TQR Confidential

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Fish Wrap Rap

And so, the gatekeepers at the country’s alloted media outlets have a moratorium upon the unwashed Print-On-Demand, and will never deign to review such a lowly form.

Vanity! Sayeth the hacks who run their editorial rooms like lords controlling their own pathetic little fiefdoms. But just like the town cryer before them, these monoliths of news dissemination are quickly becoming obsolete, their hubris being the last vestige of their collective psyches’ understanding that any power they hold is consequential as the ingrown toenail on stinky feet. Are they not then the vain elite?

As my friend Jesus once fondly said, “Let the dead bury the dead, and follow me!”

And as God is my witness, amen and hallelujah! I will lead you to the promised land of total quality reading, where platinum themes run into exotic settings like the shining romanticized countries of our youth. Where fiction tells the audacious lie that shows a fuller exposition of the truth. Where polar opposites find mysterious middle ground, and the sliding scales of the wages of sin are found.

Oh but that I laugh at you all, you petty czars of cultural propriety and cutting edge. You wouldn’t recognize gold if it fell one hundred stories and hit you in the head. Saddled with a self-imposed rigidity that allows you to ape the words “to think outside the box,” your foolish consistency this dictum mocks. So say goodnight and good day to your ivory towers’ impregnability. A house of cards has less fragility. You’ll be as extinct as the diplodocus because you’ve lost all sense of pioneering focus. Turn up your noses and sip your tea, don’t ever acknowledge the likes of me. And in the end when you’re in the gutter, I’d just as soon kick you in the fat fucking face!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Theodore's Ace in the hole

Many of you may have been wondering how I, the Rorschalk, was going to rid myself of the scourge of the interlopers onto the scene of TQR. And here it is! But our work here is not yet done, friends and countrymen and expatriats and bloody enemies of all that is holy. No! In order for this to work, you the investors have to invest, and not just time this bleeding time, but also money. Cash on the nail, as one says. Chalk it up to my 30 pieces of silver moment, Without you, I may actually be bought out by these corporate nincompoops, this Vanderbilt wannabe, Rockefeller! Since when during these last 3 years have I ever begged you for anything but stolid readership and steady feedback? So, now I am asking you in spades for your greenback!

Ahem. You must understand how unpalatable this all is, my scraping and bowing for every last penny, but my skin and soul and existence being at stake, I am not too proud. And believe me, it is a worthwhile investment. It is, in facts that encumber my insatiable mind, the eighth (not to mention ninth and tenth and half of the eleventh) wonder of the world! Yes. Click on that monkey up above! Touch the monkey!
And remember,

... if you don't buy the book, I am toast and jam.