TQR Confidential

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Week 4: The Floor, Fall Issue 2010

Week 4. Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/09 08:27 By: tqr Status: Admin
Karma: -1999976

Posts: 2149

The home stretch, you loves.
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/10 08:16 By: doomey Status: Admin
Karma: -1760

Posts: 1482

Home stretch?

[doomey looks around wildly, frantic]

no. say it ain't so. i still need more goodstuff or i'll be sleeping with fishes, man. this is fucked.

[he looks into nothing as if there's a camera recording him and he's looking straight into the lens imploringly]

come on, VCs. send it. you can do it, sisters. what? you want to see old boli wearing cement boots doing the samba at the bottom of the sea? you wanna see me dead? well, maybe some of you do, but please, the rest of you who don't know me from adam sandler, don't know me for the asshole i am, please send goodstuff! rip the world a new one, VCs! blow minds!

[he sits and breathes heavy]

i am fucked.
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/12 09:46 By: tqr Status: Admin
Karma: -1999976

Posts: 2149

[A shadow, like a spider patrolling its web in the dark corner of the room, flits across the far wall. But it is only Rorschalk rapelling down the North Face. He plants both feet on the Floor with a sharp click and releases the ropes from his caribiner as he turns]

Greetings from the top! So...

[He swaggers over to the space twixt Dep and Doomey's desks in his tight fitting Gortex climbing garb, brightly colored just shy of earth tone pastels]

What's shaking? Have we any PCGs on the horizon?
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/14 07:49 By: doomey Status: Admin
Karma: -1760

Posts: 1482

[doomey looks rorschalk over]

nice, ted. digging the tights.

[doomey holds up a silver dollar]

this, ted, is what you've come down here for, me thinks.

[he thumbs the silver dollar up into the air, flipping it edge over edge, and it travels an arc, glinting under the mirrorball, from point A, doomey, to point B, rorschalk. theodore catches the coin, gazes at it]

90% silver, that, ted. 90% silver, 10% copper. that there's a morgan dollar, sister. hard to find. now look...

[theodore brings the silver close, squints at it]

look at the date, ted. 1877. right? now, the funny thing is, the morgan dollar was only minted from 1878 until 1921. so that makes this particular coin some sort of, like, you know, an anomaly, eh? like in one of them star trek episodes, eh?

[theodore lowers the coin, and he stares at doomey blankly. one can only guess that theodore is wondering how long he's going to have to listen to this inane blather, and he might be wondering just how dumb doomey is. but one doesn't want to put thoughts in anybody's head]


[...now does one. especially not theodore rorschalk's head]

as i was saying...

[...seeing as how rorschalk's head must be filled with the strangest of thoughts]

would you fucking stop that.

[...least strange of all being the images of monkeys in dresses serving tea at an outdoor porno convention]

oh fuck this.

[...in the arctic zone. but, anyway, doomey gets up, walks around his cherrywood and grabs the coin from theodore. he stomps over to the tube, flicks the switch, whooosh, blah blah blah, so on and so on]

Don Chance's The Legend of Katie Dollar has heretoward been promoted to the Terminal.
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/14 08:57 By: doomey Status: Admin
Karma: -1760

Posts: 1482

[doomey leans back in his chair squeakily. he shakes out a newspaper and slams it down on his desktop. he'd been reading an article about somesuch, i dunno, but whatever it was seems to have upset him. he leans forward and pokes his fingertip at a particular paragraph]

DeP! listen to this.

[he reads]

"Homosexuals play the victim when they are, in fact, the predator. On average, they molest 117 people before they’re found out. How many kids have been destroyed, how many adults have been destroyed because of crimes against nature?"

[doomey leans back, and then he busts out laughing. he can't stop, it would seem. he clasps his stomach, he beats the cherrywood (hah), he grasps the edge of his desk white-knuckled, and he ends up bashing his head onto his desktop, upsetting the pile of cap that rests on the corner. he calms. he sits back]

my god! what a fucking asshole.

[doomey goes about folding the newspaper all nice and neat, tidying up]

that's a quote by some cat named bradlee dean. brad is the founder of You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International, and he's the drummer in a band called junkyard prophets or something like that. junkyard pedophiles? not sure. s'pose i should get my facts straight before i...oh fuck that. he said that on average gay dudes molest 117 people? each? every gay guy, on average...wait a minute. on average? where the fuck does this guy get his info? what stats page does he subscribe to? i would have to guess that there's no way brad said this. has to be a lie. i mean, DeP, come on...

[doomey rips open the newspaper and holds it out so it can be seen by DePlancher. DePlancher, fyi, is paying absolutely no attention to the doomster. she is working away at some new cap]

look at this guy!

[pictured is an average looking male, long hair (dark hair now, no more blond dye, what's up with that, braaaadlee?), average body build (except for all the haaa-uge muscles), a slight redneck tilt to his stance, a spark of hate in his dreamy eyes, blah blah blah, so on and so on]

you can't tell me this cat said those really horribly stupid things, eh? has to be a lie. has. to. be. a. fucking. lie. you with me on this, DeP? we on the same page? we slurpin' from the same milkshake? DeP?

[he brings down the newspaper, crumpling it into his lap]

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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/14 09:26 By: Jesus Status: Admin
Karma: 2

Posts: 199

[Jesus Christ tap-dances onto the Floor. Where the heck did he come from this time? You know, the more this guy shows up, doing the weird things he does, makes me think he might be more than just your AVERAGE janitor. Kind of freaks me out. But what do you guys care what freaks me out? I'm just the narrator. I'm just the dude that tells the dudes what the other dudes are doing. Anywhat...Where were we? Ah, yes. Jesus Christ tap-dances onto the Floor. He holds a printout, and as he passes Doomey's desk, he hands off the printout. He tap-dances off the Floor. blah blah blah. so on and so on]
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/14 10:21 By: doomey Status: Admin
Karma: -1760

Posts: 1482

[doomey picks up the printout]

ooo. an article from the minnesota independent. oh i love a good article. lend me your ear and i'll read you an article. hah. anyway, DeP, you wanna hear this?

[DePlancher has gone under her desk for a dropped pencil]

okay then. here goes.

[doomey clears his throat. he reads the printout]

“he’s un-american!” bradlee dean’s opinion of president barack obama — broadcast on his radio show “the school of hard knocks roxx” on apr. 4 — may echo that of fellow minnesotan, rep. michele bachmann, who in october 2008 told MSNBC’s chris matthews she’d like to see an investigation into whether obama and members of congress hold “anti-american” views.

but he takes his views where she wouldn’t. bachmann backed off her statement, saying she was misunderstood and railroaded by matthews, but dean recently went on to say Obama is “not american. he’s unpatriotic to the max. folks, he doesn’t have the spirit of a president.”

yet, bachmann still stands behind dean, who runs an annandale-based christian ministry that brings an evangelical message into churches, prisons, and public schools. next month, she’s headlining a fundraiser for that ministry, called You Can Run But You Cannot Hide (YCRBYCH), in bloomington on nov. 12. YCRBYCH says they will use the funds raised to reach others with their ministry — often public school students.

following a minnesota independent report earlier this month that featured sources who question the constitutionality of the group’s taxpayer-funded assemblies at public schools, YCRBYCH scrubbed its podcasts and audio archives from iTunes and the several websites it maintains. but the minnesota independent has obtained several of the group’s audio offerings, which give an overview of the opinions bachmann is endorsing by headlining the fundraiser.

on the april 4 show, a caller, lynn, said that obama was not a u.s. citizen. dean replied, channeling a bit of bachmann, “he’s un-american, he’s not american, he’s unpatriotic to the max.”

on aug. 1, dean recited an open letter from the white house: “truth be told with each passing day more and more americans are unable to get the health care they need,” he read. to that, dean added, “in other words, obama is saying, ‘i can give it to you, who’s yo...daddy?’”

[doomey gently puts the printout down atop his cherrywood. he closes his eyes, he breathes deeply, evenly. after a minute of this, he picks up the printout and begins to read from it]

on the same topic, dean attempted to speak for african americans.

“just this week me and steph [dean's wife] just began to ask people on the street, ‘what do you think about obama?’ we asked two black folks, which the color didn’t matter to me, but i do care more about their perspective right...now...because...

[doomey slaps down the printout]

fucks sake, brad.

[he closes his eyes again. breathes deep and regular. another minute ticks by. another minute i'll never get back. finally he picks up the printout and reads from where he'd left off]

...because it seems like the black communities are not for this guy at all. i believe there’s, like, a 70 percent ratio that they are very angry at this administration for what he is doing to them because this isn’t what they voted for. this isn’t what they signed up for.”

McMillian chimed...

[doomey squints, presses his lips tight. he's made a decision. like we care.

ok. i am not going to read her name anymore. it's long and it bugs me, so...

[he reads on]

McChick chimed in, “they realize they’ve been used.”

in august when the show aired, polling of african american voters showed approval in the 80 to 90 percent range.

[doomey jumps in his chair, barking a laugh or two, looking like a little kid. a little brat fresh from a dirty roll in the mud under the house. blah blah blah. so on and so on]

hah! fuck you brad. seems the dude isn't as cool as i thought. so fuck you, brad. and, hey, fuck me, too, while we're at it. how stupid am i? anywhat...

[he reads on]

in the same broadcast he called obama a criminal. “you’ve already seen this president deny christianity. you’ve already seen this president address the muslim nation four times. you’ve already seen this administration, him and his wife, going into foreign countries, telling them that they are ashamed of this country,” said dean. “this man is an internationalist. this administration is set against against your constitution, folks. that is a crime. that is a crime and do not let it go.”

dean continued, “crime cannot be tolerated especially from them that rule in government. It cannot be tolerated … criminals mock society’s laws. that’s what you see in this administration.”

he frequently refers to the president as an “obamanation” and sen. al franken as “frankenstein.”

[doomey puts down the printout, giggling]

oh, franken must fucking love this shit.

[he picks up the printout, reads on]

on the aug. 1 broadcast, the duo recalled an alleged clash between bachmann and some constituents.

McChick: “i remember michele bachmann did something up in scandia county a while back. the homosexuals tried to corner her and confront her.”

dean: “they even locked her in the bathroom. if that had been a homosexual senator or congressperson they would have brought charges immediately. no questions asked.”

[doomey puts down the printout. he's laughing uncontrollably. he's gripping his stomach, he's pounding his head on his desktop. goodness. hey, if he's just going to read a line and then laugh, do i really need to be here? i mean, can't i go grab a sandwich or something? i really don't see the...oh. he's back to reading the printout]

hah. the homosexuals locked buckmann in a bathroom. hah hah. oh my. this shit is funny.

[he picks up the printout, reads on]

in fact, bachmann filed a police report, but as witnesses said, there wasn’t much to the incident.

the ministry has harsh words for gays and lesbians, as well. during its april 4 broadcast, the duo lashed out at the decision by the iowa supreme court that legalized same-sex marriage in that state.

“in minneapolis, they had to spread their smudge and their shame and their ignorance and their idiocies and their immorality and their debauchery in the face of the american people, all the way to minneapolis, by having on the front page of the paper today, jake, two little girls — I don’t know if that was their lesbian parents behind them.”

[doomey puts down the printout]

who the fuck is jake? hm. anywhat...

[he picks up the printout, reads on]

he continued, “isn’t it interesting that these people are so stinkin’ sick in the mind that they use little kids for their agenda, showing their state of mind?”

[doomey puts down the printout. okay. this is getting really stupid, people]

sick in the mind? how the hell did brad work it around to that twisted angle. huh. i'll be. another dumb rocker. that all he is. and lord knows, i've known a few dumb rockers. i remember a day when me and the boys set up our amps and drums and PA in the courtyard of christina ricci's house, the los angles house, the one she sold? nice pool, lots of greenery. we set up out there by the pool for a party her drug dealer was throwing and...
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/14 10:57 By: Jesus Status: Admin
Karma: 2

Posts: 199

[Jesus Christ tap-dances onto the Floor. He is really working it now, doing a riff walk across the glass tiles]

Get on with it, Boligard. For my sake.

[Jesus Christ tap-dances off the Floor]
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Re:Week 4 Fall Issue 2010
Date: 2010/08/14 11:17 By: doomey Status: Admin
Karma: -1760

Posts: 1482

suck it, jesus!

[doomey frowns, looks around, resettles himself in his chair]

i do what i want.

[he taps out a smoke, lights it with a swan vista, begins to read where left off]

after reading bible verses, the duo incorrectly stated that homosexuality is a crime in the U.S. and said gays only live to be 42 years old.

[doomey puts down the printout. he's laughing again, big rolls of laughter. i mean, come on, can't i just take a flippin' break? go watch a movie or something? okay, he's back. he's slapping the printout against the edge of his desk]

ok, that's fucking funny, but what's more fucking funny is that some mid-aged rocker is sitting behind a radio mic reading bible verses.

[there he goes again. after a while he dcsides to read from the printout. jeez]

“do you not understand, enemies of god, [that] you are cursing yourselves?” said dean. “this secular government is giving them rights? they are talking away their life is what they are doing. what’s the average age of a homosexual?”

McChick chimed in, “A homosexual male? 42 is what they live to be.”

[doomey puts down the printout. really? again with the putting down the printout and the closing of the eyes and the breathing deep and regular? really? if i had a dollar for every time he puts down the printout i'd...oh. he's back to reading]

dean added, “and by the way, they are aiming at your kids like crazy folks.”

[don't you frickin' do it!]

later in that same program, dean erroneously stated that homosexuality is a crime. “why are they asking for the decriminalization of homosexuals? because it is a crime! it’s a crime! folks, they are lawless people!”

in addition to McChick, dean has also teamed up with the minnesota family council’s barb anderson on the radio program.


that is one long fucking name.

[yep. you guessed it, what with the picking up and the reading. good for you. you get a brownie pin]

“did you know that it’s illegal in 28 states in this country to commit adultery or fornication or sodomy even in the state of minnesota?” dean told anderson and his listeners on apr. 4. “but the laws have not been enforced in the courts since 1944. it’s illegal. seventy-six percent of those who write your papers see nothing wrong with homosexuality. it’s rightly called crimes against nature.”

[the minnesota supreme court overturned laws against sodomy in 2001, and the united states supreme court did the same in 2003.]

on the murder of a gay student in wyoming, dean said, “the matthew shepard lie had nothing to do with homosexuality. it was a drug deal that went bad.”

during an apr. 11 show, dean compared the trial of alleged ponzi scheme runner, tom petters to the crucifixion of jesus christ.

“and there’s another man that is hopefully going to be coming out of this spotless … just because you have a couple of bad apples doesn’t make everybody a bad apple or a bad apple tree. what they did is, they did it through the color of law. what kind of message is that to you, america? and I’m sick and tired of it. if he is innocent, he is going to ruin some serious lives, folks, and if he is a just man that’s just what he’ll do. the bottom line is that when you have federal prosecutors blocking the defense of tom petters, you better start asking questions why. why, why, why?! this is what they did to christ! they took him by night, they judged him, they didn’t give him a trial, and they handed him over and they crucified him.”

dean is no stranger to conspiracy theories. in 2006, the weekly standard traveled with him and his band, junkyard prophet, on their public school tour. writer matt labash generally praised the evangelical rock band, but did find some areas of disagreement — on whether or not man has landed on the moon.

labash: he is also a gold-plated conspiracy theorist who will readily hold forth on the mysterious plane crashes of paul wellstone and john kennedy jr., how oswald didn’t act alone, how O.J. simpson might’ve been framed (“he’s driving down the freeway, all of the sudden there’s this helicopter on his truck–how convenient!”), and how the moon-landing was faked in a television studio. we disagree so vehemently on this last point that he starts polling his assemblies on the subject just to settle the dispute. to what should be the chagrin of us all, apparently about 35 percent of public school students and teachers believe neil armstrong deserves an oscar for his star turn in that NASA movie.

but dean isn’t all conspiracies and vitriol. like last week’s bachmann fundraising email — which referenced “raising money from patriots like you” — the invitation to dean’s nov. 12 fundraiser uses the same honorific for financial donors. bachmann and dean, the invite states, will give speeches to “empower patriots to be on the offense.”

bachmann’s office hasn’t responded to the minnesota independent’s inquiries about dean’s past statements or her involvement in this fundraiser.

[doomey slaps down the printout]

well, slap my ass and call me sally. that was a motherfucking entertaining read.

[he sucks the life out of his cigarette]


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