ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST: The Script
Cast, in order of appearance:
1. Narrator played
2. Portus played
3. Brian played by Boligard Doomey
4. Portus’s wife, Sonia played by Gabrielle DePlancher
5. The Farmer’s Ghost played by
6. The Alien played by
Ext.
Zippy Mart Parking Lot
Night
Portus sweeps the lot of cigarette butts, candy wrappers and used condoms. Admiring the neat pile of refuse he's made, he shakes his head and laughs to himself.
PORTUS
Dust pan. Dust pan. Dust pan. Got your head up your
butt again, brother.
Before he can summon the brain waves to get him inside for the errant dust pan, he is transfixed by a familiar faint and mysterious sound, and looks up into the starry, cold night.
PORTUS
Helicopter? No. It can’t be ... what the ...
He turns around, licks his finger and sticks it in air. Then looks back down at the pile of debris.
PORTUS
Damn it. Dust pan!
He turns and walks resolutely back to the store
PORTUS
Dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan.
Int
Inside the Zippy Mart
Night
Brian scrambles to put away the porno mag he's been perusing..
BRIAN
Oh hi, Portus! I was just …
PORTUS
Dust pan dust pan dust pa-- Oh hey, B. I forgot the dust pan, man.
Portus walks behind the counter and gets to the dust pan, turns to leave then turns back, drops the dust pan and lays his hand on the counter.
PORTUS
See them scars, boy?
BRIAN
Yeah. Looks like they been melted or somethin'.
PORTUS
Know why?
BRIAN
You set 'em on fire or somethin'?
PORTUS
Nah. I was born with four thumbs. The doctor snipped two of 'em.
BRIAN
Yeesh.
PORTUS
My wife's pregnant, man. When our little girl is born, if she's got extra fingers, I think we'll leave them on.You could probably something really cool with those extra fingers.
BRIAN
Yeah. Like be a kick-ass guitarist … if you had those extra fingers, I mean.
PORTUS
Phantom thumbs, man. Sometimes I can see 'em. If I look close, I can almost see them.
BRAIN
Yeah ... sure. Don’t try and bullshit me, Portus.
The bell above the door clangs and Sonia rushes in.
SONIA
Jesus in a June bug, Portus! Are you all right? I was jes driving by and I noticed that goddamn ghost by the dumpster an thought maybe he infected you with the demon seed!
BRIAN
Ghosts! Demons! Christ! Are both of you crazy?
PORTUS
Honey, I keep telling you, he’s just some lonely farmer.
Brian walks over to the front of the store, looks out toward the dumpster and shrugs his shoulders, then turns around.
BRIAN
Yo Portus. You going to leave that pile of butts and shit out there all night?
Ext.
Zippy Mart Dumpster
Night
The denim overall-wearing ghost stood amidships of the dumpster trying to keep its wits while Portus and Sonia accosted him from opposite sides.
PORTUS
See. He ain’t going to impregnate me w/ no demon seed, Sonia. He’s harmless.
SONIA
(Ignoring her husband)
You stay away from my man, you unclean spirit. You hear me? I’ll call down Jesus on your ass if’n you lay one of those protoplasmic fingers on him I’ll call down the Holy Ghost and it’ll probably have you for some kind of snack.
PORTUS
You never listen to me! Jesus on a stick, woman. You shouldn’t begetting so irate and all, being with child and all.
SONIA
(Still ignoring Portus)
You know it? It’ll prolly roll you like some kind of finger samwich and gulp you down whole! For the love of God, you step back! Hear? The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ-
GHOST
Look lady, I don't even know why the hell I'm cursed to roam the night anymore than you know why you're such an inveterate harpy! [Turns to PORTUS] If I was you, friend. I'd get thee to a monastery rather than hafta suffer the slings and arrows of this bitch!
MONEY SHOT, a downward crane angle, swooping in from afar, as half a dozen zombies stagger out from behind the dumpster.
ZOMBIES
brains... brains.
PORTUS
quick, mama, hide thy plump self behind my vastness. i'll shield thee, i will. back, heathen scum!
ZOMBIES
brains... brains.
GHOST
you'd think they'd go for something a bit more tasty than the brain, wouldn't you?
SONIA
ahhhhh. no. not zombies. anything but zombies!
the swooping crane shot levels and settles on portus and lead zombie. two shot.
LEAD ZOMBIE
we've a message for a mister bongo.
PORTUS
bongo?
LEAD ZOMBIE
yes, sir
ZOMBIES (v.o.)
brains... brains.
PORTUS
there's no mister bongo in these parts, pal. seems perhaps you've been dropped off in the wrong zip code.
LEAD ZOMBIE (to zombies)
boys! hey, boys. which one of you have the orders.
new shot, overhead, slight angle, on portus and lead zombie and zombies. zombies look around at each other. one steps forward.
ZOMBIE 1
i've got them (she pulls out a sheet of rumpled paper) says here we're to locate and transfer data to a mister bongo of patterson lake montana, zone 3F1-nancy.
LEAD ZOMBIE (to portus0
this is zone 3F1-nancy, isn't it?
PORTUS
beats the shit out of me, friend.
LEAD ZOMBIE
hm. (to zombies) looks like we're going to have to pack it up, boys. regroup, get our bearings.
zombies turn and stagger back behind the dumpster.
PORTUS
glad we could be of some help, fellows.
GHOST
Now just leave me the alone, will yuz?!
PORTUS
My lady, let us leave this unclean spirit
to its own devices.
Man and wife walk hand in hand back toward the entrance of the Zippy Mart. But before they can enter, the night is rent by a spiderweb of white laser beams, and that chinzie theme from 'Close Encounters' is played repeatedly on what sounds like to be a xylophone.
SONIA
They've come for the chile!
PORTUS
Get thee behind my portentious bulk, woman.
I shall protect ye from these alien marauders!
MOTHERSHIP
[vo]
People of earth, we have come for your Marlboros
and Swank! Do not try and stop us. Any of you
motherfuckers try anything and we'll zap you with
the ray gun.
Oblivious to the big shakes going on, Brian pushes his way out of the glass doors of the Zippy Mart, shaking a finger at Portus.
BRIAN
Goddamn you, Portus! I've been frying
donuts in there all alone for I don't
know how--what the...
MOTHERSHIP
We must exterminate! We must exterminate!
We must exterminate! We must exterminate!
A blinding red laser beam reduces Brian to a chunk of gristle sizzling on the sidewalk.
PORTUS
You all want hard or soft pack? Lights, ultra lights or regulars? Plain brown paperbag or plastic?
SONIA
Don't let them take the chile, Portus!
You hear me? Don't... let ... them ...
PORTUS
[Gives her a righteous backhand]
[sotto voce]
Shut up woman. They ain't never yet
mentioned nothing about the child!
MOTHERSHIP
And since you mentioned it...
A blue tractor beam envelops Sonia and turns her floating perpendicular to the ground.
Portus falls to his knees and prays to Jesus.
PORTUS
Lord, may you find it within
your holy bounds to intercede...
Brian walks out of the Zippy Mart, oblivious to the drama.
BRIAN
God dang it, Portus. I'm in there
making donuts and all you are d-
... what the ????
MOTHERSHIP
We must exterminate. We must exterminate.
We must exterminate. We must exterminate.
A pillar of light zaps Brian, reducing him to a sizzling hunk of gristle. Sonia moans mesmerically. Portus jumps to his feet and lays his hands upon his woman.
PORTUS
Sinner ... heal theyselves!
[to Sonia]
I got a favor to ask of you.
All she can do is moan.
MOTHERSHIP
We must exterminate. We must exterminate.
We must--
Four anatomically correct but humongous-sized thumbs shoot from Sonia's stomach and up into the sky, puncturing the mothership's hull with their gigantic thumbnails. The mothership whirrs for a seond before exploding in a shower of white light. Shrapnel falls from the sky all around them as Sonia falls heavily to the ground.
PORTUS
Thank you, baby girl.
SONIA
Phewee. That was close!
PORTUS
It's good to have phantom thumbs.
Brian, unaware of the tumult surrounding him, walks out of the Zippy Mart.
BRIAN
Portus. Can't you read the GD
signs?
[He points at the sign]
No Fornicating in the Parking Lot!
Zombies emerge from the back of the dumpster. The Farmer's Ghost makes itself transparent and disappears.
ZOMBIES
[OC]
Brains. Brains!
BRIAN
What in the hell?
HEAD ZOMBIE
[sizing up Brian]
Well, zombies can't be choosers.
The zombies fall upon Brian and begin to devour him alive. Portus jumps to his feet and tries to distract the zombies by banging on the dumpster from whence they came.
PORTUS
Egad! Depart from here yon, zombies!
This is Indiana ... we're nowhere near
Montana! You got the wrong guy.
Zombie continue feeding as the terrible, blood curdling screams of Brian begin to give way to the zombies moaning and the sounds of ripping flesh.
SONIA
Let's get te fuck outta here!
PORTUS
Alas, poor Brian. I knew him well!
Whether it is 'gainst the makers
canon to be devoured by zombies
I would throw off this mortal coil--
SONIA
Can it Milton! Throw me the GD keys!
Portus digs in his pocket and throws his wife the keys. They scramble to the beat-up Dodge rambler and take off, tire squealing, into the impending sunrise.
1. Narrator played
2. Portus played
3. Brian played by Boligard Doomey
4. Portus’s wife, Sonia played by Gabrielle DePlancher
5. The Farmer’s Ghost played by
6. The Alien played by
Ext.
Zippy Mart Parking Lot
Night
Portus sweeps the lot of cigarette butts, candy wrappers and used condoms. Admiring the neat pile of refuse he's made, he shakes his head and laughs to himself.
PORTUS
Dust pan. Dust pan. Dust pan. Got your head up your
butt again, brother.
Before he can summon the brain waves to get him inside for the errant dust pan, he is transfixed by a familiar faint and mysterious sound, and looks up into the starry, cold night.
PORTUS
Helicopter? No. It can’t be ... what the ...
He turns around, licks his finger and sticks it in air. Then looks back down at the pile of debris.
PORTUS
Damn it. Dust pan!
He turns and walks resolutely back to the store
PORTUS
Dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan dust pan.
Int
Inside the Zippy Mart
Night
Brian scrambles to put away the porno mag he's been perusing..
BRIAN
Oh hi, Portus! I was just …
PORTUS
Dust pan dust pan dust pa-- Oh hey, B. I forgot the dust pan, man.
Portus walks behind the counter and gets to the dust pan, turns to leave then turns back, drops the dust pan and lays his hand on the counter.
PORTUS
See them scars, boy?
BRIAN
Yeah. Looks like they been melted or somethin'.
PORTUS
Know why?
BRIAN
You set 'em on fire or somethin'?
PORTUS
Nah. I was born with four thumbs. The doctor snipped two of 'em.
BRIAN
Yeesh.
PORTUS
My wife's pregnant, man. When our little girl is born, if she's got extra fingers, I think we'll leave them on.You could probably something really cool with those extra fingers.
BRIAN
Yeah. Like be a kick-ass guitarist … if you had those extra fingers, I mean.
PORTUS
Phantom thumbs, man. Sometimes I can see 'em. If I look close, I can almost see them.
BRAIN
Yeah ... sure. Don’t try and bullshit me, Portus.
The bell above the door clangs and Sonia rushes in.
SONIA
Jesus in a June bug, Portus! Are you all right? I was jes driving by and I noticed that goddamn ghost by the dumpster an thought maybe he infected you with the demon seed!
BRIAN
Ghosts! Demons! Christ! Are both of you crazy?
PORTUS
Honey, I keep telling you, he’s just some lonely farmer.
Brian walks over to the front of the store, looks out toward the dumpster and shrugs his shoulders, then turns around.
BRIAN
Yo Portus. You going to leave that pile of butts and shit out there all night?
Ext.
Zippy Mart Dumpster
Night
The denim overall-wearing ghost stood amidships of the dumpster trying to keep its wits while Portus and Sonia accosted him from opposite sides.
PORTUS
See. He ain’t going to impregnate me w/ no demon seed, Sonia. He’s harmless.
SONIA
(Ignoring her husband)
You stay away from my man, you unclean spirit. You hear me? I’ll call down Jesus on your ass if’n you lay one of those protoplasmic fingers on him I’ll call down the Holy Ghost and it’ll probably have you for some kind of snack.
PORTUS
You never listen to me! Jesus on a stick, woman. You shouldn’t begetting so irate and all, being with child and all.
SONIA
(Still ignoring Portus)
You know it? It’ll prolly roll you like some kind of finger samwich and gulp you down whole! For the love of God, you step back! Hear? The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ-
GHOST
Look lady, I don't even know why the hell I'm cursed to roam the night anymore than you know why you're such an inveterate harpy! [Turns to PORTUS] If I was you, friend. I'd get thee to a monastery rather than hafta suffer the slings and arrows of this bitch!
MONEY SHOT, a downward crane angle, swooping in from afar, as half a dozen zombies stagger out from behind the dumpster.
ZOMBIES
brains... brains.
PORTUS
quick, mama, hide thy plump self behind my vastness. i'll shield thee, i will. back, heathen scum!
ZOMBIES
brains... brains.
GHOST
you'd think they'd go for something a bit more tasty than the brain, wouldn't you?
SONIA
ahhhhh. no. not zombies. anything but zombies!
the swooping crane shot levels and settles on portus and lead zombie. two shot.
LEAD ZOMBIE
we've a message for a mister bongo.
PORTUS
bongo?
LEAD ZOMBIE
yes, sir
ZOMBIES (v.o.)
brains... brains.
PORTUS
there's no mister bongo in these parts, pal. seems perhaps you've been dropped off in the wrong zip code.
LEAD ZOMBIE (to zombies)
boys! hey, boys. which one of you have the orders.
new shot, overhead, slight angle, on portus and lead zombie and zombies. zombies look around at each other. one steps forward.
ZOMBIE 1
i've got them (she pulls out a sheet of rumpled paper) says here we're to locate and transfer data to a mister bongo of patterson lake montana, zone 3F1-nancy.
LEAD ZOMBIE (to portus0
this is zone 3F1-nancy, isn't it?
PORTUS
beats the shit out of me, friend.
LEAD ZOMBIE
hm. (to zombies) looks like we're going to have to pack it up, boys. regroup, get our bearings.
zombies turn and stagger back behind the dumpster.
PORTUS
glad we could be of some help, fellows.
GHOST
Now just leave me the alone, will yuz?!
PORTUS
My lady, let us leave this unclean spirit
to its own devices.
Man and wife walk hand in hand back toward the entrance of the Zippy Mart. But before they can enter, the night is rent by a spiderweb of white laser beams, and that chinzie theme from 'Close Encounters' is played repeatedly on what sounds like to be a xylophone.
SONIA
They've come for the chile!
PORTUS
Get thee behind my portentious bulk, woman.
I shall protect ye from these alien marauders!
MOTHERSHIP
[vo]
People of earth, we have come for your Marlboros
and Swank! Do not try and stop us. Any of you
motherfuckers try anything and we'll zap you with
the ray gun.
Oblivious to the big shakes going on, Brian pushes his way out of the glass doors of the Zippy Mart, shaking a finger at Portus.
BRIAN
Goddamn you, Portus! I've been frying
donuts in there all alone for I don't
know how--what the...
MOTHERSHIP
We must exterminate! We must exterminate!
We must exterminate! We must exterminate!
A blinding red laser beam reduces Brian to a chunk of gristle sizzling on the sidewalk.
PORTUS
You all want hard or soft pack? Lights, ultra lights or regulars? Plain brown paperbag or plastic?
SONIA
Don't let them take the chile, Portus!
You hear me? Don't... let ... them ...
PORTUS
[Gives her a righteous backhand]
[sotto voce]
Shut up woman. They ain't never yet
mentioned nothing about the child!
MOTHERSHIP
And since you mentioned it...
A blue tractor beam envelops Sonia and turns her floating perpendicular to the ground.
Portus falls to his knees and prays to Jesus.
PORTUS
Lord, may you find it within
your holy bounds to intercede...
Brian walks out of the Zippy Mart, oblivious to the drama.
BRIAN
God dang it, Portus. I'm in there
making donuts and all you are d-
... what the ????
MOTHERSHIP
We must exterminate. We must exterminate.
We must exterminate. We must exterminate.
A pillar of light zaps Brian, reducing him to a sizzling hunk of gristle. Sonia moans mesmerically. Portus jumps to his feet and lays his hands upon his woman.
PORTUS
Sinner ... heal theyselves!
[to Sonia]
I got a favor to ask of you.
All she can do is moan.
MOTHERSHIP
We must exterminate. We must exterminate.
We must--
Four anatomically correct but humongous-sized thumbs shoot from Sonia's stomach and up into the sky, puncturing the mothership's hull with their gigantic thumbnails. The mothership whirrs for a seond before exploding in a shower of white light. Shrapnel falls from the sky all around them as Sonia falls heavily to the ground.
PORTUS
Thank you, baby girl.
SONIA
Phewee. That was close!
PORTUS
It's good to have phantom thumbs.
Brian, unaware of the tumult surrounding him, walks out of the Zippy Mart.
BRIAN
Portus. Can't you read the GD
signs?
[He points at the sign]
No Fornicating in the Parking Lot!
Zombies emerge from the back of the dumpster. The Farmer's Ghost makes itself transparent and disappears.
ZOMBIES
[OC]
Brains. Brains!
BRIAN
What in the hell?
HEAD ZOMBIE
[sizing up Brian]
Well, zombies can't be choosers.
The zombies fall upon Brian and begin to devour him alive. Portus jumps to his feet and tries to distract the zombies by banging on the dumpster from whence they came.
PORTUS
Egad! Depart from here yon, zombies!
This is Indiana ... we're nowhere near
Montana! You got the wrong guy.
Zombie continue feeding as the terrible, blood curdling screams of Brian begin to give way to the zombies moaning and the sounds of ripping flesh.
SONIA
Let's get te fuck outta here!
PORTUS
Alas, poor Brian. I knew him well!
Whether it is 'gainst the makers
canon to be devoured by zombies
I would throw off this mortal coil--
SONIA
Can it Milton! Throw me the GD keys!
Portus digs in his pocket and throws his wife the keys. They scramble to the beat-up Dodge rambler and take off, tire squealing, into the impending sunrise.
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