STAFF Pages: Revamped and Reinvigorated

The site, as those in the know already know, is a permanent work-in-progress ... and this week it made some remarkable progress.

Instead of row upon row upon column of boring text to lull you into lotusland, we know have portraits to give that personal touch to the thumbnail descriptions (in the bull's case the 'thumbnail' is discernibly in name only) of the TQR staff. Full color, no less! With a few Easter eggs, to boot, for your surfing pleasure.

We know you have a choice when surfing the Web, and we don't take your decision to surf on us lightly. Once it is possible (and feasible) to present you with a virtual bag of peanuts (I am tending toward cashews), it shall be yours! This I guarantee, or my name is not Theodore Q. Rorschak.

Sincerely, TQR

Baby's in Black, even though I'm Blue

Attention: I, Theodore Q. Rorschalk, have another prossible successor to the TQR throne.

Little Noe Laraine Rorschalk entered into the deluge from the sanctity and warmth of Mrs. Rorschalk's ample womb at 3:17 pm MDT this day of our Lord Tuesday, October 17, 2006, weighing in at a formidable 8.06 pounds and inhaling lungfuls of air which she forthwith turned around into primal screams. Strangely, her head was covered with copious locks of black hair, though mine be pure azure like a calm day on the Florida Keys. I'll be talking to Mrs. Rorschalk about this odd recessive gene. Or perhaps it was a matter of the odd Gene, Dick or Harry inveigling his way into my domain? Nay! Do not call me a cuckold. Bulldust is the only TQR member with horns that I know of.

Regardless.

It will be interesting and, dare I say entertaining, in the years to come to see my two descendents vie for supremacy and the eventual chairmanship of TQR. Nay, I shall not play favorites, but may the best gaffer win!

From the Chairman: The TQR Fall Issue

Dear Investors,

Aside from the Insider Trading interviews yet to be finalized, the Fall Issue is complete. And the four featured capital gains are, again, marvels to behold, proving once again TQR is in the vanguard of e-zinery, in that when we say our tastes are eclectic it's truly not just lip service.

For instance, where else are you going to find the cyberpunk feel of a Spiral Architects smack dab next to the classical literature that is Accidents? Not to mention the pseudo-horror of The Festival of the Pines butting rudely up against the (in its author's words) 'MENSA after dark' of On Being Asked to Dance by a Genius?

The answer is nowhere! but TQR.

I would like to thank all the VC who gmailed us their precious capital this quarter, and remind them that the submissions period for our Floor operation is now officially again begun. So if you believe you have any possible gains to matriculate to the top of the heap, please gmail them to us for the inspection of Boligard Doomey or Gabrielle DePlancher. They have once again taken up their posts in the dank confines of the basement and are eagerly awaiting your ventures.

On a frustrating note I would like to thank the four VC of the current Fall issue CG's who hotmailed me their bios and jpegs, and apologize for my ignorance in being able to translate them to the site. If anybody has any advice for me, I'm all ears. But for now the textual content of said bios are going to have to suffice because I am a moron.

Sincerely, TQR

More Unsolicited Praise from the Ether

Robert Brewer Sun, Oct 8, 2006 at 5:48 PM
To: tqrquery@gmail.com

enjoyed the guidelines and opening page immensely. I found my self saying - who are these people. please god, don't let TQR be Tri Quarterly Review. nah, couldn't be. A monkey on the cover. they're not that bold. i'm saying its Spain - that place in spain - you know - borders algeria - it just came to me - Gibralter.- I'm saying the photo was taken over Gibralter - they have lots of moneys there, high over the cliffs, and they're mean. Don't ever mess with a Gibralter monkey.

Have to go - what a fascinating web site. The Chinese all-you-can-eat closes at 7:30 tonight so have to go feed my face. Bye for now.

Robert
***



Teddy Rorschalk to Robert
9:07 am (Oct 10, '06)

Mr. Brewer,

Thank you for the kind words. Yes. In fact our cover photo was taken over Gibraltar by our Web designer, the Architext. It was put in at the beginning of things as a placeholder, but became so popular with the staff that a few catch phrases sprung up around it (see Lingo) most prominent of them "Touching the monkey" which is a euphemism for a venture that is damn good and perhaps publishable. And, too, the Rock of Gibraltar is synonymous with financial stuff (Get a piece of the Rock), which is how TQR is run, although 'capital' in our case is much different than at others. So... thanks for the kind words and I hope you tell your friends, cuz we need all the market share we can get our grubby little hands on.

Best, TQR

Bulldust Sighting?!

Is this ... finally ... the real deal?

Dunno, really, but I have it from a mid-level source that this is so. Time will tell.

Two Ventures for 1 Slot = Cap Fight ... Rahrrrr!

The Executive Suite was at loggerheads concerning the ventures The Man Who Sought Blug and Spiral Architects earlier this day, and so entreated either VC of said pieces to offer up their own defense of their respective work. Soon after that, Peter Hagelslag posted this self defense in the tqrstories.com VC CENTRAL office.

Seeing as how Jeff Sims might not be aware of the current state of affairs concerning his venture at TQR, I took the liberty of sending him this missive.


Theodore Rorschalk to jeffss
2:23 pm MDT (5 Oct, '06)

Dear Mr. Sims,

The slot for the fourth and final venture in TQR's Fall issue has come down to The Man Who Sought Blug and Peter Hagelslag's Spiral Architects. Mr. Hagelslag has already posted in his own defense at VC CENTRAL at tqrstories.com. In the interest of giving you equal time, I thought I would alert you of the situation in order that you might want to say a few words in your own defense at VC CENTRAL.

As I'm pretty certain this transparent way of vetting capital ventures is weird and, perhaps, a bit off putting to you, rest assured our main emphasis is on publishing the best quality capital we are able to any given quarter. Granted, there is the fact that such transparency feeds the investors' need to have a glimpse into the processes that have heretofore been, to them, opaque, but, as I have said, the bottomline is still publishing the best quality cap we possibly can.

To that end, there is the matter of rewriting the conclusion of Blug to give it more of an ironic twist or firmer denuoument (I believe Mr. DeHart elucidates it best here in the Executive Suite)

So, please stop by the site and add your two cents and let us and the investors know that you are in the game, as well as if you are amenable to any of the rewrites suggested above. Of course, even after the minor rewrite, there is no guarantee Blug would triumph over Mr. Hagelslag's offering. You two are most definitely still in competition for that final slot.

Thank you in advance for your patience and understanding in this matter.

Sincerely, TQR

So. Needless to say, the composition of TQR's Fall Issue is coming down to the wire. I sincerely thank all the VC who ventured something this quarter, as well as (and especially) those two who are now teetering on the wire 'twixt publication and oblivion. My hat goes off to you both (and you all). May the best cap (and most convincing auto-advocate) win!

On Being Asked to Butt Out by a VC's Mother

I'm sure it's just a reasonable misunderstanding, and yet never did I imagine having such a problem. You see, this morning I received a gmail from prospective CGVC RAF's mother, asking me to keep communications with her daughter to matters of publication, or some such. I shall shortly post the entire transcript of the communication that led up to this mild rebuff. The thing is, as I'm sure you all know by now, TQR is all about VC, investor and staff interaction. Most of the time it's a chess match twixt I and Boligard, but sometimes the spirit moves us to learn more about this or that VC for the benefit of the investors. Upon learning that RAF was but 16 year of age, it struck me as something that would be of interest because it is rare for one so young to write something, anything approaching a publishable venture. And so, yes, I was intrigued to know more. I googled RAF and found out she had won a 'Goodnight Moon' writing competition at the tender age of 7! So. My interest in interviewing her and/or meeting her upon the field of battle over a chess board (in her original gmail submission her bio mentioned she played a 'mean game of chess' for Christ's sake) was increased by the fact that she was so young. I suppose the mother got involved due to the current Capitol Hill Page IM/e-mail scandal or some such. And you can't really blame a mother for being wary these strange latter days. It's just that such outside interference, on a gut level, made me want to gmail back saying something along the lines of "I've got yer publication right here, lady!" and then grab my crotch. But, of course, I held my cojones in check and replied with a measured response asking that said publication would entail an insider trading interview with one of the character's from said piece, and hopefully that that would be all right with her and her daughter. So. Without further ado, the evidence! You judge whether I was Foleying this youngish VC ... or not!

Date: 9/28/06
Theodore Q. Rorschalk to RAF:

So, you play a mean game of chess do you? Our resident chess ace, Boligard Doomey, may want you to put your money where your mouth is. Are you amenable to a match in our Dojo area on some night not too far here in the future? This message should not be construed as an indication of your cap's publication in TQR.
We just want to have some up close and personal staff/VC relations. Kind
of a peristroika type deal. Thank you for your consideration.

Best, TQR

On 9/29/06, RAF wrote:

Theo,

Truth be told, I'm very intimidated. No, I'm not the next Bobby Fischer. When I was in grade school, I remained a "chess enthusiast" while my friends started to rank: master, grand master, etc. At sixteen years old, I'm still not much better than I was when I was ten. I guess maybe, if Boligard wants it that badly.

R

On 9/30/06, Theodore Q. Rorschal wrote:

You're only 16-years old? Well shoot. You might not be the next Bobby Fischer, but you very well may be the next Eudora Welty! It is amazing to me that someone so young has written something so magnificent as OBATDBAG.
I tell you what. The whole chess thing was just a way to get Boligard out of his shell and interacting with the public. I was thinking something along the lines of a friendly game wherein he interviews you between moves. A kind of chess/interview amalgamation, if you will. Do you know algebraic notation, by the way? If not, perhaps he can simply interview you? But the novelty of a chass match in the Dojo is always worth asking for, anyhow. Let me know what you want to do. I haven't heard back from Boligard yet, so, this proposition is still in the air.

Sincerely TQR

Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2006 10:20:17 -0600
From: "Theodore Q. Rorschalk"
To: "RAF" Subject: Re: Chess?

Boligard is game, if you are. I've been doing a bit of research. Congratulations on winning that 'Good Night, Moon' competition when you were 7! What night would be good for you to meet up with us in the Dojo? Are you familiar with Algebraic Notation for making long distance chess moves? Anyhow. I hope you are. And the sooner we can get this interview/chess match completed the better, seeing as how my wife is very, very pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. Let me know. If the whole chess match thing is not suitable to you, I'd really like to simply do a
>>> quick interview. Would that be all right?

Date: Oct 3, '06
Sent by Mel Henry [RAF's mother] to Theodore Q. Rorschalk

With respect, we'd prefer communication with our daughter to be limited to publication issues.

If you are publishing her story she will forward a brief biography via e-mail.

***

End note: The piece in question OBATDBAG is an impressive work, especially when you factor in the fact it is written by a sophomore in high school. However, when one's mother gets involved, it kind of sours my attitude of the whole affair.

On Being Asked to Play Chess with a Lunatic

The following is an exchange concerning the VC of a prospective venture currently being vetted up in the Executive Suite, RAF, who claimed in her bio to play a 'mean game of chess.' This sparked TQR's interest and he alerted his local chess samurai, Boligard, that perhaps a dojo match was in the offing, and a sizeable spike in market share, to boot!




Theodore Q. Rorschalk to Boligard

Yo. According to her, she is only 16! Can you believe it? I'm thinking she must be something of a prodigy. She says her chess game is not that solid and she is a bit intimidated to play Boligard the great. Anyhow, perhaps I could play her since I am not that great a chess player, and you could do color commentary. What I have in mind is a chess match and an interview inbetween moves.


Boligard Doomey to TQR
yes sir, sounds cool. a dojo happening would be welcome. 16? jeez. let me know what you two figure out. if she doesn't want to play chess, maybe we could play a round of hungry hippos.





TQR to Boligard Doomey
And then again, she could just be sandbagging, right? I mean, if she's only 16 and can write a great story like OBATDBAG, she's probably somewhere near GM status, yo? Whatever. I think it would be a gas no matter if you or I play/interview her. Either way, it's be a dojo menage a trois.

It would be virtual pedophilia, and virtual life imitating actual art. Or something like that. I'll let you know what is what. My wife is due any day now, so all plans I make are subject to get blown out of the water, though. So take that into consideration.


Boligard Doomey to TQR

wow. you gonna be real busy, bro. not sure i knew about this. did i know about this? hm. well, congrats and may the babe have pointed ears. and although i know you seem pretty bent on naming, if it's a boy, yer micro-hansen Boligard, i can only try and tell you one more time that i think that might be a mistake. but, hey, you're gonna do what you want, am i right? anyway, about the frumpkin thang, wadever. i am in the middle of a massive rewrite, so all things are blown out of the water. ha ha.


Theodore Q. Rorschalk to Boligard


Congrats on the massive rewrite. That can be like giving birth, too. The baby is a girl and we're naming her Noe. It's the wife's idea.


Boligard Doomey to TQR

ah, noe. named after the nuclear overhauser effect, no doubt. nice.
i just read one cap, just now finished. it was not good. not good at all. there was a ray of hope when the VC started to get nasty, but that kind of evaporated. on to the next cap.