TQR Confidential

Friday, April 28, 2006

Theodore's unintentional One-man Show!

Friday 21, April, 7pm MDT. I walked into the conference room [now the CHESSDOJO] expecting to be met by a few investors and, possibly, some VC, but found an empty room instead. I was somewhat miffed (as the first line of the 'transcript' clearly shows) because I wanted to thank them all for making possible our fine new spring issue. But the evening wasn't lost. I filibustered for 20 minutes and made some cogent points that still may be of interest to investors and VC alike. So I've posted it here as a transcript. The proceedings went as follows.

[20:56 tqr] Are you shitting me?

[20:56 tqr] come on!

[20:57 tqr] Oh well.

[20:57 tqr] What are the 5 stages of dying?

[20:57 tqr] I think that 'Are you shitting me' counts as 'denial'.

[20:58 tqr] Then the 'come on!' equals 'anger'. And I skipped 'bargaining' and whatever the hell else there is and went straight to acceptance with that 'Oh well.'

[20:58 tqr] So... I guess there are still 2 minutes til midnight... eh?

[20:59 tqr] On the bright side, this here Conf Rm is working smooooth.

[20:59 tqr] Hardly any lag at all.

[20:59 tqr] Right-o, old Conf Rm. Old bean! Pip pip! And it's a long way to Tipperary, and all that sort of thing.

[21:00 tqr] It is 7 pm MDT and I am in here speechifying to myself. You investors and VC know that I am missing WWE Smackdown for this?!

[21:01 tqr] It's "The King of the Ring" tourney, for God's sake!

[21:01 tqr] Booker T!

[21:01 tqr] "Can you dig it ... SUCHAHHHHHH!?"

[21:02 tqr] I mean "...SUCKAH!"

[21:02 tqr] Nodody knows the trouble I've seen.

[21:02 tqr] Well, let's wrap this up...

[21:03 tqr] Thank you all for coming. I can't say but that I am somewhat nervous, public speaking being one of my biggest fears.

[21:03 tqr] I've always been told the key is working in some comic relief.

[21:03 tqr] Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?

[21:04 tqr] ba dump bump!

[21:04 tqr] Thank you! Did you try the veal?

[21:04 tqr] It's excellent ... I'll be here all weekend...

[21:05 tqr] TQRstories, or as we monosyllabic liking more folks prefer to call it just a plain old TQR, want you to have more than just the samo samo e-zine experience.

[21:05 tqr] Dig?

[21:06 tqr] That is why... we bring to you th exciting machinations behind the scenes of the electronic impulses and algorithms whose job it is to vet the cap.

[21:07 tqr] You've read the Investor Guide, I'm sure. But to refresh...

[21:07 tqr] there are other reasons for this transparency...

[21:08 tqr] The one that stands out for me is how it scares away the drive-by submitters who, as I put it in the IG, pump their capital upon the Web from the muzzle of a shotgun.

[21:08 tqr] We just don't need that 'type' mucking up the process. Their capital usually suffers from penis envy, anyhow.

[21:09 tqr] No confidence in themselves equals unconfident prose, so who needs it?

[21:09 tqr] Capische?

[21:09 tqr] So.... that's my thing. CAN YOU DIG IT ......... SUCKAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!?

[21:10 tqr] So, that's all I have to say about that. I'd take any questions now if THERE WAS ANY-FUCKING-BODY PRESENT FOR ME TO TAKE A GODDAMN QUESTION FROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

[21:11 tqr] But I digress... read the Investor Guide. It's a good read, and it kinda sorta give you an idea how to use this site to it maximum overdrive.

[21:11 tqr] Who made who? Who made you? Who made who? Please somebody tell me...

[21:12 tqr] AC/DC ... rock on, bitch!

[21:12 tqr] I am please as punch about the Spring Issue, and I hope you are too.

[21:13 tqr] Funny how they (the CGs) all are so different yet have some striking similarities and dichotomies. Anyhow. I'm not going to go into it because I already have in 'From the Chair'. So, read it you nonexistent numbskulls!

[21:15 tqr] But you know, I can take comfort in the fact that I know this here zine is being noticed. It is April 21, yes? I reset the hit counter of the Lobby on April 3rd cuz I forgot to do it on the 1st. And, guess freaking what! We are already on 2800 hits! Granted, about 300 of those are mine, but I am excited and bemused by this number because it is the best number to date and the sky's the limit, as they say.

[21:17 tqr] Let the record show that I, TQR, was here 5 minutes before 7pm MDT, and stayed and made speeches to an empty room until 7:16pm MDT, or 1916 MDT if you prefere military time. I do so love a good strapping young military type. I used to be one myself. Still keep myself in tip top condition. Why just today I was walloping the heavy bag with such ferocity that it almost broke from its housing.

[21:18 tqr] And now I must bid you adieu, sweet prince and princesses. Keep your noses clean and continue to invest in TQR. Or the Boogieman will eat worms and come and get you.

[21:18 tqr] CAN YOU DIG IT .... SUCKAAAAAAHHHHHHS!!!!!!!!!??????????

[21:19 tqr] This is Theodore Q Rorschalk, signing out at what now is 1919 MDT, cap'n.

[21:19 tqr] "Good night ... and good luck!"

Rorschalk goes down 2-nil to bitch ass Doomey

Another drubbing, although I did manage to take queen for queen, at least. Here's the transcript:

[20:58 doomey] ta-dah
[21:00 doomey] ta-da-da-da-dah-ta-dah
[21:00 tqr] hello
[21:01 tqr] I've got my son throwing his little b'ball around, soo.. bear with me.
[21:01 tqr] He wants to type, too.
[21:01 tqr] Type II type a da keys ... get it?
[21:01 doomey] has joined the room.
[21:02 tqr] Where the hell are the Queen's situated this day?
[21:02 doomey] gitch cha, bra
[21:02 doomey] hah hah
[21:02 doomey] the queen are on their own color
[21:02 doomey] every thing is directly across from each other
[21:02 tqr] My cheap ass chess set has clear men and white men
[21:03 doomey] hah
[21:03 doomey] clear men
[21:03 tqr] I have no idea which is black and which white
[21:03 doomey] invisable men
[21:03 tqr] So you gotta tell me where my queen goes.
[21:03 doomey] white be white
[21:03 doomey] clear be black
[21:03 tqr] I'm playing white so...
[21:03 doomey] your board have black and white squares
[21:03 tqr] queen on 1d?
[21:04 tqr] No clear and white.
[21:04 doomey] white queen, yes
[21:04 tqr] Clear be black. OK. That makes sense.
[21:04 doomey] clear squares?
[21:04 doomey] cool, mister
[21:04 tqr] OK. I'm ready to crush you. I have refresh off
[21:04 tqr] so we may actually get a transcript out of this.
[21:04 doomey] black queen is on d8
[21:05 tqr] Do you like the new Lobby configuration?
[21:05 doomey] so, you can pick your pieces
[21:05 doomey] clear or white?
[21:05 tqr] Yes. The queen's are facing down a straight line
[21:06 tqr] I've got white and your dastardly move will be 'clear'
[21:06 tqr] So, son on lap, I will make the first move...
[21:06 tqr] Hello... are you there gridley?
[21:06 doomey] new lobby config? um. i's tired of our lobby look, so i can't say i like it, but you've done a lot of kickass work on it.
[21:07 doomey] is yer boy gonna flip the board tonight?
[21:07 doomey] ha hah
[21:08 tqr] e4
[21:08 doomey] got your move!
[21:08 doomey] e5
[21:08 tqr] Only if I"m losing...
[21:08 tqr] got your move!
[21:09 tqr] Bc4
[21:09 doomey] got your crazy move
[21:09 doomey] you a wild man!
[21:09 doomey] bishops out and wandering about
[21:09 tqr] Bc 4
[21:10 tqr] Ok. Damn the dojo is slow again tonight.
[21:10 tqr] Gotta make shit happen is all.
[21:10 doomey] Nf6
[21:11 tqr] yrs
[21:11 tqr] got your move
[21:11 tqr] You keeping this on paper?
[21:11 doomey] how's the boy
[21:12 doomey] giving you trouble
[21:12 doomey] a chip off the old block
[21:12 doomey] yes i am recording our game on paper
[21:12 tqr] N3f
[21:12 tqr] He is with his mother now. She has come out of her pain cave.
[21:12 doomey] Nc6
[21:13 tqr] But he's a fun little guy.
[21:13 doomey] pain cave
[21:13 doomey] ouch
[21:13 tqr] You like to ride horses?
[21:13 tqr] got your move!
[21:14 doomey] horse
[21:14 doomey] had them when i was a kid
[21:14 tqr] 0-0
[21:14 doomey] got bucked off once
[21:14 doomey] haven't rode since
[21:14 doomey] ut i do like horses
[21:14 tqr] Weren't they property of the circus, though?
[21:14 doomey] very cool animals to stand next to and try and be friends with
[21:14 doomey] big eyes
[21:14 doomey] i'd like to ride again
[21:15 tqr] Or what?
[21:15 doomey] circus horses, yes
[21:15 tqr] Did you ever read the play "Equs"?
[21:15 tqr] Or however you spell that
[21:16 doomey] saw the movie
[21:16 tqr] 0-0 (castling king side)
[21:16 doomey] don't recall much liking it
[21:16 tqr] Or is that o-o?
[21:16 doomey] got your move
[21:17 tqr] Anyhow, the guy in that play poked out all the horses big eyes.
[21:17 doomey] either one
[21:17 tqr] I was thinking you might have some experience with that.
[21:17 doomey] 0-0 or o-o
[21:17 doomey] i guess
[21:17 doomey] i dunno
[21:17 doomey] oh that's right, about the eyes
[21:17 tqr] Are we headed for a bloodbath?
[21:18 doomey] nasty
[21:18 doomey] never poke any horses' eyes out, sister
[21:18 doomey] that's sick
[21:18 tqr] what you gonna do?
[21:19 tqr] Yo. brb, gotta get the kid some choco guk (milk).
[21:20 doomey] d5
[21:21 tqr] didja move, suckah?
[21:21 tqr] OK.
[21:21 tqr] got your move. You're beating my bishop.
[21:21 doomey] sorry, thought it was mine
[21:22 doomey] my bad
[21:22 tqr] I know we've know each other a few years now, but do you think that is called for?
[21:22 doomey] no, i don't
[21:23 tqr] Bb3
[21:23 doomey] got your move
[21:23 tqr] got my move?
[21:23 tqr] damn, I gotsto type something before I can see your next mssg!
[21:24 tqr] Fucking dojo!
[21:24 doomey] yes
[21:24 doomey] it is that way when you have refresh unchecked
[21:24 doomey] i left mine checked
[21:24 tqr] Oh well. It give me an excuse to taunt and spout inane shit.
[21:24 doomey] went all last game with it unchecked
[21:24 doomey] hastle
[21:24 tqr] See, now that's fucking smart.
[21:24 tqr] I never would have realized that.
[21:25 tqr] You are not stupid.
[21:25 tqr] You're like socrates or somthing.
[21:25 doomey] can't spell hassle though
[21:25 tqr] Telling people you are stupid when you are like bulling them and making them look dumb.
[21:25 tqr] I know your angle.
[21:26 doomey] what to do... what to do
[21:26 tqr] Left unchecked, I could run amok all night long.
[21:26 doomey] my slant, sister
[21:26 doomey] unchecked you have a transcript, right?
[21:27 tqr] I'm sure you have several killer moves ... why not throw my a lonely one, just for the hell of it?
[21:27 doomey] but we don't really need one
[21:27 doomey] a transcript, that is
[21:27 tqr] Yep. Remind me not to click out of here before I copy it, or it will be lost again.
[21:27 tqr] Sure, why not. Bobby Fischer might want to audit this shit!
[21:28 tqr] You know?
[21:28 tqr] Yeppers...
[21:28 doomey] i figure if people want to experience our game, they would be here, so we don't really need a transcript
[21:28 doomey] oh shit is that going to be in the transcript
[21:28 doomey] crap
[21:28 tqr] mm hmmm
[21:28 doomey] trying to think up a move
[21:29 tqr] What don't you want in the transcript?
[21:29 tqr] Too late now!
[21:29 tqr] The world will know of you, and tremble.
[21:29 doomey] dxe4
[21:30 tqr] You got plenty of game...
[21:30 doomey] meaning my pawn on the d collumn takes your pawn on e4
[21:30 doomey] which i am sure you already knew
[21:30 tqr] got your move.
[21:30 doomey] you being rorschalk and all
[21:30 doomey] brb
[21:31 doomey] gotta wax my pet dolphine
[21:31 doomey] he's screaming in the tub
[21:31 doomey] thank god there's a tub in the dojo
[21:31 doomey] brb
[21:31 tqr] when can I en passant you?
[21:32 tqr] Yeah. Just don't slosh too much. The carpet is Berber, man!
[21:32 tqr] It's Berber!
[21:34 doomey] ok
[21:34 doomey] the fish is okay
[21:34 doomey] which is cool
[21:34 doomey] cooking it up for dinner later
[21:34 doomey] want it fresh, sister
[21:34 tqr] Bxf8
[21:35 tqr] Fuck the clergy!
[21:35 tqr] I hereby give myself permission to delete that heinous statement from the transcript.
[21:36 doomey] do you mean Bxf7?
[21:36 tqr] I've finished my first Red Stripe. Two more to go. I've got to learn to drink slower.
[21:37 doomey] i am drinking 22oz sapporos tonight
[21:37 tqr] Doesn't my Bishop have a clear path to f8?
[21:37 tqr] and your Bishop?
[21:37 doomey] your bishop was on b3
[21:37 tqr] I was on b3?
[21:37 tqr] Oh shit. BAd move. I take it back now.
[21:38 tqr] Maybe one Red STripe is one too many...
[21:38 tqr] OK. recablibrating...
[21:38 doomey] never too many, bra
[21:38 doomey] only too few
[21:39 doomey] have a multi-vitamin
[21:39 doomey] and some hay fever medicine
[21:39 doomey] lear you right up
[21:40 tqr] d3
[21:40 doomey] did you fall down? trip on lil' theo's b-ball?
[21:40 doomey] ah
[21:40 doomey] got your move!
[21:41 tqr] Lear! I love that old fool!
[21:41 doomey] exf3
[21:41 doomey] so you tell me, what did i take?
[21:42 tqr] didja move?
[21:42 tqr] horse
[21:42 tqr] got your move
[21:43 tqr] qxf3
[21:43 doomey] horse, correct, sirah!
[21:44 doomey] got your move
[21:44 tqr] i got your pawn!!!!
[21:44 doomey] now we've got yourselves a game
[21:44 tqr] hoorah~!v
[21:44 tqr] c
[21:44 tqr] b
[21:44 tqr] that c and b is sam's doing
[21:45 tqr] bnn
[21:45 doomey] ok, now observe the power of the fork
[21:45 tqr] that bnn too
[21:45 doomey] sam, well done
[21:45 doomey] Nd4
[21:45 tqr] fudge
[21:46 tqr] i didn't want tha bishop anyway!
[21:46 tqr] ujhhhjo 0jjm .
[21:46 tqr] again, sam
[21:46 doomey] nice typing, sam
[21:46 tqr] Kinda sounds like how I'm feeling right now though, got your bloody move
[21:47 doomey] looks like we got ourselves a writer here
[21:47 doomey] oh no
[21:47 tqr] bc7f
[21:47 tqr] +\
[21:47 tqr] +
[21:48 tqr] iBisho[ chekc
[21:48 tqr] sam, sto[ it1
[21:48 tqr] ++++
[21:48 tqr] +++
[21:48 tqr] bx7f
[21:48 tqr] +
[21:48 doomey] bc7f?
[21:48 doomey] i don't get it
[21:49 tqr] vv.v,v,
[21:49 doomey] sam, try and talk some sense into your dad, eh?
[21:49 tqr] bx7f
[21:49 tqr] +
[21:49 doomey] i did not get your move
[21:49 doomey] oh
[21:49 doomey] ok
[21:50 doomey] i got your move
[21:50 tqr] i may have to perform a diaper change on the lfy here
[21:50 doomey] Kxf7
[21:50 doomey] now i am screwed
[21:50 tqr] on my on
[21:50 doomey] i can't castle because i moved my king
[21:50 tqr] on sam, you idiot@!
[21:50 doomey] well done
[21:51 tqr] yep
[21:51 doomey] what is happening
[21:51 doomey] crazy stuff
[21:51 tqr] got your move
[21:51 doomey] diaper change
[21:51 doomey] yes!
[21:52 tqr] vv
[21:52 tqr] i
[21:52 tqr] m smelling something rank
[21:52 doomey] sam, is your dad around?
[21:52 doomey] oh, your here
[21:52 doomey] i thought maybe sam took you down
[21:52 doomey] wrestling move
[21:53 tqr] Qd1
[21:53 doomey] sister, sam is sitting on your lap. thestuff is going seep through.
[21:53 doomey] got your move
[21:54 tqr] Sam just took himself down.
[21:54 tqr] I think it was something like a self-styled ankle scissor of some soret
[21:54 tqr] He's running around now, bra.
[21:54 tqr] Mom's room one minute, lap the next.
[21:54 tqr] He's stinky.
[21:55 doomey] ah
[21:55 tqr] But he can type like a little man.
[21:55 doomey] the ol ankle scissor
[21:55 tqr] I'm regrouping, you...
[21:55 tqr] pig
[21:56 tqr] Caught myself guzzling the Red Stripe... the second is almost history.
[21:56 doomey] careful
[21:56 tqr] I've only got one left!
[21:56 doomey] sips
[21:56 doomey] Bc5
[21:56 tqr] Doomey, put me outta my misery1
[21:56 tqr] got your move
[21:56 doomey] stop that
[21:57 doomey] good game so far
[21:57 tqr] a4
[21:58 doomey] got your move
[21:58 tqr] I'm going lonely ...
[21:58 tqr] or am I????
[21:58 doomey] Ng4
[21:59 tqr] Once the third RStripe gone, will bring out heavy artillery.
[21:59 doomey] yeah, i dunno what your doing over there on a4
[21:59 doomey] something mysterious
[21:59 doomey] oh no
[21:59 doomey] the real booze
[21:59 doomey] the amber
[21:59 doomey] bugs get stuck in the amber, sister
[22:00 tqr] my wife just asked if I'm almost done...
[22:00 tqr] Well, am I?
[22:00 doomey] oh no
[22:00 tqr] Do you feel done, punk?
[22:00 doomey] tell her yes
[22:00 tqr] She's bluffing.
[22:00 doomey] tell her we've nearly nipped it in the bud
[22:00 doomey] whatever that means
[22:00 tqr] Sam will go down in a few minutes, and we'll be golden.
[22:01 doomey] yes, she's a bluffer
[22:01 tqr] So you gotta throw in a lonely move
[22:01 doomey] diff from a fluffer
[22:01 tqr] so we can play a bit more. I see your piling up on that corner box,
[22:01 tqr] just stop it!
[22:01 doomey] the corner box
[22:01 doomey] hah
[22:01 tqr] Did you just insinuate my wife fluffs Ron Jeremy types?
[22:01 tqr] Now you've done it!
[22:02 doomey] did i make the last move?
[22:02 doomey] i forget
[22:02 doomey] no, i said she is a bluffer, not a fluffer
[22:03 doomey] jeez, give this cat a few beers...
[22:03 tqr] f3
[22:03 tqr] brb
[22:03 doomey] got your move
[22:05 tqr] I'm back
[22:05 doomey] ok
[22:05 doomey] i was waiting
[22:05 tqr] How do you like that apple?
[22:06 doomey] now, theo, check this out
[22:06 tqr] Yo, I'm going to have to put Sam down her in 5 minutes or so.
[22:06 doomey] here is what is known in the deep south as a double pump shotgun check
[22:06 tqr] That might be a good time for you to take a piss break.
[22:06 doomey] Nf3
[22:06 tqr] You're already winning me?
[22:07 doomey] not a checkmate
[22:07 doomey] double check
[22:07 doomey] different animal
[22:07 doomey] in check by my horse and my bishop
[22:07 tqr] nxf3, don't you mean?
[22:07 doomey] at the same time
[22:07 tqr] Do you have to double pump me?
[22:08 doomey] across the border this is known as the horse and bishop gangbang
[22:08 tqr] That all you got?
[22:08 doomey] yes, i took the pawn
[22:08 doomey] sorry
[22:08 doomey] Nxf3
[22:08 tqr] kh1
[22:08 doomey] got your move
[22:09 tqr] Showy, show off, but ultimately lonely move.
[22:09 tqr] You don't scare me.
[22:09 doomey] Qh4
[22:10 tqr] yo yo you
[22:10 tqr] got your move
[22:11 tqr] h3
[22:11 tqr] suck it...
[22:11 doomey] got your move
[22:12 tqr] before it gets to hot and heavy in here, let me put Sam down.
[22:12 tqr] Take a piss break will ya?
[22:12 tqr] k?
[22:12 tqr] k?
[22:13 tqr] OK?
[22:13 doomey] Nf2 check
[22:13 tqr] Brother?
[22:13 doomey] oh ok
[22:13 tqr] Hey, you're not following orders.
[22:13 doomey] i take a piss break
[22:13 doomey] damn, wish i had to piss
[22:13 doomey] you go
[22:13 doomey] o, theo
[22:13 tqr] got your stinking move. be right back.
[22:13 doomey] lay down thine son
[22:15 doomey] oh when the cool wind breaks oer yonder reef
[22:15 doomey] and we've smoked up the last of the keef
[22:16 doomey] tis the merry mond that brings us up and high
[22:17 doomey] tis the merry mond that stitch our britches quay
[22:17 doomey] the merry mond from deep within the creek
[22:18 doomey] beneath the rocks the sand the dead man reek
[22:19 doomey] where she lie
[22:19 doomey] where she lie
[22:19 doomey] dum-de-dum dum-de-dum dum-de-dum
[22:20 doomey] christ, i still don't have to pee
[22:20 doomey] i'm off to find santino
[22:20 doomey] he owes me a goddamn beer from when we arm wrestled earlier
[22:20 doomey] ...
[22:22 tqr] sprru
[22:22 tqr] I think I meant to type 'sorry'
[22:23 tqr] May I get my last beer before the inevitable coup de gracey?
[22:23 doomey] sprru?
[22:23 doomey] please do
[22:23 tqr] be right back. Santino calls...!
[22:24 doomey] did you happen across my latest pirate song?
[22:24 tqr] OK
[22:24 tqr] I'm in a heap of trouble now, boy...
[22:24 doomey] who is
[22:24 tqr] I think you have a lovely voice, but the lyrics\
[22:24 tqr] Are you drunk?
[22:25 tqr] I'm in check.
[22:25 tqr] +++++++++++++++++++++++
[22:25 doomey] i like the lyrics
[22:25 doomey] the voice needs some work
[22:25 doomey] yes
[22:25 doomey] but my attack is weak
[22:25 doomey] there are holes, sirah
[22:25 doomey] holes!
[22:26 doomey] holes in my attack, i say
[22:26 doomey] look at my horses
[22:26 doomey] silly
[22:26 doomey] lined up as they are
[22:26 doomey] useless
[22:26 tqr] I think I only have one move
[22:26 tqr] and it's not a pretty one
[22:26 doomey] an my king!
[22:26 doomey] he's out with his bum in the wind
[22:27 doomey] make it
[22:27 doomey] the castle teeters...
[22:27 tqr] Rxf2
[22:27 doomey] it totters...
[22:27 doomey] and it falls on my damn horse!
[22:27 doomey] well met, sirah
[22:27 doomey] got your move
[22:28 tqr] But I have no chance to level my battle kite pon his crown.
[22:28 doomey] Qxf2
[22:28 tqr] fie 'pon't
[22:29 tqr] got your silly move.
[22:29 doomey] oh this is getting ugly
[22:29 doomey] i see light at the end of your tunnel
[22:29 doomey] i glint
[22:29 doomey] a glimmer
[22:30 doomey] what r u up to, sirah!
[22:31 doomey] i demand to know what you're up to!
[22:31 tqr] Qx3f
[22:31 doomey] some sort of secret battle technique, no doubt
[22:31 doomey] ah
[22:31 doomey] a move
[22:31 tqr] +
[22:31 doomey] i got your move, ted
[22:31 doomey] saw that one coming
[22:31 doomey] a mile away
[22:32 doomey] damn it to hell and back
[22:32 doomey] QxQ
[22:32 tqr] all I had, to live and fight another day, methinks
[22:33 doomey] well fought
[22:33 tqr] x3f
[22:33 doomey] got your move
[22:33 tqr] YOu have the advantage, of course.
[22:33 doomey] your gpawn takes my queen, right?
[22:33 tqr] It's now down to a battle of nutrition.
[22:34 tqr] right.
[22:34 doomey] eh?
[22:34 doomey] ok
[22:34 doomey] got your move
[22:34 doomey] wicked, sirah!
[22:34 doomey] hm...
[22:34 doomey] let's see
[22:34 tqr] at least I've decimated your cavalry.
[22:34 doomey] i could use a donut...
[22:35 tqr] Me, I still am horsed.
[22:35 doomey] fah, carbs
[22:35 tqr] I've some peanuts?
[22:35 doomey] you've my horses
[22:35 doomey] you bastard
[22:35 tqr] What about that fresh mahi mahi you're keeping in the hot tub?
[22:35 doomey] you cocksucking motherfucker
[22:35 doomey] oh that damn dolphin will be fine
[22:36 tqr] Good thing it's a fish use to tropical climes.
[22:36 doomey] just need its heart beating
[22:36 doomey] don't need it flopping about
[22:36 tqr] Whoa, what was that all about?
[22:36 doomey] fresh is the key to a good dolphin steak
[22:36 tqr] Do you see a death blow I might apply upon your person?
[22:36 doomey] hah
[22:36 doomey] thought that might slip by
[22:36 doomey] but no
[22:37 doomey] you are on your toes
[22:37 doomey] (like a ballet dancer)
[22:37 doomey] as per usual
[22:37 tqr] regroup.
[22:37 tqr] I've got one whole side to send into the fray!
[22:38 doomey] tis my move?
[22:38 tqr] Queenless though I be.
[22:38 doomey] me thinks
[22:38 tqr] Be u 2
[22:38 doomey] i am confused
[22:38 tqr] yours sirah.
[22:38 doomey] u2?
[22:38 doomey] i love u2
[22:38 doomey] that bono
[22:38 doomey] he has quite the velvet pipes
[22:38 doomey] and he can sing, too
[22:39 tqr] Now that your first gambit has failed to catch you a king, the play from here on in is the thing...
[22:39 doomey] yes, you've one side that hasn't moved a single buttcheek
[22:39 doomey] a play is the thing...
[22:39 tqr] mmmm, peanuts.
[22:39 tqr] You want some of this...?
[22:40 doomey] Bxh3
[22:40 tqr] I'm like Barishnykov
[22:41 doomey] gimme some peanuts, uhleeze
[22:41 doomey] you get?
[22:41 doomey] my move?
[22:41 doomey] careful
[22:41 tqr] a trifle, sir! Got your move.
[22:41 doomey] i might break into another pirate song
[22:41 doomey] ok
[22:42 tqr] Nc3
[22:42 tqr] did you get that?
[22:42 doomey] got your move!
[22:42 tqr] huh
[22:42 tqr] uh
[22:42 tqr] huh
[22:43 tqr] I'm going to beat you with what you have not anymore got.
[22:43 tqr] Get it ?
[22:43 tqr] Horseless toad, that you are.
[22:43 doomey] i don't get it
[22:43 doomey] god damn you, ted, i am trying to think!
[22:44 tqr] Fork you! And the horse you can no longer ride in on!
[22:44 doomey] to many voices in me head
[22:44 tqr] Lookah here, son.
[22:44 tqr] This is called the triple pump shotgun lonely move.
[22:44 doomey] Rf8
[22:44 tqr] Hyaaaaag!
[22:45 tqr] got your lonely move1
[22:45 tqr] Oh by the way, I've coated your peanuts with Roofies.
[22:45 doomey] that is a lonely move
[22:45 tqr] I win!
[22:46 doomey] oh you bastard
[22:46 doomey] you're scaring me
[22:47 tqr] hold....
[22:47 tqr] I'm about to come
[22:47 doomey] yuck
[22:48 doomey] you are suck a faker
[22:48 doomey] you don't have a move
[22:48 tqr] Kh2
[22:48 doomey] hah!
[22:48 doomey] got your move
[22:48 doomey] ow
[22:48 doomey] that is a really killer move
[22:48 tqr] got it?
[22:48 tqr] You're really patronizing me now.
[22:49 tqr] I have to dig deep, and zen this out somehow.
[22:49 doomey] no
[22:49 doomey] that was good
[22:49 tqr] Mother.
[22:49 tqr] Machiavellian son of a bithc1
[22:49 tqr] biscuit
[22:50 tqr] bisquik
[22:50 doomey] Bd7
[22:50 tqr] My old girlfriend nicknamed me Bisquick once.
[22:50 doomey] scared me off, you bastard
[22:50 tqr] Is that a good nickname for a girlfriend to give yo?
[22:51 tqr] so the tide must turn.
[22:51 tqr] And my next move must break you down like Rick Flair applying the vaunted figure 4 leg lock.
[22:51 tqr] Submit!
[22:52 tqr] got your move
[22:52 doomey] WWE, eh?
[22:52 doomey] WWF?
[22:52 doomey] whichever
[22:52 doomey] jeez
[22:52 doomey] like you grew up in iowa
[22:52 tqr] hold...
[22:53 tqr] Where you can eat the corn.
[22:53 doomey] mmm... ok
[22:53 doomey] sure
[22:53 doomey] iowa, where you can eat the corn
[22:54 doomey] now let's try and think about chess moves, eh? the little horsies and the priests
[22:54 doomey] oh, i've no horsies
[22:54 doomey] damn you, iowaian
[22:55 tqr] nf5
[22:55 doomey] got your move!
[22:55 tqr] Yes, but you've rookered me.
[22:56 doomey] no
[22:56 tqr] Which is something akin to snookering.
[22:56 doomey] you have no knight that can move to f5
[22:56 tqr] Except it's done with a rook instead of a snook.
[22:56 tqr] 5d
[22:56 tqr] i mean
[22:57 tqr] pardone, mssr.
[22:58 doomey] ah. ok
[22:58 doomey] got your move
[22:59 tqr] are you alive?
[22:59 doomey] Kg8
[22:59 tqr] the dojo just spiralled out of kilter for a minute.
[22:59 tqr] got your move
[22:59 doomey] yes, it does that
[23:00 doomey] you do know it launches us into outter space when we enter, right? we're like flying through the cosmos as we speak, bra
[23:01 tqr] Bd2
[23:01 doomey] got your move
[23:01 tqr] It's like being beamed up by Scotty.
[23:01 tqr] God rest his Scottish soul
[23:01 doomey] ah, i was just typing how we need to get our second rooks into play
[23:02 doomey] well done, sirah
[23:02 tqr] yellow
[23:02 tqr] oh now
[23:02 doomey] !Rxf3
[23:03 tqr] I couldn't go vertical, so lateral was the only solution.
[23:03 tqr] And you beat me to the punch.
[23:03 tqr] got yer muv
[23:04 doomey] back row is best for the rooks
[23:04 doomey] slide them along, and then bam!
[23:04 doomey] launch them
[23:05 tqr] Nc7
[23:05 tqr] Nxc7
[23:05 tqr] i mean
[23:06 tqr] I buried that pawn!
[23:06 doomey] got your movesorryi had refresh uncheckedi was going over our movesmaking sure i had them writ down correctly
[23:06 tqr] yes!
[23:06 tqr] yes!
[23:06 doomey] damn
[23:06 doomey] good move
[23:07 tqr] uh, yeah, your king is on e8 right?
[23:07 tqr] check!
[23:07 tqr] just kidding.
[23:07 doomey] Rf2+
[23:07 tqr] I know it ain't.
[23:08 doomey] my king is on g8
[23:08 tqr] damn you
[23:08 doomey] oh
[23:08 doomey] you were kidding
[23:08 doomey] phew
[23:08 tqr] this is the end
[23:08 doomey] scared me
[23:08 tqr] my only friend
[23:08 doomey] bastard
[23:08 tqr] the end.
[23:09 doomey] jim
[23:09 tqr] kh3
[23:09 doomey] oh, dear jim
[23:09 doomey] we used to drink, me and jim
[23:09 doomey] down on the beach
[23:09 tqr] oops. can't to that
[23:09 doomey] santa monica
[23:09 tqr] hold...
[23:09 doomey] right
[23:09 doomey] can't do that
[23:10 tqr] kg3
[23:10 tqr] I can do that.
[23:10 tqr] sob
[23:10 doomey] aRf8
[23:10 tqr] Red Stripe is finished.
[23:11 doomey] getting my rook out of the corner
[23:11 doomey] oh no
[23:11 doomey] red stripe
[23:11 doomey] finished
[23:11 tqr] which rook?
[23:11 doomey] here come the amber
[23:11 doomey] cornered rook
[23:11 tqr] OK, got it.
[23:11 tqr] got your move
[23:11 doomey] a8 rook to f8
[23:12 tqr] my move
[23:13 doomey] yea, tis your move, sirah
[23:13 doomey] so, no one showed up to watch us play the squares
[23:13 tqr] Bg5
[23:13 doomey] s'alright, though
[23:13 tqr] Who cares. Let them eat cap!
[23:14 doomey] we didn't talk it up too much
[23:14 doomey] maybe next week we make it an event
[23:14 tqr] It's all about cap gains, anyhow.
[23:14 doomey] we could play strip chess
[23:14 tqr] We're just having fun.
[23:14 doomey] hah
[23:14 doomey] strip chess
[23:14 tqr] Oh yes.
[23:15 tqr] Well, finish me then!
[23:15 doomey] oh shit
[23:15 doomey] you moved
[23:15 tqr] You sound overconfident.
[23:15 tqr] Now... you die!
[23:15 doomey] got your move
[23:16 tqr] Yes. Move your ass.
[23:16 tqr] Ok?
[23:16 tqr] Ok?
[23:17 doomey] thinking....
[23:17 tqr] Come on, mang.
[23:17 doomey] sweating...
[23:17 tqr] Make a bad move...!
[23:17 tqr] Do it!
[23:17 tqr] Lonely lonely lonely lonely
[23:17 tqr] lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
[23:17 doomey] e4
[23:18 tqr] lonely lonely lonely lonely
[23:18 doomey] hah
[23:18 doomey] you funny man
[23:18 doomey] with the lonely
[23:18 tqr] Are you throwing me a bone ... ?
[23:19 doomey] a bone?
[23:19 doomey] no
[23:19 doomey] i am throwing you a pawn
[23:19 doomey] common soilder
[23:19 doomey] i care not for him
[23:19 doomey] take him
[23:19 doomey] do what you will with him
[23:20 doomey] ravage him
[23:20 doomey] pore holes in him
[23:20 doomey] pull his arms from his sockets
[23:20 doomey] i care not
[23:20 tqr] px4e
[23:20 doomey] call me nero
[23:20 doomey] call me vlad
[23:20 doomey] got your move
[23:21 tqr] I think I've just stepped into a noose...
[23:21 tqr] Oh well.
[23:21 doomey] Bd6+
[23:21 tqr] now it's your turn.
[23:22 doomey] must make pee pee
[23:22 doomey] brb
[23:22 tqr] Kh4
[23:23 doomey] got your move
[23:24 doomey] so what have switched to
[23:24 doomey] rink wise
[23:24 doomey] no more red stripe
[23:24 doomey] so sad
[23:24 doomey] i'm drinking heineken
[23:24 tqr] OK, now I'm down to generic red pop
[23:24 tqr] Code red
[23:25 tqr] knock off ... called Big K 'Drop Red'.
[23:25 tqr] That's what.
[23:25 tqr] I've got to keep my wits about me...
[23:25 tqr] At least I have stripped you of your queen!
[23:26 tqr] Have you been jettisoned into outter space again?
[23:26 doomey] you mean
[23:26 doomey] your drinking cola?
[23:26 doomey] cause...
[23:26 tqr] but, the peanuts live~!
[23:26 doomey] i mean
[23:26 doomey] i don't know if i can continue if you're drinking soda
[23:26 tqr] They're keeping my buzz alive, k?
[23:27 doomey] ok
[23:27 doomey] fine
[23:27 tqr] not just soda ... man .. Drop freakaing Red!
[23:27 doomey] my turn?
[23:27 doomey] oh yeah
[23:27 doomey] my turn
[23:27 doomey] hm...
[23:27 doomey] burp
[23:27 tqr] It's all right, mama.
[23:28 doomey] h6
[23:28 tqr] Come into me1
[23:28 doomey] i could slip up here any second, cowboy
[23:28 doomey] shape up!
[23:29 doomey] did u get my move?
[23:29 tqr] got your move\
[23:29 doomey] hello, sirah?
[23:29 doomey] ok
[23:29 doomey] didn't mean to press
[23:29 doomey] quiet in the house, eh?
[23:29 doomey] sam gone down
[23:30 doomey] wife in the pain room
[23:30 doomey] theo all alone
[23:30 doomey] in the dojo
[23:30 doomey] do jo, baby
[23:30 tqr] Be3
[23:30 doomey] doe
[23:30 doomey] joe
[23:30 doomey] got your move!
[23:30 tqr] Yep.
[23:30 doomey] nice
[23:30 doomey] sharp
[23:30 doomey] nasty
[23:31 tqr] alone in the dojo, baby. Being schooled at the feet of my master.
[23:31 doomey] janet jackson
[23:31 doomey] hold on
[23:31 doomey] you be the boss
[23:31 tqr] Though I am loathe to admit it.
[23:31 doomey] nobody nobody's master here in the dojo, sister
[23:31 tqr] Give you any credit whatsoever.
[23:31 doomey] my move?
[23:31 doomey] christ
[23:32 tqr] Janet Jackson?
[23:32 doomey] somewhere between then and now i got totally fucked up
[23:32 tqr] I may flip right out of my pants!
[23:32 doomey] oh yes
[23:32 doomey] it's my move
[23:32 doomey] okhm
[23:32 doomey] let me see
[23:33 doomey] cocksucking motherfucking bitch
[23:33 tqr] They call me the pawn king.
[23:33 doomey] what to do
[23:33 doomey] what to do
[23:33 tqr] Something is happening
[23:33 tqr] but you don't know what it is
[23:33 tqr] Do you ... Mr Jones?
[23:33 doomey] Rh2
[23:34 tqr] Do you have tourettes?
[23:34 doomey] are you listening to lousy radio songs?
[23:34 doomey] i think i just like to swear
[23:34 doomey] explosively
[23:34 tqr] that would be +
[23:34 doomey] yes
[23:34 doomey] +
[23:35 tqr] Are you drunk?
[23:35 tqr] Cuz that was fucking lonely!
[23:35 tqr] Get that weak shit outta here!
[23:35 tqr] got your move
[23:35 doomey] that might be checkmate
[23:35 doomey] i am not used to seeing myself checkmate anybody
[23:36 doomey] so i don't know what it looks like
[23:36 tqr] isn't that uhm,
[23:36 tqr] ++?
[23:36 doomey] yep
[23:36 tqr] asshole
[23:36 doomey] that's da big whack, mama
[23:36 tqr] Good game.
[23:36 tqr] Work tomorrow, then?
[23:37 doomey] asshole
[23:37 tqr] Early morning cabbage spraying?
[23:37 doomey] ha
[23:37 doomey] yes
[23:37 tqr] Sheesh, it's still early where you are.
[23:37 doomey] we'll spray the cabbage come dawn
[23:37 tqr] No prblema.
[23:37 tqr] So, tell me. What is your beef with the lobby?
[23:37 doomey] yes, but i've been up snce 3
[23:38 tqr] I've made it as functional as I know how.
[23:38 doomey] 3 in the morning
[23:38 tqr] Oh yeah, You gotta be beat. And you just beat the hsit outta me1
[23:38 doomey] lobby
[23:38 tqr] Son of a bitch.
[23:38 doomey] look too normal
[23:38 doomey] don't you think?
[23:39 doomey] i think you've done kick ass with what you have to work with
[23:39 tqr] Yeah, you know. The offices where we all hold forth?
[23:39 tqr] Here. Where the Dauphine swims?
[23:39 tqr] Anyhow. This ain't no fancy office, you know.
[23:40 doomey] i'd like more arty lobby
[23:40 doomey] but that takes serious knowledge
[23:40 tqr] We gots what we got to work with.
[23:40 doomey] i mean, what can we do?
[23:40 doomey] we are low on the ladder
[23:40 tqr] I know. I know.
[23:40 tqr] We will evolve.
[23:40 doomey] we shall grow
[23:40 doomey] nnd evolve!
[23:41 tqr] At least we've got some integrated lingo.
[23:41 tqr] Mythology to build on.
[23:41 tqr] That's not too bad.
[23:41 doomey] yes
[23:41 tqr] You sunk my battleship!
[23:41 doomey] we are strange
[23:41 tqr] See,
[23:41 tqr] though pretty low tech
[23:42 doomey] i wonder what huff is up to
[23:42 tqr] the thing is getting the lobby to link to almost everything that had previously been on a menu
[23:42 doomey] he'd be good at this stuff
[23:42 tqr] You wan't to recruit huff?
[23:42 tqr] Please do!
[23:42 doomey] yeah, that lobby business must drive you daffy
[23:43 doomey] crazy shit
[23:43 doomey] huff is all busy though
[23:43 tqr] My idea is if you have everything one click away in the lobby, then you're ahead of the game.
[23:43 tqr] Understand?
[23:43 doomey] always complains how busy he is
[23:43 doomey] so...
[23:43 doomey] we need smoggs!
[23:43 doomey] and uber
[23:44 tqr] Anyhow. Thanks for the lesson.
[23:44 doomey] no doubt, lobby wise
[23:44 doomey] one click away
[23:44 doomey] must be that way
[23:44 tqr] Yes. They haven't got back to me yet.
[23:44 doomey] well, i better go
[23:44 doomey] eyes dry
[23:44 tqr] But Smoggs did reply with a strong 'maybe'.
[23:44 doomey] muscles sore
[23:44 doomey] bed calls
[23:44 tqr] Which is amazing.
[23:45 doomey] yeah that is amazing
[23:45 tqr] All right bra.
[23:45 tqr] Thanks again. I will copy this mess and have it in the lobby.
[23:45 doomey] ok then, i'll see you in the rump
[23:45 tqr] tomorrow.
[23:45 tqr] enjoy.
[23:45 doomey] goodnight and goodluck
[23:45 tqr] goodnight sweet prince.

The Bull says...

Our newest Terminali is restless. Seems he cannot wait until May 15 to study his cap portion allotment. So. I have instructed DePlancher to appease him! Thing is, DeP is off hunting truffles with that cute hog that starred in that Pig in the City film a few years back. But, when she returns, I am not bearish that the bull will be fed.

Bulldust says:
How goes that capital, Doomey? Have you spoken to Deplancher of late, seen her in that haunted disco at all? Tell me, Doomey, is Bulldust going to be inundated with capital like a victorious matador is showered with roses? Will it all be dumped off into my pen like a truckload of horse manure? Dear mates, it may surprise you to know that I am not the patient type. I am fickle in nature and may not have the tolerance or endurance to sustain such a plethora of capital. Will it also come to me in a trickle as it has came to you, dear Doomey? Too much all at once might make me see red.

Can you whisper to Deplancher to perhaps get her to drop some cap my way before the official swinging open of the literary gates. The reason is simple, my mates: I have bullfights to attend, matadores to put holes into with my horns. Sevilla is bustling with activity in the bullfighting season. I am not just a thinking bull. I am a champion Fighting Bull with a very pressing, busy roster of matadores and novilleros to face.

So please, Doomey, after you have drunk and become drunk, speak to Dep, or to TQR, and advocate for me. Let me have some cap now, so that I may keep my master at bay and impress upon the new boss that I, Senor Bulldust of Sevilla, am on top of things. Do not make me come down to the Floor to get it. I implore you. Give Bulldust some capital now so that he does not explode or implode in the month of May.

Monday, April 24, 2006

TQR Weekend Business

This weekend found me more TQRstoried than usual, seeing as how I usually stay away from the office as a matter of course.

But, you see, the Spring Issue had just come out and there were matters of housekeeping to be addressed, as well as kicking the CGVC's butts a little to get them to answer some Insider Trading. The Friday night Meet&Greet turned out to be a one-man show since nobody but myself and I showed up. Oh yes, and 'me'. As well. You can read the transcript in the Queen's Rump or at the bottom menu item labelled 'Transcript' here in the Lobby. Also got into a bit of a debate with a VC later on Saturday because I had included the phrase "Nobody fucking showed" in the crawl's text to show my displeasure at having been stood up the night before. Well, sure, it's a little brazen and crude and not very welcoming, and, seeing as how I am a businessman above all, I gave in and took that offensive material off the crawl. Truly, I am over the being stood up part, and am just frustrated at my attempts to incorporate the Conf Rm into a viable part of the business. Oh well. I am just going to make it into a Chess Dojo and be done with it. It will also serve a purpose for afteraction meetings with the department staff of TQR. As for Meet&Greets with investors, thfffpt. Who knows?

On the very bright side, I had a brilliant orientational gmail back and forth with the newest (and biggest) member of the TQR Terminali, Bull Dust. He is an exceptional hand at the old narrative vetting and one hell of a poster of bon mots. Making him, in my humble, a bull for all seasons. I am thrilled to see what comes out of the Terminali this quarter. All I can say is, Hal, those red buttons you are sporting, exchange them for blue or some other less, shall we say, moribund color.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Boligard Doomey Interview

This will be a regular feature here (and in the Queen's Rump), and what better personage to start things off with than the outspoken Boligard Doomey, eh? So, if you are at the bar doing jello shots or ogling the barmaid or reading your Gospel of John, feel free to shout your questions across the room as he and I lounge in the corner, exchanging pleasantries and divulging secrets. [Editor’s Note: Nobody ‘cept myself hazarded any questions, so shame on you investors!]

For some background on this subject, please read Boligard Forever in the link just over there. Or don't. Regardless, my first inquiry follows:

Ted Rorschalk: Judging by the numerous news clippings attributed to your seemingly unending misadventures and run ins with the law and the Yakuza, what led you to settle for the humble pastime of vetting capital on the Floor?

Boligard Doomey: my life had been sordid, true, true. as stated in prior notes and chapbooks and unpublished offal, i have had a difficult time with living the straight and the true. after leaving MA for the last time (and this time i mean it, i don't have a masterbation problem, i masterbate and i fall down, no problem) and severing ties with MAMS (a pornography outfit that used media as a whore to promote their own ideology, and they used me to promote their sadism), i found myself at a crossroads. should i persue the wiles of an id-steered freeman, or should i jump upon the horse called Judgement and ride the rough road. deciding to forge ahead as my true self, i took up gambling off the coast of texas, the gulf of mexico, the badlands my soul knew all too well. after the boat fire, as you know ted, i was fed to the judicial system and they sucked me dry over the course of 5 entire hours before i made a break for it and escaped into the bowels of galveston's sewer system. found that beat up rambler just outside corpus christi and headed for new mexico, sister. once in those flats, just outside las vegas, i stripped down and gave myself my true name (notice the constant refenece to Truth) that only i and a few select spanish whores in various ports are privy to.

i settled down and began my bait bussiness, worm farming. as i got bored i took up boxing. no big deal, just something to keep me preoccupied, out of trouble. that's when you got in contact with me, ted. how could i refuse you, you sounded so sure this TQR bussiness would fly, sister. i moved onto the Floor and i haven't looked back since.

Ted Rorschalk: How does one from a long line of circus performers find themselves farming worms? The devil (and God) is in the details, Mr Doomey. Please, explain some of the more cogent intricacies of this earth-based biz. Oh, and for the more cromagnon inclined investors, a brief explanation of the sweet science, please. Have you ever been knocked out?

Boligard Doomey: i'd become bored with the common day life, sir. or rather, strike that, the uncommon life. while i am sure you all know the origins of a boy and his circus geek mother (i won't go into that; boring for some, route for others, gross to the rest), as we all either had friends or relatives who'd grown up circus-side, i will point one particular from my upbringing. my mother was not of the chicken-head-eating-geek variety, she was a bug eater. that's where my fondness for worms developed. while i never ate one myself (tempting), i was appreciative of the fact that one worm might taste better than the next. when i stumbled into the worm farming biz, i was determined to make the best tasting worm out there. and i think i developed success in those dark soils, those boxes of dirt i proudly called my farm. in cultivating the best damn bait in the world, i was emulating my mother in reverse, you see. some desire to crawl back into the womb, while i desired to pull the womb free. instead of gnashing the worms to meal with my teeth under the goggling eyes of the circus crowds, i was birthing the little rascals anew, whole and plump. as to the intricacies? it's kind of like having a real kickass potato salad recipe; i am hesitant to list out my technique, ted. breeding worm is a difficult task. you don't just put a bull worm in a dirt box with a couple dozen worm bitches and expect to have little baby wormites, you know. you must coax them toward love making rather than rutting, the gentler the tastier, we worm farmers have, on rare occasion, been known to say.

the sweet science? ted, explain yourself. i will gladly answer once i understand. are you talking of the canvas dance? the sweaty two-step?

in my circles (twisted dark chanting smelly circles), the sweet science is mixology, wherein i am not a zen master, but i've been known to step behind a bar on occasion.

Ted Rorschalk: Well, I suppose there is no 'sweet' about what you do in the ring. You smoke Pall Malls for God's sake! So, moving right along... what are the origins of your feud with one John Slavens? In the Prince of Darkness's Boliography on the bottom menu bar, there seems to be a strong homoerotic connection.

Boligard Doomey: ah, yes. i'd nearly forgotten those London days. slavens was a very close friend at a certain weak point in his waverying sexual boundery-line days. me, i've never been confused, i just go with what stirs me; man, female, goat. i am a lover, oh, yes, a lover, indeed. slavens and i? lovers, nay. we were enemies, oh fer sure! we may have gotten it on (hot steamy manlove in the dirt, etc.), but only once, and at my gentle guidance and persuasion, not his. if i remember right, he was juiced on rum. a foreign affair to remember, but, alas, a subject that lay sore and bleeding in his heart of hearts. poor chap. i wonder whatever happened to him. he, as stated in the narrative, was "not a fag", and that is the whole basis of our cat and mouse, our cops and robbers, our cowboys and native americans. he was a proud man, a bit dense, weighing in on the stupid side rather than the brainy. but we were close, tis true. the origins of our relationship? that cocksucker's the bastard who birthed my bones, ted. i've never admitted to being... to being. i've said it from the start; i am Character made flesh, not the other way around. slavens had the nerve to create me, which, i am nearly sure, will be or has been his downfall, and which i am eternally grateful (in a pissy sort of way).

as you've probably guessed, the narrative did not end with me dying on the train. that was just a tale i told to an aspiring author back in my brawl-room days, a story we thought needed telling, and a story the author (who seems to have added a bit of pomp and flowers, a poetical tilt i could hardly ever be capible of seeing as how i am NOT a writer -- what the hell was his name? was it kiev handson? that might be it. obviously a non-smoker. didn't mention cigarettes through the entire narrative. hardly realistic) thought might land him in some journal or get him laid. slavens gathered me up after the ink stopped running, he took me to the Kowloon Peninsula and he laid me out before a woman known for her herbal talents. she was also famous for her braided body hair, but that's beside the point, or behind the point. she healed my wounds. Namjimbo would have roared his dismay if he'd been "with head". slavens vanished sometime during my "down time" at the temple. haven't seen him since, though i most always have this funny feeling that he's watching me, or perhaps controling me, though i am positive those puppet strings have been severed. they must have been severed.

Ted Rorschalk: You have taken your position as Floorite to a level of dedication even I am astonished at, seeing as how I take the weekends off and don't even think about this place til Monday morning comes around. To what to you owe this strong work ethic? Is it more that you believe in the business model here at TQR or simply a convenient place to duck the Yakuza?

Boligard Doomey: hah. believe in the biz model here at TQR? you actually think i have any idea what's going on around here, ted? i am a broker, took night classes over the internet, paid my dues on the selling floor, did some home visits, filled out my portfolio. you said you needed a broker, i have been your broker. you all seem to think these capital assets are something over than investment opportunities, while i look soley at their value. see, i have collected quite a few cliets, got this little black book with my clients names and addresses and phone numbers and emails listed down. now, if you were to gather my clients into a room (wouldn't have to be large, but my clients are used to lots of room, so let's pretend it's a large room, otherwise fists would fly, no doubt) and examine them as a whole, you would look upon the ugly mug of high-grade opulence powered by complementary rounds of pocketed ammo and the blue glint of steel under-coat. please don't mention the mafia, 'cause dat ain't what they be, sister. these guys are bigger than the mob, from any country. the mob is my clients' bitch. they happen to like art, and they seem to need very valuable art, and i cannot supply enough of it. i not only grab what i can from here, i also brave the deluge and ferret out out capital i can find in the streets, i yank it from the sewers and i charm it from the skies. i am busy, and i am threatened.

i am not dedicated, ted. christ's balls, mister, i am scared for my life.

Ted Rorschalk: As Sportcenter's Dan Patrick once said, "We're all day-to-day." So, yes, don't fear the Reaper. Don't be afraid. Take my hand. We can become like they are. Forty thousand men and women everyday. ... Regardless and so forth, I read somewhere in one of your dossiers that you detested Big Tobacco, but, no small irony here, monsieur, you are one of their biggest clients. If you are so afraid for your life, don't you think it would behoove you to stop smoking those Pall Malls? At least go to something with a filter!

Boligard Doomey: a silly question, ted. hardly deserves an answer. i smoke cigarettes because i like the taste.

my clients don't just downright chop at your neck till it finally falls off, they do things slow and painful. if i were to upset them i am sure they would sit me down for a talk, strap me into the chair, lower the lights, shove toothpicks in my eyes, brand me, break some fingers, peel off a few fingernails, hook the nodes up to my ballsack and give me a couple of good jolts, play Pussy Cat Dolls real loud, tap on my spine with a rattle for hours on end, shove one of those spreaders up my ass and spread, shave my entire body with a dull razor, make me eat that stuff they make people eat on fear factor, tape my eyes open and make me watch Get Rich or Die Tryin', make me listen to one of those books tapes of any Dan Brown novel, slice open the soft flesh behind my knees, sever tendons and string me up and make me dance like a puppet, domesticate my favorite spanish whore, pluck out my teeth, make me their bitch, tie my prick in a knot, etc. i never said they would kill me, ted.

Ted Rorschalk: With clients like that, who needs competitors? Ba dump bump! Anyways. I feel the investors have gained some insight into the capital man-excuse me, my mistake, allow me to re-word that-...some insight into the broker that is Floorite 001 Boligard Doomey. If there's any parting shot and/or wisdom you'd like to leave the investors with, please do. Your personal technique on the art of capital discrimination perhaps. Again, thank you for your time.

Boligard Doomey: in the end, time is all we have to give. hah. i've no words of wisdom, ted. for one to be wise, one knows one knows nada. however, if there are any VCs out there who need encouragement, i would like to say keep your day job. there are way too many people crafting their "art" these days, ask me. poke around and you'll find a lot of folks are writing a screenplay, others are noting an opus, a few are taking a crack at tree stump carving, and everyone is in a band. i say, if a few days away from the creative process (whichever that might be; inking, sculpting, painting, dancing, Legoing, etc.) causes manic distress, if you can't take vacations away from home because you must stay close to the "magic place", if you'd gladly take a hot brand on the ass cheek rather than give up on your dream, might be you've got what it takes to continue on your quest toward Goodstuff. if not, you should just give it all up, pack it in and let the freaks do the creating and the bleeding and the whoring for the sake of art. too many spoons in the pot, i say. but if you are a person prone to diarrhea when seperated from your "process", snaps, sister. do that thang, man. do it.

From the Chairman: Spring Issue Capital Gains

Dear Investors,

With glitch-infested efficiency the Executive Suite has come to consensus over the content of the Spring Issue Captial Gains. It was another very hard decision. Once a piece has made it through two screens of capital discrimination and lived to tell its tale, you know there can't help but be something special about it. My sincere thanks goes out to the six finalists and all the venture capitalists who ventured their work with us this quarter. It is my sincere hope the experience was beneficial to one and all.

So without further ado, the upcoming Capital Gains are:

Between the Night People and the Day People by JR Colvin

They Sink and Are Vanished Away (Formerly Dark Abyss) by Ann Leckie

Sunrise in Coat City by Steven J Dines

The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage by Peter Hagelslag

Again, I extend my gratitude to all the VC who continue to venture with TQR, thus allowing us to publish what, in my opinion, is some of the best, most entertaining and thought provoking work available anywhere on the Web, in Print or on your mondo Palm Pilot.

Due to the retarded way in which we first displayed our Capital Gains, giving investors fits on how to actually access them, the CGs from the Winter Issue will stay up an extra week, pushing back the arrival of the Spring Issue no later than April 22.

We appreciate your patronage, and it is our dearest wish that you continue to invest in TQR.

Sincerely, Theodore Q Rorschalk

Insider Trading: Winter Issue '06

Draw a north-south line through the center of Australia. In the north, where it meets the Arafura Sea (with New Guinea as the opposite shore) is Arnhem Land. Range along the coastline to the east for a while, and you may find a village called Ramingining. You may also find a certain dwelling constructed mainly of found materials, with no wires or pipes leading to it, lying within sight of Castlerea Bay. On a certain day in late February a Land Rover arrived after the long trek from Darwin, bearing a generator, a satellite telephone setup, and a high-end laptop… which is how I was able to conduct the following interview with Paddy Ukai, whose pragmatic, light-heartedly sarcastic yet spiritually rich personality the reader will have met in the pages of Tribal Convictions.

HAL: G'day, Mr. Ukai. Thank you for agreeing to this interview, and for allowing the temporary electronic facilities to invade your life and make it possible. If you'll excuse my forwardness, I want to try to get right at the heart of things.

As miraculous as it would seem, even to a scientifically-trained balanda, to travel backward in time for approximately 20,000 years, you appear to take it in stride. To what do you attribute that ability?

Ukai: Because, in a way, it was like coming home. The actual time travelling is when you go, as a very young man, from your people's land in the centre of the desert to a modern city like Sydney. Now that is future shock for you. Compared to that, going back in time to your forefathers is a walk in the park.

And the technical gizmos? Have you ever been on a film set? After that a time machine and a solar eclipse nerd almost seem normal.

Keep in mind that I said 'almost'...

Your professional background very closely parallels that of the Aboriginal actor and dancer, David Gulpilil -- who, I have read, had much difficulty reconciling his abrupt exposure to the modern world, while still a teenager, with his personal and cultural history. In Tribal Convictions, there is little hint of that, beyond the description of your home. Have you been more successful than Gulpilil in this regard, or is there more that we haven't read?

Ukai: This is an ongoing struggle, one that will possibly last the rest of my life. I am constantly torn between both worlds: sometimes the old world wins, sometimes the new, but neither prevails for long. It is also difficult to find balance when the two contradict each other so much. Still, this strange trip to the past of my people has given me a lot to think about, but has also given me a bit more, well, peace of mind.

You see, when working in the modern world, I often had the impression that we -- the indigenous people of Australia -- were often considered to be nothing more than savages. I ran across that attitude so much I came to doubt myself, and my people. But this adventure has made me see what I already knew in my heart: we are not savages: we have a cultural tradition that is at least as old and rich as that of the whitefellas. The main difference is that their technology is much more developed, and even that may not be an advantage.

In this aspect, the white man seemed to become separated from nature. However, then there is Jan Coen: a high-tech gadget man if there ever was one, and he still is fascinated by a natural phenomenon. In his crazy way he showed me that technology and nature do not need to be antagonists (apart from the fact that he got me hooked on solar eclipses).

In our own way, we are tribes that view the world at large from our own convictions. And while neither of these convictions is probably the truth (maybe there is not even such a thing as a Universal truth, at least not in matters of belief), but they are still necessary for us to stay sane.

We live in a very complex world, and I'm slowly coming to grips with that.

On a more personal level, I had two marriages: one with a woman of my tribe, and one with a white woman. Both marriages failed, and were childless. It drove me to drinking, and the grog brings up the worst in me. I have quit drinking, and I have a feeling that I have the worst behind me. I am also still searching for answers, but I have the good hope that this strange trip has helped me ask the right questions.

HAL: In reading Tribal Convictions during its travel toward publication, I was particularly struck with the method you used to explain a solar eclipse to the boy, Jakstah. In fact, I found it near-perfect, and I wondered if you had given the concept some forethought, or if the explanation came to you at that moment.

Ukai: My original intent in this crazy expedition was to meet my ancestors, and maybe even stay with them, in an Australia free from balandas. However, when you travel together through the desert, you get a certain bond. Kuni Yan -- as I still call that crazy Dutchman -- could never survive on his own in our lands. However, he is a very smart scientist with a gift for explaining difficult concepts. So he explained how a solar eclipse worked to me in very plain terms.

Then, when we chanced upon Jakstah, my heart broke. He looked like the son I never had, and how could I not explain this upcoming event to him? So I improvised as well as I could. Keep in mind, that I am also an elder of my people -- the A nangu -- so I need to explain a lot of things to the freshly initiated. But I'm happy to hear that I pulled it off well, although, if I may be so honest, it was mostly improvising.

On the subject of Jan Coen, or Kuni Yan as I inadvertently called him: in retrospect I think that he got caught up in one of our Creation Time stories. (by the way, we call our legends Creation Time stories. Whitefellas insist on calling them "Dreamtime" stories, but that is wrong, as our stories have nothing to do with dreams.)

The story I refer to is that of the Python Woman, Kuniya, who had a fight with the poisonous Liru Snake man. I will quote:

"Now Kuniya took her wana, or digging stick, and hit the Liru man on the head." (You can see the cut in the rock where she hit him. You can even see the stain left by the blood from the cut.)

Her anger was so great that she hit him again. This time the Liru man fell down dead. His shield tumbled down over the rocks and is still there today." (The piece of rock that fell down when the alien perentis fired at Kuni Yan.)

Of course, you might ask, does it not make me feel awkward, or maybe even blasphemous, to have been partial to something that involved one of the main Creation Time stories of our people?

My answer would be that for one, the stories we tell to the whitefella may not necessarily be the real stories we tell when we initiate our young. Furthermore, most of the Christians do not take all the stories in the Bible literally. So why should we take our own legends literally? It is the lesson in the story that counts, not the absolute historical truthfullness.

In this way, I feel proud that my ancestors have taken this very strange incident in stride, and made it part of our heritage.

HAL: In his controversial book, Guns, Germs, and Steel, the historian Jared Diamond expends a lot of time and pages on his theory of why some Neolithic peoples developed beyond the culture they brought with them when first settling a new region, and others did not -- including among the latter the Indigenous Australians. Diamond concludes in Australia's case that the resources your remote ancestors found here were too meager -- he includes climate, and a lack of domesticable plants and animals. With a direct line, so to speak, to your collective past through the Creation Time stories, do you care to comment?

Ukai: On the one hand, Diamond is right that Australia has a very unforgiving climate: one needs to know the lay of the land very well in order to survive. That's why our culture and our rituals are of such vital importance: they give us the knowledge to survive in this very harsh environment.

On the other hand, we did not stand still, either: through the use of so-called 'firestick farming' we promoted the well-being of certain eco-systems. Practically, firestick farming includes getting rid of long grass and grass seeds which impede travel. You're able to see animal tracks, and can hunt better. You can see snakes and snake tracks, so that you can avoid them (and our snakes are the most poisonous in the world).

More importantly, firestick farming can spread the harvest of bush tucker over a long period of time. With our firestick farming patterns, we burn different areas at different times. This improves the food chain. Smoke brings on flowering. Take for example the fruiting of the apple and plum trees. For those that have been burnt earlier, fruiting comes earlier, and as the fruit is on its way out in one place, the next patch of burning will produce plums and apples in the next place.

This gives us a way to live off the land in a more reliable way, less dependent on the weather and the seasons. Also, it helps keep the land's biodiversity intact. This is -- as the white man is now finding out -- because fresh growth, after a burning, is up to five times as rich in nutrients as old growth. So animals can forage better. In this way, controlled burning improves biodiversity.

Finally, firestick farming prevents the forming of huge bush fires. Left untended, enormous swaths of bush can catch fire in the dry season, and then kill off many animals, and even threaten whole suburbs… as you may have seen in recent years, down around Sydney.

So while my people did not develop massive agriculture and an industrial revolution, I think we did very well considering the land we live in. Actually, we have learned to live in harmony with the land through our system of controlled burns, without causing ecological catastrophes. We can live off the land indefinitely, and the white man, culturally superior as he seems, still has to prove that he can. I think they can learn a lot from us.

HAL: Though I am technically (in all senses of that word), merely an observer, I cannot but agree.

Thank you, again, for this opportunity. I hope we have a chance to read more of your adventures, in or out of the company of Kuni Yan.

He survived the relentless attack of the seemingly indestructible soldier born of a meteor in Slayground. Now TQR correspondent Susan DiPlacido wants to know all about the newest member of the elite armed response unit SO19. By the end of the interview, it seems Susan just wants a date! That's another plot line to follow, but meanwhile...

Susan DiPlacido: So Gary, you were a relative newbie to the Red Team when the proverbial shit hit the fan. But you'd had six years on the police force. In those six years, had you ever even had to draw your gun before?

Gary: I didn't have a gun to draw. All British police officers have basic firearms training, but very few are permitted or even qualified to carry guns on duty. The only place in the UK where cops are routinely armed is at the airports. This may change in the future, but for the moment the British police rely on armed response units like S019. Having said that, I was shot at twice in my early days on the job.

Once, I attended a block of rundown apartments where there'd been a report of a man threatening people with a handgun. He turned out to be a very old guy who was also a mental patient. The weapon he'd been using was an air-pistol. It didn't seem like much at the time, but he shot me in the leg with it and it hurt like hell.

The other occasion was more serious. I was patrolling in the area-car when a call came over the radio about a robbery in progress at a building society office. I happened to be nearby, so I attended. The robbery was still going on when I got there. One of the hoodlums came out and fired at my car with a shotgun. It did a lot of damage, but mainly to the car I'm glad to say. All I could do was wait for them to run, tail them, and finally see them run to ground by armed units who were specially called in.

SDP: Even though you were new to this force, you were able to physically rise to the challenge. Was this more a matter of will, or did you have extensive physical conditioning in your corner?

Gary: Youth was undoubtedly on my side. The officers who join SO19 are usually one of two things. They're either slightly older guys who had military experience before they joined the police. Or they're young officers with good arrest records, who were able to meet the physical requirements of the selection course. I was one of the latter. In the British police, all officers under the age of 35 must undergo regular fitness assessments anyway, and if they're not up to it they can be backsquadded until they are.

But I never had a problem with exercise. At school I boxed and played rugby. After leaving school, I joined a martial arts club and continued to work out regularly in the gym. I also played squash, and even now try to run at least five miles every other day. I'm not a complete health freak - I like a drink at the weekends, and maybe I'm not as diet-conscious as I should be, though for the moment that doesn't seem to be problem. The good thing about S019 is, once you're in it, you maintain your fitness levels naturally because, parallel with your normal duties, there's an ongoing programme of physical training that never lets up.

SDP: Moving along, you showed a great deal of bravery while your own life was in serious danger. You were under attack, but still had the presence of mind to not go running into a crowd for help. Instead, you made sure to keep the attacker away from other crowds of people to try and reduce the carnage. Looking back, do you think this was more due to instinct or your SO19 training?

Gary: It was a panic situation, so it's difficult to say. These days it's all about minimising collateral damage. In Britain, if a cop accidentally hits a civilian while he's in pursuit of a felon in his car, he'll have a lot of explaining to do. If his driving was deemed reckless or negligent, he could lose his job, his pension, maybe even his liberty. So you can imagine the kind of trouble if a cop manages to get civilians embroiled in a fire-fight. I'm what's called an SFO, that's a Specialist Firearms Officers; loosely, that means that my training is such high level that I'd have no excuse at all if I created a situation where people on the street were dying from gunshot wounds. If a shoot-out is endangering innocent citizens in any way, we're normally under orders to disengage and step back from the action. Of course, the situation we're discussing here was pretty well unique in British history. In this case, the perp's sole intention seemed to be to take down as many innocent people as he could, so when I saw that line of people in front of me, I knew I had to go the other way. That shooter was ready and able to take hundreds if not thousands of lives. I don't think I was especially brave. I reckon anyone else in that position would have done the same thing.

SDP: Can we assume that you're chivalrous in other situations?

Gary: I like to think so, though I'm not saying I'm a knight in shining armour. In armed response units our job is to confront the worst elements in society, and if they won't come quietly, to shoot and kill them. That's a nasty way to put it, but it's basically the truth. But if a guy puts his gun down and sticks his hands up, will I take him alive? Of course I will. Would I tell lies in court to make sure someone got convicted even if I wasn't certain of his guilt? No. I believe in playing it tough but fair.

In recreation time ... well, I must admit, when we're all out together, we probably come over as a fairly uncouth bunch. But we don't intimidate people or start fights. Politeness and civility cost nothing. We particularly make sure to behave if there are ladies around, and I think that's an attitude that extends right across the police service. In our line of work you see too many women who are treated like garbage. It gets on your nerves after a while, makes you want to overcompensate for it in your own behaviour. Plus, in my case, there was the example of my dad. He was a steelworker, and a big guy who could look after himself. But he came from the generation before political correctness, when women were treated - or were supposed to be treated - like they were something special. He wouldn't hesitate to stand up for a lady if there was no spare seat on the bus, or open a shop door for her even if she wasn't loaded down with packages. There's a bit of that in me too, I suppose, though I know it's not too fashionable these days.

SDP: Now, I never noticed that you had desperate thoughts about one particular person, such as a wife. Were you so overwhelmed with the immediate danger that it wasn't yet a concern, or can we women dare to hope that you're single?

Gary: I'm single, yeah. I've had girlfriends but nothing that lasted. To be honest, in my line of work you don't get a lot of time for romance. It happens, sure, but quite often - because you work such odd hours - it's with female officers. If I ever met a girl who became so special to me that I'd want to marry her, I'd probably request a transfer from SO19 to more routine duties.

Armed response is an extremely dangerous job, and I wouldn't want to inflict it on any woman who had strong feelings for me. Now that you mention it, that shoot-out in central London was terrifying enough - but if I'd been concerned about leaving a wife and kids behind, as some of the other guys did, it would have been truly nightmarish.

TQR sits down with Adam Littleton of the current Capital Gain: The Knowledge

Perched on his brother's friend's shoulders, Adam saw it all through the glass: what happened after Gordy Johns read the letter, before the blood began seeping through the planks of the shed, and the fire caught, and the shed and the man succumbed to this strange and terrible conflagration. Now, years later, Adam Littleton has agreed to talk about what he saw that night, how it has effected the rest of his life, and how he copes -- with what has become for him a strange and terrible conflagration of memory.

Theodore Q. Rorschalk: I realize this is hard for you, speaking of which, did you manage to hook up with any bride's maids at your brother Bruce's wedding?

Adam Littleton: I don't really get along with women. Don't get me wrong, I talk to them and they talk to me, but if you're talking about relationships then I'm just not really there. I'm pleased for my brother, pleased he's found Amy and they seem to be doing okay together, I mean getting married and all that, it doesn't get much more serious! But all that scares me. I prefer to be on my own. I'm not all that comfortable talking about it.

TQR: What is it about crowds, large numbers of people, that's got you so spooked?

Adam Littleton: All I remember is the hut, being lifted to the window and seeing their faces behind me; the crowd at the dog track pressing forwards as the flames took hold. I am wary of dogs too. Sometimes just their barking can set me off. Panic attacks are common. If you haven't suffered them you won't know what I'm talking about.

TQR: As I recall, during the events leading up to the horrific incident at the shed, you were the one voice of reason, imploring your brother and his mate to cease and desist. Of course, they didn't. Do you hold this against them? And were you the one voicing concern about what you all were doing because you had a premonition of the horror it was leading up to?

Adam Littleton: I could never blame them or hold a grudge. They didn't know. Nobody could have known. I just remember I was six years old and I knew it was wrong to take something that wasn't ours. Call that a premonition if you want, but I'd have probably done the same if it was somebody's milk bottle on a doorstep or money from my mother's purse. In fact I know I would, at six years old.

TQR: This incident happened how many years ago? ... and it is still affecting your daily life. Have you ever thought about getting psychological help? Or, if you have, has it helped?

Adam Littleton: Twenty Years. It does not affect me daily. I've gone weeks or months without thinking about it. It's buried deep. But you go to your brother's wedding, everybody's there, it's all around you. Psychological help? I think that's for a certain type of person. It's not for me.

TQR: Since you are mostly over it, what exactly did you see through that shed window the night Gordy Johns died?

Adam Littleton: A person does not 'get over' something like that. It's still there. It raises its head. Like at the wedding. Mostly it comes at night. I still have nightmares but I don't bring the things I see there into the light of day. I usually awake knowing I've been somewhere else, at the window maybe, or in the shed by the tracks, but the details are always too vague, too distant. I've learned to contain it I guess, or supress it. That's what the psychologists would say, that I've suppressed the past. But if I could remember, if I could sit here now and tell you what I saw, do you honestly think I would? The others call me sometimes. They tell me they walk alone and that they go to places like Grafty Heath in the early hours of morning. And they saw nothing. Remember that.

TQR: Come now, Mr Littleton, you have an audience before you that wants a detail, a scrap, a corner torn from the bigger picture even, of that fateful night; what you saw of how Gordy Johns died, or, dare I say, what killed him.

Adam Littleton: All I can say is that I saw death that day, death in many different forms, many different stages of death, too much death for a six year old. But it's all very unconnected and splintered, perhaps because that's how I've learned to cope with what I saw. I simply cannot offer you the answer you're driving at. It does not exist in any real state, just fractured memories. Listen to me talking like this. It really isn't any of those things. Not really.

Is that all 'The Knowledge' is then? The repressed, suppressed and basically forgotten knowledge that one day we all must die?

Adam Littleton: It might be that. And it might be what awaits each of us if we choose to lead our lives in a certain way. Once again I'm struggling to make something of clarity out of nothing. I wasn't meant to be in that window, I know that much, and I know that Gordy must have had secrets, otherwise...

TQR: What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Adam Littleton: I'm just happy getting along with one day after another. I'm twenty six and I've had more jobs than I care to think about so I'd like to find something steady, something I can enjoy, something I can wake up to in the mornings without worrying if there are going to be surprises. There's a job going at the forestry commission. I've applied for it. Maybe that'll be the one. I like the idea of manual work without anybody on my back telling me what to do. I like the idea of being out there in the forest.

TQR: Are you a hunter?

Adam Littleton: Definitely not.

TQR: Well then, Mr. Littleton, you seem somewhat well adjusted. I still don't believe you're not on Prozac, though. Thank you for sitting down to chat.

Adam Littleton: Well adjusted? Well adjusted to what? It really doesn't matter how adjusted somebody is. You're looking for answers that I can't give you, but perhaps you'll discover them in time...

Afterword: This kid has some heavy duty secrets. Seems to be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. During the entire interview, he was biting his nails and would not look me in the eye. That last answer of his sent a chill down my spine, but damned if I know why. I don’t envy him his burden. Judging from the current CG from whence came Mr Littleton, too much knowledge kills. Read The Knowledge, if you dare...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Fact is Fiction and TV reality: The Colvin Doctrine

This was Mr Colvin's first gmail after learning he'd cracked the gains over at the old e-zine. I can only shake my head and mutter, "Dear boy."

Dear Mr. Rorschalk,

That is great! As for the interview, I'll pass the questions on to Portus,
although I think he is none too happy that I wrote about him in general, or
his wife in particular. The whole moustache
thing. He told me that if his wife sees the story she'll kick my sorry
middle-aged fat-boy writer-wanna-be nerd ass. I think that is how he
phrased it. I plan to stay away from the Zippy Mart for a few days,
although it is one of my favorite haunts (My GOD, do I ever suffer from
insomnia! And where in the hell else are you going to go when it's three
A.M. in Loogootee?)

I'm not scared at all of the Portus, but I do have a pretty intense fear of
his wife. She's nearly as tall and broad as the Portus and has a brow
ridge, by the way. She looks as if she could bench press around 300 lbs and
toss a dwarf at least 20 yards, even though she is now nine months pregnant.
On the few occasions I have seen them together, she bossed him around like
he was an insecure four-year-old.

To be honest, I have never actually seen a moustache on her, but she has
dark, dark, hair on her forearms, and thick black eyebrows (mismatched with
her blonde hair), so I strongly suspect . . .

Shit, I probably should not have said any of that. That's worse than the
moustache. Please forget I said . . . those things. I really need to do
something about my drinking. At least the morning drinking. I mean, if I
can just wait until 8 P.M. to crack the seal on that first bottle of
bourbon, it means I'm okay, right?

Hal's wish has come through, true!

I'd like to welcome Summer Issue intern Bull Dust! He's fresh off a tour of the Far East with his cousin and fellow WWF superstar Gold Dust. They couldn't quite rest the belts from The Big Show and Kane. So, old Bull has opted for the Internet and the capital gains possibilities therein. Couldn't have come at a better time!

Welcome Bull Dust!

The Floor is again on the Front Burner

After suffering some personal setbacks and tragedies, Gabby DePlancher is getting right back on the horse, so to speak. For this I am truly thankful. Were it up to Boligard to shoulder the load alone, I think he might crack, as in pchizoprhenic-gone-off-his-lithium type cracking. So, damn me, if I don't want to marry Gabrielle DePlancher!

Per the workload so far: 3 capital ventures in -> 1 to Gabby, 2 to Boli. I sent them a gmail welcomeing them to another quarter and wishing to know if they received their initial cap offerings via the vacuum tube, or if the mode of transference needs fixing again. Can anybody recommend a good vacuum tube repairman?

As you were.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Wham Bam... Spring Issue Capital Gains, Man

Dear Investors,

With glitch-infested efficiency the Executive Suite has come to consensus over the content of the Spring Issue Captial Gains. It was another very hard decision. Once a piece has made it through two screens of capital discrimination and lived to tell its tale, you know there can't help but be something special about it. My sincere thanks goes out to the six finalists and all the venture capitalists who ventured their work with us this quarter. It is my sincere hope the experience was beneficial to one and all.

So without further ado, the upcoming Capital Gains are:

Between the Night People and the Day People by JR Colvin

They Sink and Are Vanished Away (Formerly Dark Abyss) by Ann Leckie

Sunrise in Coat City by Steven J Dines

The Story Miner in the Monkey Cage by Peter Hagelslag

Again, I extend my gratitude to all the VC who continue to venture with TQR, thus allowing us to publish what, in my opinion, is some of the best, most entertaining and thought provoking work available anywhere on the Web, in Print or on your mondo Palm Pilot.

Due to the retarded way in which we first displayed our Capital Gains, giving investors fits on how to actually access them, the CGs from the Winter Issue will stay up an extra week, pushing back the arrival of the Spring Issue no later than April 22.

We appreciate your patronage, and it is our dearest wish that you continue to invest in TQR.

Sincerely, Theodore Q Rorschalk

Monday, April 10, 2006

Nearing the End of Another Cycle

And with the decisions over cap comes a new design strategy. It came to my attention that investors couldn't access the Capital Gains quick enough. So, I did what I should have done from the very beginning: put the titles and the authors names right there in blue black and white in the Lobby. I like it. I hope the investors do, too.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Executive Suite Woes Continue

Well. We're on the downward slope toward our April 15 deadline. And still Ann Leckie's Dark Abyss has yet to be given an opening argument. But, Guevara will bail me out again. I asked around the other offices, but you know how facile bureaucrats are at doing somebody else's job! It's not a pretty site. So. Like I said, my right hand Guevara will get around to it.

On the bright side, I'm giving a lecture/tutorial this Friday at 7 pm MDT in the Conference Room. The sign up sheet is in the Queen's Rump over at TQR. Go sign up. Bring barbs on your berries. I don't care! It will be nice to finally have some investor interaction. No electronic impulsive anamoly is an island!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

From the Chairman: Executive Suite Solution

This was up on the site about a week. The remedies I suggest herein have yet to take effect. Boligard has thrown his effervescent hat into the ring, to which I am always thankful. At least we'll get some movement on this whole stoppage now. I'm a bit afraid this TQR venture is becoming the H3K-Boligard-Theo trinity. But oh well. You take love where you find it, eh? And that's no bull.

Dear Investors,

As you may have noticed, the productivity of the Executive Suite has been holding at 50 percent, and owing to the law of diminishing returns, getting worse as the days go by. The opening arguments tendered by moi enumerating why the literary works vying for publication that have been up for two weeks now have so far gone unchallenged by my esteemed colleague and fellow Knight Templar, Tyrannus Rockefeller. Let it be known that I do not hold a grudge against the fine gentleman from New Jersey, for he has promises to keep and miles to go before he sleeps. However, owing to his unavailability this quarter and the need for both of our houses (the genrified Report and the literal Revolution) to come to a capital consensus over the next two weeks -- having already wasted the initial fortnight at the head of the Executive Suite’s allotted month – it is incumbent upon me to jury rig some kind of alternative solution.

Which I have!

Pinckney Guevara has assured me he is good to go as the genre champion of at least one of the ventures up for review. Perhaps two. I am sure, that I can wheedle one of my other staff personnel into taking up for at least one more, venture that is. Never fear! TQR abides. So keep investing and, by Jove, remember, your time is to us, what ambrosia is to the gods!

Indomitably, TQR