, the capital has got to have a wizbang plot and believable characters. Buddha was too supine, even for a military janitor. Skeen was too much the stereotypical tough, loner-misfit. MD's recurring speech patterns became dsitracting instead of endearing. And, too, this does seem incomplete, as if a piece torn from a larger puzzle. And so the satisfied feeling a good capital venture leaves you with is suspended here, indefinitely. Another thing I noticed was a preponderance of similes, both 'as if' and 'like' in form. It, like MD's redundant speech pattern, became distracting. I found myself anticipating the next 'as if' and/or 'like' like a major league hitter sitting on a fast ball. I hope the VC takes this terse critique not as an indictment of his writing, but as an encouragement to keep plugging because the potential is there and all it needs is indomitable will in the face of rejection to sharpen and hone it to a keen edge. The crucible all writers need survive in order to become.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear Mr. [VC],
I regret to inform you MASS Attack has been turned down for further vetting at TQR. This should not be discouraging since less than 30 percent of the ventures make it from the Floor to the Terminal, as yours did. Making it to the Terminal means all the rudiments of craft were in place (or nearly in place) and that, with further writing, your ventures will encompass the elements that the capital managers in the Terminal found lacking. Thank you for your venture, and we look forward to working with you again.
Best, TQR
###
STAYING SMALL
Date: 2006/02/18 21:13
By: La Floor
Very interesting piece, definitely. As a fan of the departed "Carnivale" on HBO, this piece brought forth some of the macabre humanity of that show, the struggling life of the dying traveling circus. Young Coby is one of the circus folk, a dwarf who dreams of being a clown when he grows up. Therefore, he looks to current head clown Jingo to try and capture some of his secrets. But his world gets shaken when he spies on Jingo one night and finds out much more than he bargained for, and instead of answering questions, it only intensifies his curiosity and longing. This is a coming-of-age story, though done with a very different twist and flavor. I, much like Coby, was hooked at the seemingly magical goings on with Jingo and his mom. And I think Coby is portrayed perfectly here -- curious and yet cautious. He's on the cusp of *something* here, so that mixture of anticipation and aggravation works very well. Also, I think the flavor of the circus was captured very well in a plethora of telling details. The climax makes perfect sense in a figurative and symbolic way, however, I couldn't help feeling it went a bit over-the-top. Although supernatural things were certainly at work throughout, it got both a bit monstrous and was a bit unresolved in a more literal sense, if you know what I mean. -->
Re:Staying Small
Date: 2006/02/20 21:31
By: guevara
I am afraid this sentence made me think of a particularly nasty sex act(or perhaps my mind is too much in the gutter?): Peering in, he was just in time to see Jingo standing over his mother, her pale face gazing up at him from the waterfall of golden ripples. Later, when the same transformative sequence is portrayed, it is clear there is no Golden Showering going on ... but that is one heck of a misunderstanding while it lasted! Like LaFloor, I enjoyed the evocation of those Carnies and Circus folk to whom the world around them is inhabited by rubes and marks. I particularly enjoyed the Captain whose indirect presence hovered like the Law of Moses on the periphery of the proceedings. But, alas, the monstrous ending only confused me. I did not 'get it' as they say, and so it simply left me flat. Then the fairy tale denuoument didn't really resonate with me either, although writing this I realize that the point of the piece is tied in with magic and fairy-tale-like goings on, and so it stands to reason the ultimate paragraph would have a fairy tale feel to it. So... but, I must say, it still did not transport me to that happy land of fictive dream. It appears we need a third opinion here to break the tie. -->
Re:Staying Small
Date: 2006/02/22 01:09
By: H3K Status: Admin
Five parts coming of age, suitably written for the Young Adult market niche (also a library classification)... and one part H.P. Lovecraft. Or, to characterize it more simplistically, a "Goosebumps (TM)" story which isn't long enough to fill one of their slim, garishly-covered paperbacks. My problem is... I liked it! Right on up through the second transformation scene, as a matter of fact. Only after that was I disappointed: First, by a lack of any explanation, even a supernatural one, for the climactic event (as in, "Who were they, really?"); second, by the final paragraph, which lurches inappropraitely back to the "YA" mode, and dumps a moral in our collective laps, no less! Coby is a great character, and (though my exposure to carny is just as vicarious as anyone else's here) the atmosphere feels authentic. My suggestion to the VC is: take out the supernatural, find another way for Coby to learn his life lesson without hitting us over the head with it, and send it to the YA markets. You'll sell it, I'm sure.
Guevara's Rejection Notice
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Staying Small got close, but, ultimately, did not touch the Monkey. The capital managers that commented upon it praised the evocation of the Carnival/Circus denizens and their surroundings.
Where the problem came was at the ending, when the boy's mother turns into a monster and eats the head clown. Guevara commented to the effect that it left him scratching his head.
H3K commented last and perhaps most helpfully, suggesting an alternative market for this piece:
Five parts coming of age, suitably written for the Young Adult market niche (also a library classification)... and one part H.P. Lovecraft. Or, to characterize it more simplistically, a "Goosebumps (TM)" story which isn't long enough to fill one of their slim, garishly-covered paperbacks. My problem is... I liked it! Right on up through the second transformation scene, as a matter of fact. Only after that was I disappointed: First, by a lack of any explanation, even a supernatural one, for the climactic event (as in, "Who were they, really?"); second, by the final paragraph, which lurches inappropraitely back to the "YA" mode, and dumps a moral in our collective laps, no less! Coby is a great character, and (though my exposure to carny is just as vicarious as anyone else's here) the atmosphere feels authentic. My suggestion to the VC is: take out the supernatural, find another way for Coby to learn his life lesson without hitting us over the head with it, and send it to the YA markets. You'll sell it, I'm sure.
So. Best of luck with it and please submit another piece in the quarters that will follow.
Sincerely, TQR
###
BETWEEN THE NIGHT AND THE DAY PEOPLE
LaFloor
Mon dieu! What an offering we have here. Character, pacing, language, this has it all. It's intriguing and a bit off-center without ever slipping beyond the tickling of the fringes of strange and devolving into unneccessary weirdness. Portus is a man who understands these fringes and sees and understands beyond them, giving him a keen insight and yet also relegating him to be fairly looked over by society at large. I love how this story takes a "person" that we're all familiar with but whom most of us never bother to ascribe a story or life to. They're just sort of *there*, and yet this story does so much more than bring him to life. It opens up an entire new twilightish world into other things most of us never see beyond our periphery, and yet they're clear as crystal to Portus. There are a few very minor typos that could be cleaned up in here, but on the whole I'm deeply impressed by this story and find it still popping into my thoughts days after reading it. -->
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/20 13:34
By: mags
Don't delete this capital yet, Oh Grand Poobah! I'm still waiting for it, and the title alone has me intrigued...Post edited by: mags, at: 2006/02/20 13:35
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/21 19:08
By: tqr
I am a businessman. The capital should be in your in-box by yesterday.
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/22 14:45
By: H3K
Status: Admin
This one bears a special resonance for me (besides the humming in Kokomo, that is)... It has been my fate in times past to work graveyard shifts, and to be one of the first of the day people to stop in a store such as this, on my way home as the sun was rising. Portus is a wonderful character, and this venture is a winner. Send it up!
Re:Between the Night People and the Day People
Date: 2006/02/22 15:10
By: tqr
The Machine has spoken. So let it be done.
###
THE TRAVELLING SCAPEGOAT
Date: 2006/02/21 18:23
By: lafloor
This story is weird. I like it! It starts off in a way to remind me of an old-fashioned fairy tale, or even morality play, but it changes from that into...something different. My one hesitance is that the ending seems a bit too drawn out. In fact, there's plenty of bright (and gritty) detail throughout, but at times it seemed like maybe just a touch too much, where it was slowing the pace unneccessarily. Perhaps some pruning all through, and especially at the end, where I think we're caught just a bit too long inside the decision-making process. But overall, The Scapegoat had my attention and the unexpected twists with the boy were -- unexpected.
Re:The Travelling Scapegoat
Date: 2006/02/22 01:50
By: H3K
Whereas I anticipated the very ending that was delivered... not in detail, mind you, but enough to not be surprised. Perhaps it was the continual use of the word "kid", with its secondary meaning. (Though I suspect kid for "young person" is derived from kid for "young goat".) All in all, I enjoyed reading this. It is, you say, a fable, and is told in the right sort of language for such. It could do with a bit of cutting, but not to a large extent. If the Executive Suite is up for such a task, I recommend sending this to them.
###
SNOWFLIES AND SAVAGES
"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/25 03:37
By: H3K
Submitted for our approval... a Twilight-Zonish tale of an isolated mountain town in Colorado, full of half-realized, self-centered characters who, when confronted with what should be a staggering emotional crisis, come to pieces in unexpected ways. It is unfortunate that we do not see any of them before the crisis. Then we might be able to better assess their self-deconstruction, as it were. It is also unfortunate that the VC's virtual camera pulls away from the resolution of the crisis too soon to witness the restoration of the characters' "normal" selves (assuming thay have any) from the depths of their divers regressions. In short, not one of them has enough solidity to carry this odd jaunt through the Twilight Zone to a satisfying conclusion. We may well shake our heads at their shallowness, but we may also wonder if, in his effort to make that shallowness his point, the VC may have neglected to make any of them more than charicatures.
Re:"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/27 18:52
By: mags
Posts: 14
I'm with you Hal. The premise is a good one, particularly when our witness of a possible tragedy may be distorted through the lens of a voyeuristic vidcam. What we get in this capital is a kind of Lord of the Flies with the adults taking the place of the marooned boys. We get the same polarization of "good" vs "evil", the same religious fervour... we even get a sacrificed pig! BUT... this piece is too long for my taste and, paradoxically, it ends far too suddenly. We never get to see what was on that film or how it was edited. We never find out what happened to the kids or how they survived. We never get to witness the individual parental/child relationships that, presumably, form the bases of the post-tragedy responses. I'm not saying that all capital needs to wind up with all the loose ends resolved (how boring would that be?!), but in this case the denouement, or lack of it, was not enough for me.
Re:"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/27 23:14
By: guevara
I found myself longing for a central character to focus upon, or a central theme or plot point, even. And I could not. As with all Terminaled caps, the writing is competent enough, true, but the venture as a whole is more of an outline or a treatment for some more intensive work. Its narrative drift left me wandering and disengaged. I had to re-read the scene where they discover Stan's hanged body a few times before I caught its drift, and even then I didn't feel for the hanged man one centavo, or really know why I should. Although, the scene where his dead wife talks to him did give me a twinge of sadness and wonder. It is too bad the one character I may have come to know best is killed off so early.
Re:"Snowflies"
Date: 2006/02/28 03:55
By: H3K
Posts: 57
Good call on Lord of the Flies, Mags... I missed the sacrificed pig.
###
DFdT
Date: 2006/02/17 22:36
By: guevara
Status: Admin
English translation: The Joy of Technology, which naturally leads one to think of that other famous title of a longstanding bestseller The Joy of Sex, which is quite obviously the VCs intention in order to make some link twixt how technology is/will soon make the need for male/female intimacy, and actually discourage it by giving the populace an unrealistic expectation of how their partner should look, act and feel. (Which the advertising campaigns of beer and car manufacturers and everything in between already does). Like The Lecturer, this piece uses graphic sex/sexual situations, to try and illustrate some greater underlying truth; unlike The Lecturer the sex is not the sadistic revenge kind, but rather a very scripted and aloof kind that owes its friction to a kind of wank box that molds itself to the man's penis and transmits the various stimulations performed upon it by the human doll scantily clad on the stage before them. The question for me is: Is this cautionary tale not guilty of glorifying the deadening effects of technology upon our libidoes that it is purportedly warning us against? A narrative pot calling the kettle black, so to speak. What with its pages of graphic and plasticine sex acts, it became an exercise in joylessness -- sexual, technological or otherwise.Post edited by: guevara, at: 2006/02/17 22:39 -->
Date: 2006/02/18 21:29
By: mags
Status: Admin
IP: 24.235.143.241
Karma: 3
Admin
Posts: 14
My, my, my, my, MY! Isn't this a hot little piece of capital? I had to loosen a button or two before I finally came to the climax. GOD, it's so hard to avoid puns. Damn, I did it again! OK, down to nitty gritty stuff... The idea of leaving the familiar to places more foreign and strange plays a big role in this piece of capital, but I had difficulty assertaining the characters' nationalities. For example, the contractions used to imply accents('er and 'ave) were not supported by more realistic use of the vernacular. I liked Dennis and his parents and thought they were effectively drawn. The relationships there felt real and warm and necessarily complex. I felt that some of the descriptive passages, particularly related to the travel scenes, could have been trimmed back a wee bit. The sex show was marvelously drawn, very aloof, tense and sexy/cold at the same time. I thought the technology to be believable and I was intrigued by the idea of technology enabling intimacy through distance. What a sad paradox! What I didn't buy, though, was Dennis' radical and immediate change from good kid to sexual predator. Could one sex show, albeit a life-altering one, really change him so dramatically? Perhaps the VC should either lay down some clues about his dual nature at the beginning, or make him a little less cruel at the end. Verdict: a unique, sexy and nicely tempoed piece of capital that, with a bit of tweaking and pruning, could be quite good. MagzPost edited by: mags, at: 2006/02/18 21:33 -->
Date: 2006/02/22 00:36
By: H3K
Status: Admin
IP: 71.96.107.31
Karma: 4 Posts: 57
I know whereof you speak, Mags... but all the verbiage was a warmup to the denouement between Dennis and the red-haired Helen. Quite simply, the premise is that feminists are correct: pornography spoils men's desire for real women -- and the final paragraph intimates further insidious manipulation of the male psyche along the same line. That being said... this venture is much longer than it needs to be. Out of 12,000 words, I believe the story could be told equally well using only 8000 to 9000. I discovered myself scrolling through entire pages, and yet I didn't miss the point at the end (so to speak). I also concur regarding the attempts at "accent", which could be dropped entirely. Notes to VC: (1) Words and phrases in a foreign language should be italicized; (2) German uses commas in much the same way English does, thus: Vielen Dank, Inga. In its favor -- I enjoyed how this venture harkened back 80 years to the Berlin of Cabaret. Also, much of the football madness... which, I find, nearly identical to the frenzy surrounding what Americans mistakenly call "football". -->
Date: 2006/02/23 16:24
By: architext
Status: Admin
Speaking as an authority on everything: not all feminists are anti-porn. -->
Date: 2006/02/23 17:07
By: tqr
Status: Admin
IP: 216.85.20.2
Karma: -1999996
Admin
Posts: 347
The Holy Trinity of Feminism: Bella Abzug, Gloria Steinam and Seka
TQR's REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr VC,
I regret to inform you DFdT did not make it to the next level of vetting at TQR. Two of the Terminal cap managers thought it could use some cutting and still tell the same tale. The bigger issue was the transformation of the protagonist from shy adolsecent to crass chauvinist pig because of his experiencing that one prap show. The prap show was exceedingly well drawn and at once tittilated and numbed the participant/reader. But it, in most of our opinions, did not justify the total conversion of the protagonist at the end. I hope this explanation of our rejection of DFdT does not turn you off to the extent that you will no longer submit your work to TQR. Seeing as how it made it to the second round of vetting, there is no reason to think that you can not make it further in the quarters to come.
Sincerely, TQR
###
HOME
Date: 2006/02/25 02:29 By: H3K
As last quarter seemed to be our time for SF, so this quarter appears to be our time for fables and fabulists. This offering bears within it more than a mere nod to Poe (watch for a bust of Pallas). It also tends to wander, rather in keeping with the memories of the old man who narrates it (in first person). It is, in fact, not so much a story as a lovingly-crafted character sketch.
However, I would not dare to suggest elision or change... such might spoil the effect. Doomey was uncharacteristically enthusiastic about sending this particular venture proposal up to me... and I can see why. Its language and tone -- its voice -- is nothing short of lyrical, in a gloomy way. If it were to be illustrated, I'd suggest Edward Gorey.
Doomey offered a piece of advice, which I echo: read it at least twice before commenting. As for me, I say it should rise.
Re:"Home"
Date: 2006/02/27 18:00 By: gaybrat
I feel in love with this VC's mastery of language. The word H3K used, "lyrical," is one hundred percent correct. The tone and language is very old school, which I feel fits this capital perfectly. It left me with a feeling of sadness, which means that the piece actually moved me, which is what all capital should aim to do. I am very enthusiastic about this piece.
Re:"Home"
Date: 2006/02/27 19:13 By: mags
Send it up, Sirs!!! This was a beautifully crafted piece of capital. I know that the purists out there will say that not much happens, plot-wise, but what ever really happens in a typical Alice Munro story? Its value lies in the VC's perfect rendering of moments and the artfulness with which he links those moments together.
I loved, loved LOVED the main character and his fanciful interludes. I loved the gorgeous prose (shades of Poe indeed!), I loved the shifts between yesterday, today, and tomorrow, between reality and fantasy.
Send it up, I say.
Mags
Re:"Home"
Date: 2006/02/27 20:11 By: tqr
Looks like we've got a live one here!
I am going to put a Send It the &$#@ UP tag on this discussion, but will keep this particular thread live so that the author may admire the reflected splendor of his own device. Or something thereabouts.
SEND IT THE &$#@ UP
###
GOLAS IS DEAD
Golas is Dead
Date: 2006/02/28 07:02 By: architext
One thing I’ve noticed about TQR is that the submissions are unpredictable. I used to read at a literary magazine where every story fell into the “literary” genre, always about Real People doing Real Things, and they were all Really Dull. So as I embark on my second review at TQR I’m pleased to say that I can continue reading without becoming immediately jaded by the fear that each new work will be fundamentally identical.
Golas is Dead is very specifically tied to the crime/thriller/mafia genre. Let me say up front I appreciate genre mostly when it deviates from established convention. The reason I start with these preludes, is that in this particular piece, something very unusual happens right off the bat. In the opening page we discover that the enemies, a quasi-religious quasi-mafia organization are named the Gandalfinis.
I, the Architext, grew up on the underside of a barnacle on a transport vessel which frequented mostly the murky waters south of Marseilles. But I can’t claim I don’t know that there is a show called the Sopranos, in which the lead is played by James Gandolfini (with an “o”). Nor could I claim ignorance of wise Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. It struck me as very audacious– unless the author lives under an even smaller barnacle than the one I grew up under– to use this particular name (or combination of names) for the mafia/cult organization. What I expected was a genre-transgressing work involving meta-televisual shenanigans: characters popping out of televisions and legions of slavish followers dressing up like Silvo Dante – that sort of thing. I would have nominated this story for a Nobel Prize if the evil cult had been the E Street Band.
Alas, Golas is Dead failed to dance the postmodern rhumba, and without that potential avenue of weirdness, the story didn’t have a lot of surprises. The heroine alternates between self-confidence and fright even though everything pretty much goes exactly according to plan. Her plans are pretty inventive, providing the only real window upon her inner workings.
The story in a nutshell: boy (Golas) heroically risks life for girl because he works for “the agency.” He gets captured a few lines later by the Gandalfini leader, who has a remarkable patience for anagrams and has made just about every possible reorganization of the letters in GOLAS IS DEAD for the heroine’s answering machine. She goes to rescue Golas by hanging a rug with “Keep Golas Alive” on it from a highway overpass in New Jersey. She then rents two adjacent hotel rooms and captures a vaguely sympathetic hit-man, the story’s most interesting character, who takes her to the Gandalfini headquarters. The friendly hit man actively helps her dispense of one guard, and they get to the scene of the ritual execution. There the heroine inadvertently uses the friendly hit man as a human shield, but manages to kill three more guards, and then she and Golas blow away the leader of the organization. The end, and, as a final fuck you to the Gandalfinis: Golas isn't dead.
Well, it’s kind of far-fetched, but I think that’s actually it’s strength. Increasing the far-fetchedness of the whole thing to a more insane degree might further improve it. Another strength is that it has no burdensome backstory to explain what the hell is going on– such a story would only interfere with the action.
The grammatical details are good– no real language problems here. Some of the lines show a lot of character (i.e. “Golas blew a pathetic little bubble with his nicotine gum,” although I don’t know who’s making that judgment).
Some aspects rather annoyed me, frankly, nitpicky though they may be: e.g. the “affluent, Lloyd Wrightian slab of spotless white” (you’re thinking of Le Corbusier, not Frank Lloyd Wright – I care because I hate Le Corbusier and love Wright, and there’s a huge difference). I did like “narrow Chemlawn yard.”
It’s also gotta be evident to almost any reader that the anagram is going to spell “Golas is Dead” since that’s the title of the story. The three pages it takes the heroine to figure this out are trying to a reader’s patience.
The two weakest points, though, are the main characters– for whom it is difficult to care. I think we can forgive the plot’s unlikeliness, if we like the characters enough. But we’re given only superficial details about the protagonists, and their actions take the standard “action” route. They magically become superheroes who can march in and defeat organized mafia cultists. We don’t even know what Wen does for a living, but behaviorally, she doesn’t come across as Rambo or Einstein, so something here is amiss. As for my other advice (about making the story more insane, etc.) you can take it or leave it, but giving the characters a soul is important.
Plus one point for having the chutzpah to whack the human shield without remorse. But I think we’re a long way from the Monkey on this one.
Re:Golas is Dead
Date: 2006/03/04 06:58 By: guevara
Certainly, the decoding of the anagrams (especially since the title of the piece is no-brainer tip off) takes much too much space and time. A woman of Wen's apparent facility with a weapon has got to be quicker on the pickup, if just to alleviate the boredom of what the half-awake reader (again, thanks to the venture's title) must already know.
I am a soft touch for hard-boiled dialogue and turns of phrase, of which this piece has no shortage.
The spectacle stirred equal portions of fascination, horror, and pity in her psyche's decanter. She considered going back and shooting him between the eyes, but fear compelled her on and she was soon speeding away.
This kind of writing, I like.
However, I must acquiesce to the wisdom of the Architext, and how the piece needs more outlandish plot turns to do justice to the myriad pop culture connotations conjured by the name of the mafia cult in question here, the Gandalfinis.
Sure, there are subtle references to the Lord of the Rings -- the hit man Sam's references to 'the gaffer'; the other hit man Theo's dialogue "Hello Precious"; the GANDALFinis; etc -- and probably to the Sopranos as well although I am not a fan of that particular program, and so cannot pick out the references. But all the references in the world will not a monkey toucher make if they do not enrich the work they are a part of in some intrinsic manner rather than coming across as a kind of name dropping for its own sake.
Again, the potential is here for a fine capital venture, but the author has not let his wild horses run free, holding them in check with a tight rein and an untrusting whip hand.
To this, I must respectfully cry, "Undale!"
TQR's Rejection Notice
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Golas is Dead did not make it out of the Terminal. I have read your gmail response to the Architext's original post concerning your work, and so will not spend any time justifying what he said, except to reiterate the fact that the plot does not have too many surprises. Don't get me wrong, it is a very entertaining work, full of some very cagey, hardboiled dialogue. The comment by guevara about the LotR references seeming gratuitous and unimportant to the plot or tone is also one reason why Golas is Dead did not quite Touch the Monkey. Please do not take this rejection as a disavowal of your talent because I would very much like to see your byline gracing a venture or three in the quarters to come.
Sincerely, TQR
###
Capital discussions for this piece have been deleted due to outside concerns.
###
THE STORY MINER IN THE MONKEY CAGE
The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 17:13 By: architext
And so it has happened: a story has drifted from TQR's inbox, gliding through the air currents of the ventilation shaft into my undisclosed, subterranean lair. This is my first review here, although I am the real creator of all this mayhem. What is it about the Monkey Cage that makes it so... captivating? [PUN INTENDED! - The Architext is a silly man.]
This entry from The Netherlands merges modern-day advertising copy with the brief tale (not tail) of Charley the scrap-collector's journey into monkeyhood. There's a touch of Starship Troopers/Robocop parody in the advertising part (and those movies were also directed by a Dutch national, Paul Verhoeven-- coincidence? Or is it a movement?). But this isn't a Verhoeven-style parody, it's more a merger of Borgesian non-story speculation (e.g. the Library of Babel) and Chekhovian character-based storytelling (in the end we are suddenly privy to Charley's simian dreams). But this mixture is not a homogenous one: rather, the story alternates between one form and the other, along the lines, perhaps, of a Vonnegut tale (e.g. Breakfast of Champions) or the same author's stories-within-a-story by Kilgore Trout. Of course, that's all "literary" stuff, and we may be better served by looking back to 50s/60s sci-fi which was far more mind-altering than anything on the shelves today. But I'm no expert in that department, having limited my perusal to the Asimovs, Heinleins, and rare others-- so let's move on.
I bring up Borges' Library of Babel because it should be noted that there's a central premise about having an infinite quantity of text in both stories. The librarians in the Borges tale search for meaning and rarely find it, because the Library includes all possible texts (and for every meaningful texts there is a direct refutation of it's principles in another meaningful text, somewhere). That's very analogous to Charley's situation here *except* that in our cosmic monkeyworld it's already pretty much assumed that the monkeys will never write anything coherent, so the overlords/Charley intervene to produce their own meaning. SO, while Borges' story is really about the futility of all writing, this one is about who gets to control meaning. (Shades of an ape Orwell!)
Now that we've looked at the historical antecedents, and wasted everyone's time, let me say I generally appreciate a speculative-style story more than an emotionally oriented one, and this one does deliver on that personal need with only the barest slap of emotion in the end. This one is a case, though, where the cleverness of the premise is actually doing a disservice to the story's potential. The story opens with a discussion of the solar system which in retrospect seemed overblown and not entirely necessary, and could have been trimmed or cut. (It's actually a stronger opening even if you just cut the product slogans-- "we pay peanuts", etc. Trust the uniqueness of the premise more than the jokes.)
There is always a question of where to start in a story like this: action or exposition. The answer, in this day and age, like it or not, is with the action, not the description. In this case, we don't get to the story element until several pages into the text. I think a less jarring transition between the story's facets might make for a better read. The author needs to find a way to cram all that information about the ape-world into the tale instead of alternating between the two poles. Should be noted: the "oracular monks of the Monkey Cult" are described very efficiently, and when we are privy to their office debates, we know them right away. Can't this be true for the whole system? Yes, it means reducing the quantity of cleverness, but it also sharpens the blade on the cleverness that remains... In fact, the author should try a draft with NONE of the exposition, and see how coherent it is, then selectively add back information as necessary.
The most satirical element here: when it becomes clear to the masters that Charley's faking his material, they don't really bat an eyelash; although they punish him demonstrably, it's also obvious they have no real faith in the system they control, and are only using it to smoke cigars and eat beluga (or whatever). A society built on meaninglessness is not too far removed from a society built on advertising-- and the target in the sights here is a modern-day mixture of advertising, religion, and plutocracy.
So the revision question-- and I do think this story needs a little more time in the mixer-- is whether the satire is better served by a more direct integration of the now alternating "intellectual" and "action" elements. I believe it would be. As testament: there is no denying an emotional resonance in the final section, even though we know only a few meager details about Charley. The final section's pitiable sense of loss, helplessness, and imprisonment, is more powerful than all the cleverness in the intellectual bits put together. Without sacrificing the absurdity of the whole premise, I think this story could be forged into a gem.
A final potshot before I go: I think a few lines could also use some closer editing. There was something distinctively off about the voice, which I would have attributed to English-as-a-Second-Language if I hadn't been to the Netherlands, and taught English in America, both of which make clear that Dutch people speak English a hell of a lot better than anyone on this side of the pond. (Of course, the author is not necessarily Dutch.) In any case, some of the sentences had an awkward rhythm and could have used a little more poetic touch. NOT the last sentence, though, which is, I think, flawless.
One last thing, what's with all the monkeys these days? Did my Gibraltar monkey photo start a whole movement??
I will close with a link to the greatest porn-star name of all time: Hieronymus Cock, a Flemish artist of the 16th century. Yes, that was purely gratuitous.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 19:52 By: tqr
Splendid post, your eminence. But does it play in Peoria (or, for our purpose, does The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage touch the Monkey)? Shall we engage the author in a round of revision based upon your detailed analysis? Regardless, your splendid report upon't has whet my appetite for this venture!
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 23:09 By: architext
I'd say that's exactly what to do -- elicit the author's agreement to a few revisions and thence make our final decision. I suppose it is never wise to say "we'll definitely publish it if you revise it" since such revisions may lead to lazy results. So I'd say we request a resubmission down the line and take a pass until a new draft comes.
Did anybody else read it? I think someone else's opinions are definitely required here!
Post edited by: architext, at: 2006/02/23 23:10
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/23 23:23 By: tqr
Yes. Another opinion. Your grace, that is the status quo modus operandi quid pro quo SOP around here anyway. So, although you are not 'up' on them altogether, your instincts are good.
Which insolent Terminali shall cross swords with the Architext?!
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/24 05:18 By: H3K
"'Repent, Harlequin!' cried the Ticktockman"
One of Harlan Ellison's best-known stories by readers outside SF genre fandom ... So much so that it was ubiquitous in the mid-to-late '70s among the extremely limited (but well-known to me) crowd of people who read others' work aloud to an audience, in an intercollegiate competition called "Oral Interpretation of Literature".
I am reminded, in a sideways wort of way, of that story by reading this one.
Yes, there is some awkward phrasing thinly scattered throughout this piece. Yes, perhaps a closer look at the sections that intersperse meta-comment between bits of narration is in order. Nevertheless... if you can find someone available to do the scut work with the VC, this capital has the potential of rising all the way up.
And, by definition, it Touches the Monkey... how could it not?
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/26 19:38 By: architext Procedurally speaking I'd give it a thumbs-up if it took a vigorous edit to speed up some of the slow parts, and de-clunked a few of the sentences-- do we have a volunteer?
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/27 16:59 By: tqr
Send me some notes on it and I'll get with the VC. Meanwhile, let's send it up to the Execuitve Suite.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/27 19:02 By: magsAhem. Sorry to disrupt the love-in, gentlemen, but I have some reservations about this piece of capital.
The first section completely overwhelmed me because it was far too LOADED with sci-fi lingo, futuristic techno stuff and wild impossible-to-visualize descriptions. I had no context in which I could absorb it all. I reread that first section about four times before I conceded and moved on. The second section, still an advert, was not quite so jarring. I believe that the VC should start out with a bit about Charley and what he does BEFORE it throws us into the satirical ad campaign. Then that first section makes much more sense to a non-sci-fi reader like myself. Failing that, how about reversing the order of the first two sections?
Now, having said that, after that first section, I "got" it. It's irreverent, satirical and a bit scary. Charley is a likeable character and quite comic-tragic in the end.
Mags
Post edited by: mags, at: 2006/02/27 19:05
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/27 19:13 By: tqr
Very good points, Mags. Hopefully, the VC is amenable to a bit of revision or paragraph switcheroo'ing in order to make this venture sing. I will look into it.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 04:37 By: H3K
Perhaps both Archi and I have read John Brunner's seminal work from 1968, Stand on Zanzibar, which (to my knowledge) was the first major SF work to intersperse bites of pop-culture, from the future time in question, with the narrative.
In other words, Mags, you are again correct. Those coming to this capital from outside its genre niche may not be accustomed to the manner in which it is presented.
Post edited by: H3K, at: 2006/02/28 04:39
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 05:24 By: tqr
For Mags (and the rest of the Terminali)'s information, here is the text of the gmail I have sent to Mssr Hagelslag.
Dear Mr. Hagelslag,
The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage has drawn rave reviews from H3K and grudging admiration from the Architext. I have not yet read the piece myself, but was wondering if this bit of criticism from Maggie Murdock (you can reference all the discussion concerning your work by clicking on the site menu item 'Free Market' then going into 'The Terminal') has any validity for you.
Ahem. Sorry to disrupt the love-in, gentlemen, but I have some reservations about this piece of capital.
The first section completely overwhelmed me because it was far too LOADED with sci-fi lingo, futuristic techno stuff and wild impossible-to-visualize descriptions. I had no context in which I could absorb it all. I reread that first section about four times before I conceded and moved on. The second section, still an advert, was not quite so jarring. I believe that the VC should start out with a bit about Charley and what he does BEFORE it throws us into the satirical ad campaign. Then that first section makes much more sense to a non-sci-fi reader like myself. Failing that, how about reversing the order of the first two sections?
Now, having said that, after that first section, I "got" it. It's irreverent, satirical and a bit scary. Charley is a likeable character and quite comic-tragic in the end.
The piece will likely go onto the next level of vetting regardless, but I was just wondering if her concerns may have an easy fix which you could institute by changing a paragraph here or there. It is by no means a mandate that you must change the story to accommodate Ms Murdock's concerns, I just thought that maybe her concerns would set off one of those lightbulbs in a cartoon balloon above your head. If not, I apologize for my effrontery. The piece sounds very good 'as is.'
Sincerely, TQR
Hopefully, something positive will come of it.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 05:42 By: architext
I probably re-read the opening four times too, but for slightly different reasons-- not a problem of visualization so much as a problem of orienting myself into an inherently disorienting story. Actually, disorientation is in my opinion a good thing, and I doubt I could have written the original tome about the Story Miner story if I hadn't found it to be provocative.
Let me rephrase that positively: in retrospect, for all my niggling above, this story has value in its message, and it is artistically interesting. My apprehensions are solely based on a hypothetical reader's point of view: it has an interesting message, and is interestingly told. But the interesting telling is a different sort of interestingness than the interestingness of the message. I'm afraid the "telling" is interfering with the artist's own aims. If that is all just overwhelmingly abstract, refer to my comments above. I'm still in favor of trimming the "clever" future-pop-culture ad-gags, thus highlighting the story story, which is genuinely unique.
One other thing (and I'll put it more simply): it's also top-heavy, that is, it takes an awfully long time to get to "the beginning" (of the action narrative), while the ending happens rather quickly. My aesthetic standpoint here is solely a matter of taste but I think most readers would agree that there's some value in balancing one's acts. Set up the tension early (Charley's relationship with the bosses), and have the resolution be fulfilling, like Hieronymus Cock.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 05:47 By: architext Sidenote to H3K: didn't read that one (the Zanzibar one), but I did used to read a lot of MAD Magazine...
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/02/28 17:10 By: mags
You are such a statesman, Teddy.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/02 03:05 By: tqr
I have received a reply from Mr Hagelslag which is quite diplomatic and yet adamant about his piece's raison d'etre. With his permission, I plan to paste it here and let the discussion begin anew from there.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/02 15:39 By: architext
Do tell, Mssr. Hagelslag!
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/03 15:17 By: tqr
Here is Mr Hagelslag's defense:
Dear Mr. Rorschalk,
I wasn't aware that my story was under discussion until I received your gmail! Quite mistakingly, I assumed that I would be notified. Sorry about that!
Also, when I checked the TQR website today, I was completely baffled by the amount of discussion the story is generating. Incredible!
I work for an offhsore company in the Black Sea, and this means that I am away from home (and from internet access) for a week, or longer. Then I'm working offshore. Also, internet access is slow, with my very old laptop and dial-up connection, and also a bit erratic in this part of the world. So I was caught quite unaware by this deluge!
Therefore, Mr. Rorschalk, I am downloading all comments (which are quite a lot), and taking them in. Please give me some time to absorb them all, and then I will try my damnedest to reply to them, or at least try to explain what I had in mind with this story.
As to Maggie Murdock's comments in your email: well, this story is *very* unashamedly SF. The opening section is *meant* to overwhelm, to bombard the unsuspecting reader with eyeball kicks and advertising lingo, evoking both a sense of wonder and a sense of dread (or a mixture thereof). It is supposed to hit the ground running, speed up, and drag the reader along in its slipstream.
A bit in the way that giants of the field like Alfred Bester, Harlan Ellison, Robert Sheckley and R.A. Lafferty used to open their most powerful short stories: hitting you like a tornado, lifting you off your feet. (Not that I'm in any way in their class: far from it. But I can try, right?)
Also, the first section isn't really meant to have much deeper meaning: it's meant to set the tone, and draw a new reader -- especially a young one who is *used* to sensory overload through advertising -- into the story. The first part is mostly meant to enjoy the (roller coaster) ride, sweeping the unsuspecting reader along to the later parts, where meaning (hopefully) *does* come into play, and where the pace is let up.
I'll gladly admit that the first section is very much overblown -- exactly like your average advertisment for a new car, or the trailer of a new James Bond movie (the difference between the two is minimal) -- mimicking and thus satirising its source material.
I can understand that people with a literature background will find this too much. Certainly. But this is not aimed at them: it's unashamedly SF. SF and proud of it, the same way that people like Bester, Ellison, Sheckley and Lafferty were proud of it. I can't please all of the people all of the time, and I'm also just a beginning writer. So I first do what I know best, and write SF for SF fans (like myself).
Hopefully, when I get better, I might write a science fiction story that is also pleasing for literature readers like Maggie Murdock. But this is not that story.
Of course, if you insist, I could start the story with Charley. And I am surely open to rewrite suggestion and anything else you and your people have to say. But I just think that opening in a more easy-going manner will simply kill the momentum and pace of this story. It's meant to be dazzling, vibrant, energetic, vigorous. It's probably quite rough around the edges, but that same roughness also gives it its youthful vigour (I hope).
I'll happily work on polishing the story up: it's mostly first draft written in a haze of madness anyway. Images from the crazy brain written down in a word document with almost no filter in between. And therefore I think that starting slowly may very kill this story's sensibility.
Please do keep in mind that I will gladly work on this story, and see of we can improve it. I'll think about changing the beginning, although my gut feeling remains that taking the kick-start out of this piece might very well destroy it's very soul.
Now I will start reading all the comments, and will get back to you about them. But please keep in mind that I am very happy to have passed the first level (was that the floor?), and that I will read all comments with an open mind.
Best,
Peter
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/03 16:32 By: architext
The cat's got claws. I'm happy to see an energetic writer, and/or a writer who grasps the importance of an energetic story. Lookin' forward to wrestling with this one.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/06 04:53 By: H3K
architext wrote:
Sidenote to H3K: didn't read that one (the Zanzibar one), but I did used to read a lot of MAD Magazine...
The Hugo it won in its eligibility year should be recommendation enough... but it was seminal. (Also: Brunner's best novel of the four or five I've read, though I retain a lot of respect for The Sheep Look Up, as well)
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/06 20:24 By: tqr
It appears the verdict on this particular piece is a thumbs up, regardless of the reservations voiced by Mags and Archi. If either of these esteemed colleagues of mine would like to volunteer to work with the VC on improving The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage, I am open to this (as is Mr. Hagelslap, judging from his gmail) and welcome it. If, however, they are not, I am of the mind to send this piece up to the Executive Suite.
Speak now or hold your peace (piece?). This thread will not stay up very much longer if nobody is willing to undertake the action I have just proposed.
Re:The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage
Date: 2006/03/09 20:36 By: tqr
So, this thread has pretty much run its course. Let's stop the hand wringing and send it up. I'll make sure Rokky is aware of the re-write requests, and we'll see what he makes of them.
###
MULTIPLE PAGES ON A MONDAY MORNING, FROM THE SCRAPBOOK OF INFINITE POSSIBILITIES
Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the ...
Date: 2006/03/03 19:38 By: guevara
...Scrapbook of Infinite Possibilities.
Ay caramba! Now that is a title!
It is so long that it would not fit into the headline application thingie. So, here it is, take a deep breath and:
Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the Scrapbook of Infinite Possibilities
OK. Enough on the excessive length of the title. It is excessive, but the title is not the capital venture itself now, is it?
The venture itself is concerned with reminiscences and past regrets. The device for revisiting pivotal moments for the protagonist, one Reggie Whytsel(wistful?), is his high school scrapbook. The metaphor leaned heavily upon to convey his 'infinite possiblities' is the option play, which he engineered as the quarterback of his high school football team way back when.
Reggie is a likable enough fellow, middle-aged, paunchy, trying to understand his adolescent, star-quarterback son. The opening paragraph creates a wistful, poignant emotional base we all can relate to, and sets up the conceit with the old yearbook and the spooling out of alternate futures brought about by alternate decisions made by Reggie at pivotal moments in his past.
One future holds a happy marriage without children, another a failed marriage with a son. There's a fatal mugging in New York in the mix, as well as a major falling out with his son that estranges them forever. There's some nice action with a young Reggie running down the line of scrimmage, split second planning when/if to pitch the ball to the halfback and/or turn it up field and run.
It all comes down to one game, an attitude of duty or of fun, and the willingness to take the pain.
It gets fairly complex, but a lot of the turning points felt cliche and undeserved. The falling out with his son that leads to their estrangement didn't seem at all to me to warrant such a radical reaction, thus it seemed undeserved to me. The fatal mugging in New York ... are muggings fatal very often? Doesn't seem so, and though it's true most probably happen there, it's still stilted to have it in New York.
I give the VC credit for having a happy ending. I like happy endings because these days they have gone so out of vogue. But the whole spinning out of alternate realities that come before it become overly repetitive and almost too familiar.
Perhaps I am jaded.
Re:Multiple Pages on a Monday Morning, from the ...
Date: 2006/03/07 16:32 By: lafloor
I must say I was drawn to the character of Reggie. Very much an "everyman" kind of guy. He's not bad, not outstanding, but the small little choices had huge (different) impacts on his life here. What struck me is that he seemed sort of ill-fated no matter WHAT he chose. He played hard -- he got fucked. He played for fun -- he got fucked. So there was a bit of cruel fate lurking for him no matter what he did. So that sort of undermined the "free will" aspect of the story. What does it matter how we can build our own fates if either choice leads to heartbreak, you know? Thing is, I'm sure that's not the intent of the writer here. And, that is rectified by the ending, which I greatly enjoyed, because I can appreciate a happy ending. Again though, it wasn't really by Reggie's "choices" that he ended up with his happy ending, but sort of more like as a by-product of his long years of suffering.
Some believe in (the corrupted, Amercanized version of) karma. I do not. I do believe in free will. However, this story seems to be about free will, and yet it undermines that at specific parts. That's irony, and I like and believe in irony.
Overall, it's *extremely* well written, and I was completely engaged throughout. Definitely capital of the highest caliber. i wouldn't rec any changes, either. But, alas, it just didn't touch the monkey for me.
###
TQR'S REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr [VC],
Owing to the fact no other comments had been tendered concerning your piece in the Terminal, I have decided to stick a fork in it and call it 'done.' I regret to inform you it did not impress the managers enough to warrant further vetting. It was acknowledged to be well written and uniquely structured, but ultimately not quite able to make it over the wall. I hope some of the comments made there were helpful in understanding the reasons for this rejection. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
###
IN THE BLACK
In the Black
Date: 2006/03/09 04:50 By: H3K
First, let me say once again how enthused I am about reading so many SF-type capital ventures for possible acceptance.
Second, this one is obviously extracted from something quite a bit longer. As such, it suffers from being incomplete as a stand-alone.
Third, the VC appears to have invested a lot of time in world-building -- always admirable. And she presents it in the proper way: not in tedious "info-dump" (as it has been phrased elsewhere), but gradually, as an integral part of the background. This may be only a matter of personal preference, but I rather enjoy writing more when it challenges me to learn its background from context -- thus, I endeavor to write that way as well. However... because this venture cannot stand alone, the reader's learning curve is interrupted, leaving too many unfilled gaps in comprehension.
I wish to encourage the VC to continue this work, as I believe she may have important things to say through its medium... and I wish her success in submitting it for review to a more appropriate venue -- which may well be TQR, since our word limit is 12,000.
Re:In the Black
Date: 2006/03/10 03:32 By: lafloor
Hal! Bonjour!
How I have missed you, Hal! Like taking a hard hit against the boards, our verbal spars were enough to make me grind what's left of my teeth and revel in the brutal glory.
I cam back here, Hal, hoping to steal the puck and skate to victory (again) over you.
It is with deepest regret and utmost pain I have to utter these words:
I agree with you, Hal.
This is a an excellent piece. Well written, edgy characters, and a world that comes together piece by piece. I was riveted and intrigued.
But, ultimately, I too felt it was part of a longer piece, or that it could use more expansion. Sci-Fi with erotica, that's all good. Not to mention a pique-ing plot. (Pique-ing -- is that a word? I think not. But I'm an ESL remember, so accept the sentiment.)
Re:In the Black
Date: 2006/03/10 04:57 By: H3K
Ah, M'sieu LaFloor -- good to see you, too... and to be reminded that the only thing better than a worthy opponent is a worthy teammate. I would not sneer at the chance to provide an assist to any goal you scored.
Yet, have no fear: I'm certain we will find other capital upon which to heartily disagree!
Re:In the Black
Date: 2006/03/10 15:46 By: tqr
Send me to the box if you must, but this tender reunion has touched my heart. Je t'aime. Oh, and by the by, a little birdie told me you two's next big dust up may come at the behest of the piece Quick Vahjaii?
###
QUICK VAHJAII: THE LAST INTERVIEW
Quick Vahjaii
Date: 2006/03/11 05:14 By: H3K I believe it's a contradiction in terms for a person to say that they understand Dada. I also believe that one either "gets it," or one doesn't.
I don't get this venture.
It is presented as the transcript of an interview with a notorious artist (about whom I would be extremely surprised to hear that he wasn't initially modeled on Dali). Unfortunately, the most interesting part of it is the 2 1/2 page introduction from whichever publication printed the interview.
I am not one who insists that all works of fiction must have a plot, or a "story arc", or the rest of that jazz. I do, however, expect to be able to divine a reason for a capital venture's existence, some point its originator is trying to make. There are, granted, some offhand comments about the current state of the world, and religion's role in fomenting it... but nothing we haven't heard before (and certainly nothing we haven't agreed with).
Judging from the biographical information at the end of this venture proposal, this VC has met with some success in the past, and I welcome him to take another shot. This one touches no monkeys.
Re:Quick Vahjaii
Date: 2006/03/12 00:00 By: guevara
But you are a machine! How can you even imagine what it is to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? You're bolted to the floor, and I'm not talking the Haunted Disco...
What struck me hard as Castillian steel about this venture is this:
Because all we're ever really doing in life is dodging death, making money and then solving problems. The minute you haven't a problem to solve, you're just making it easier for death to catch up with you.
And it's really easy to create problems. Chase money enough, chase sex enough and you're bound to have loads of problems from enemies trying to kill you to AIDS also trying to kill you. In the end one or the other is going to get you and you die. If I could write it up in a fancy way and publish a book, I know it'll get popular.
Sage words that cut to the bone, the cuticle, the grain of sand wherein abides the universe. Were it that this Prick Vahjaii had more scene to him than sweet sentence! Somewhere in the interview, Slick Vahjaii himself grouses about how if he knew how he'd cobble all his wisdom into a narrative, a story or some kind of novel and make millions with it. Which, I believe is true. But, painful as it is, I must finally bow to H3K's binary logic, bitter as it is, and agree that no monkeys have here been touched. Although it could and should and would have been were even a little bit of the alluded to madness twixt Dick Vahjaii and his Woman were ever allowed to splash its way fully onto the screen.
Re:Quick Vahjaii
Date: 2006/03/12 01:14 By: lafloor
le sigh
Once again, I am deprived. As Hal was once the ice beneath my skates, my bitter, respected foe, it is most unfortunate that this quarter I find myself in unusual agreement with him. Guevara -- you, too. Ay carumba! That, too, is a pain that's deep. We're all skating for the same team on this piece of VC.
While the language itself was at times inspiring and jolting enough to keep me reading, and while I was fixed upon the deepening accusations regarding his wife's death, ultimately, it didn't culminate into enough of a thunder for me. I did like the different "interview" format of this piece, too. I think this is an area where the VC could experiment again.
Until next quarter -- with hopes for better jousting and confrontation, bon amis! For now, I bid you adieu!
TQR's REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Quick Vahjaii: The Last Interview did not make it out of the Terminal at TQR. The capital managers who looked at it agreed there needed to be more of a point to it, and the fact it was not a traditional 'scene' oriented narrative did not help its cause either. This is not to say QV has no redeeming qualities. Guevara enjoyed it very much, but had to grudgingly agree with H3K about there not being enough 'there' there, if you get what I'm saying. I hope to see more of your work in the quarters to come.
Sincerely, TQR
###
DARK ABYSS
guevara
First, this piece begs for a more accurate (inaccurate?) title. Dark Abyss, well, it's so pedestrian, and its connotations so general and patently boring. Nor does this vanilla title prepare you for the bizarro reality you are about to enter upon reading the piece.
It would tax me to no end to list each contradiction and/or reconciliation of opposites that pile up paragraph after paragraph the deeper you go into this venture. And the setting, the event horizon of a black hole, is a perfect metaphor for just such goings on: at the cusp of crossing that line where the laws of physics and gravity and whatall breakdown and become moot.
There is very little to the plot itself: A boy stranded on a space station wishes to reclaim the money stolen from him the day before so he can get off the station before it tumbles into the singularity and oblivion.
This exemplary bit of dialogue strikes with the profound nonsensicality of a koan and reminds me of the nonsequitur seeming but perfect last line of Chinatown, "Forget about it, Jake. It's Chinatown."
"It's Management. Let me give you some advice, friend."
"I'm not your friend."
"All the same. Next time, hide your money where Management can see it."
The beauty of this story is in finding all the painstakingly placed switchbacks and contradictions, and yet, too, there is somehow built-in commiseration with the protagonist, who's decision Not to steal the white chits from lady Grandfather is genuinely fraught with tension.
I must admit this venture is a bit confounding for me because even though it 'feels' right in its nonsense approach, it still doesn't consciously make very much sense. Which may be its strength, strangely enough. It seems a piece
the investors may have or even want to read more than the customary single time in order to glean all the jewels therein.
I am down with it, I think, and my vote is up on this peculiar beast.
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/07 12:23 By: doomey
well, look at me, up in the Terminal and shit. ted lowered a rope through the rafters, a super secret rip in the fabric of reality, a trap door, a Way Up. i am not feeling right about this, the smells alone alienate me (is there a turkey in the oven?), but i've a job to do. so i'll do it. luckily, all the Terminali are out, or perhaps they're asleep under their desks. although i don't see any desks. this be a strange place. steril, white. anywhat, the reason i was yanked up here was to vote on this here piece of capital. so...
sounds good to me, ted, though i haven't examined it in detail. very escheresque, i dig it. i like a simple plot at times, plenty of action, twists and turns. i say send it up to the Exec Suite.
there. i did what was asked of me. i feel dirty. this place gives me the creeps. i am out of here, climbing back down the rope to the haunted disco where i can breathe air untainted by dread and Lysol. to think, i so wanted to crash this palace earlier. tis weird, sister. TTFN
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/07 15:28 By: guevara
Rorschalk!
Who let this common cur in to sully our polished flooring and slaver all over our roast beefs? I will not work under such barbarous conditions! Do you hear me? I demand satisfaction!
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/07 15:30 By: tqr
Calm your Latin blood, there, Skippy. There are other revolutions to engender. I'll have you know I am expert with an epee and am not afraid to use it.
Boligard!
Dive! Dive! Dive!
Now. Both of you ... hit the bricks!
Re:Dark Abyss
Date: 2006/03/11 05:35 By: H3K
Yes, it desperately needs a new title.
Yes, it is very strange, in a way I find enjoyable -- and compelling enough to read twice, though I have yet to do that.
Yes, it should be kicked upstairs... and we should have The Monkey fitted for a spacesuit.
--------
PS: I recommend to the VC, and all other who read this, the works of Michael Swanwick.
###
BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HOT PLACE
Between Iraq and a Hot Place
Date: 2006/03/13 07:00 By: guevara
A wonderful character, this Nick Mammon, who's namesake may be a synonym for the arch devil Beelzebub, according to some scholars of the Middle Ages. Regardless, I like the allusion. And the set up, a game show that makes Jerry Springer look like a saccharin version of the Teletubbies. I found myself laughing out loud (not lolling, you fools, which to me is anomatopia for 'Choking on ones tongue') in quite a few places. The best parts come before the actual game show titled The Hell You Say goes on the air, when Mammon and his androgyne assistant producer are bantering about the scheduling of guests:
"When was the last time you got me a contentious psychopath or a hardcore religious fanatic? Huh? Or even a habitual peeping tom? I can't remember the last time I was able to goad so much as a sincere obsessive-compulsive shopaholic. Let’s face it, Dweezil, you’ve been shooting blanks."
It is good dialogue, no?
However, once the game show is begins, the venture stops working (for me, at least). Seeing as how the title of this particular tale is dominated by the loaded 'Iraq' one would think there would be some topical commentary, characters etc involved in this contentious conflict being mentioned here (Donald Rumsfeld has a leg blown off by an IED and is then forced to attend a butt kicking contest, perhaps?), but there is not, and the proceedings go on with some subplot about a busty blonde network censor busting Mammon's balls, until the finis, where Mammon's show is mercifully cancelled.
The VC gets high marks for characterization and snappy, funny dialogue, but the venture as a whole has failed to touch my monkey due to lack of surprise and/or anything/anybody recognizable with which to justify the loaded connotations in the title itself. This, much like the current month we're in (or is it its antithesis?) comes in like a lion, but goes out like a lamb.
Re:Between Iraq and a Hot Place
Date: 2006/03/14 05:15 By: H3K
I must agree, Señor Guevara. There is much to like about the venture -- the setup, the show's host, and even the angelic censor -- but there's no Big Pay-Off. And the title is merely a long reach for a weak pun, with no relevance to the rest (except that the Big Guy is in Baghdad).
I was serendipitously treated, the other evening, to a "Fresh Air" interview with Sidney Lumet -- a re-broadcast on the occasion of the release, on expanded DVD, of his two seminal films, "Dog Day Afternoon" and "Network". The latter was decades ahead of its time, and remains the best commentary on the long declining spiral of television and the society it reflects. The venture at hand even alludes to it.
As I say, there is much to like within this venture, and with a more "boffo" ending it might do well... but Paddy Chayefsky's seat at the top is safe.
TQR'S REJECTION NOTICE
Dear Mr [VC],
I regret to inform you Between Iraq and a Hot Place did not make it out of the Terminal alive. All capital managers agreed Mammon is a great character surrounded by a good supporting cast, but that what the title promised as a scathing satire of current events did nothing of the sort, so that it did not meet the expectations set up by the loaded title. Their was also agreement that the pre-The Hell You Say part of the piece was more enjoyable than the actual game show itself, thus nullifying almost half the narrative. The fact you were almost 400 words below our minimum word count standards also counted against you, making it necessary that the piece be that much extra special in order to continue up the vetting ladder. I hope this rejection does not discourage you from submitting to us in the quarters to come. We all, for the most part, enjoyed your work and see in it great potential.
Sincerely, TQR
###
A TALE FOR THE HANGED MAN
A Tale for the Hanged Man mags
This VC can write, to state the obvious. I imagine him in endless editing mode, polishing his metaphors and similes until they are as smooth as glass. His expository passages are excrutiatingly detailed and evoke everything he wants in his reader's head, and ONLY want he wants in his reader's head. He leaves nothing to chance, there's no work for the reader at all, in fact. We may as well be watching a film. And if it were a film, I can't help but hear Bogie as the voice-over, because there is something quite pulpy about the scenes he paints and the language he employs. I kept expecting to hear dame or broad or paluka pop up somewhere. Am I off base? Probably.
As poignant as this story is, and although there are some dazzlingly beautiful phrases turned, I'm afraid that in the end I found it to be too weighed down by metaphor and description, and too light on action. I mean, not much happens, does it, but it doesn't happen in a technically beautifully written way. Know what I mean?
I would definitely like to see some more capital from this VC in the future tho. AND if any of the Terminali think I'm full of shit... well I'd love to hear from them too. (just remember who processes your expense cheques tho luvvies).
Mags
Re:A Tale for the Hanged Man
Date: 2006/03/20 00:32 By: H3K
Three days late, and as many megabytes short... nevertheless, I am finally here to comment.
Let no one think I have been swayed by the vieled threat to my expenses, trivial as they may be (though electricity is not free). Nevertheless, I agree with dear Ms. Murdock... except that I was reminded more of Hesse than of Chandler, more of Steppenwolf than The Big Sleep; i.e., dark and full of dreams, but not noir.
I also echo her sentiment regarding something different from this VC -- something with a bit more plot, or an evolution within its protagonist.
###
SUNRISE IN COAT CITY
Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/13 19:28 By: guevara
This VC certainly has a flare for following through on his similes and metaphors. The writing is succinct and poetic, too. How does he do that? Hard work and talent melded together have been proven out in the person of this VC and what I am calling a thoroughly successful capital venture.
Just when I thought to myself "Aye yi yi, this piece is devolving into a maudlin tale of HIV infection" there is a WHAM BAM SLAM down-and-dirty death struggle that is neither stylized or petty but something to keep you riveted and sympathetic to both characters involved. Chandler's Marlowe is evoked and, judging from what I know of Raymond Chandler, not speciously. The dialogue twixt combatants at the terminus of their struggle is heart wrenching and real.
Back at the scene of our protags lost love the reminder of her last invocation is turned on its head. “Come back here when it’s done and show me the same mercy you show him.”What she said seemed at first a plea for a swift death at her once(and future?)-upon-a-time lover's hand. When, in actuality, it was a small voice crying in the desert for a kind of reconcilliation. And out of desolation hope has bloomed, ushering in a kind of rebirth where death only seemed to roost the night before.
If this does not matriculate to the Executive Suite, I will eat my shoe.
Re:Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/15 07:24 By: tqr
Mademoiselle Gabrielle ... Guevara is off ravishing some young buxom capital manager groupie type, the kind Boligard can only fantasize about during his avid bouts of self abuse, you know, the little sluts who hang out wearing bustiers and halters street level on the corner twixt these very Terminal offices and the confounded ubiquity that is Starbucks in every city. So... you have a window of opportunity. I will stand over here with a cudgel in one hand and my saber in t'other as insurance against any unexpected comeuppance. Now, yes ... tis the time and the place to rally round the family with a pocketful of shells!
Re:Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/15 15:45 By: guevara
Senor Rorschalk,
You impugn my reputation at your own peril... I am a married man! How dare you. I seeth with vengeful dreams, but not for the wonderful Gabrielle. It will be an honor to have her 2nd opinion complementing my own concerning this VC's work. But you, you I shall deal with later.
Re:Sunrise in Coat City
Date: 2006/03/20 00:54 By: H3K
I am afraid you will have to settle for me, Señor...
But fear not -- I come to agree with you. This capital deserves to rise.
Interesting that both of the remaining proposals have evoked thoughts of Chandler from its readers -- yet the one that does so unabashedly, by directly stated reference, does so with a conscience and without pretense.
And even I, a machine, was touched by the redemption contained in its ending.
posted by Theodore Q. Rorschalk at
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